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Britons Snobbish About America, Pointless Survey Reveals
Dec 5th, 2003 - 01:58

London NW1 -- A pointless survey commissioned by the Mail on Sunday has revealed that many Britons have an aloof or belligerent attitude towards the United States. The survey, undertaken by an independent polling company, also revealed that many Americans feel the opposite way.

"The special relationship," Mail contributor Maureen Snodgrass told us, "is actually more like that found between two rival ninjas. They will treat each other with upmost honour, but be looking to kick each other's ass behind closed doors."

"Yeah," added Daily Mirror boss Piers Morgan. "Ninjas."

Our own survey, conducted on the streets of Edinburgh, revealed that most British citizens think Americans are "fat, ugly, brash cretins who should die die die". A companion survey undetaken in New York City revealed that most American citizens think Britons are "cold, uppity, ugly simpletons with an inflated sense of how important they really are, who should die die die".

Critics who dismissed both surveys as an excuse for rampant xenophobia were shot by lions, sewn through with snakes and made to sleep with French people.

William Burr

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Bush Grounded
Dec 4th, 2003 - 00:07

WASHINGTON - Senior Whitehouse spokesman James Martin was today forced to admit that US President George W. Bush has been grounded for two weeks by his mother, former First Lady Barbara Bush.

Mrs. Bush has slapped the two-week punishment on George Jr. following an incident at a state dinner at the Whitehouse, involving Colin Powell and British Prime Minister Tony Blair. Mr. Martin would not be drawn to comment further, only confirming the rumours from a well-placed source inside the Administration.

When asked about the incident later this afternoon, George W. Bush also confirmed the grounding, stating that the decision was "unfair, and un-American."

"Basically what happened is this. Colin Powell was eating his chocolate mousse, which I said looked a bit like a poop. Tony Blair said it looked more like 'plop', which got us all giggling. Tony and I kept saying 'plop plop plop' until Colin started laughing too. He laughed so hard, snot came out of his nose. It was awesome."

Mrs. Bush was not available for comment.

Gregor Stronach

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Improbable Series Of Events Stops Celebration
Dec 3rd, 2003 - 12:19

SOMEWHERE - Celebrations of an unspecified nature were halted today after the appearance of a terrible monster of some sort. "I'm not really sure what happened. I didn't really see anything," someone said. Early reports suggest that the monster did a few things, possibly leaving shortly afterwards, although details are sketchy.

One lady fainted, but she smelled strongly of drink and might have been a bit pissed.

Rum and Monkey editors have commented on the story, saying, "we should never go to the pub and send the work experience kid out on assignment ever again. Ben! It's your round."

Gregor Stronach

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Marilyn Monroe Eaten by Huge Whale
Dec 2nd, 2003 - 03:13

The popular movie actress Marilyn Monroe has been consumed by a monster whale three times the size of that fat kid that lives down the street. What? She has you know. What do you mean you don't believe me? She has nice breasts though.

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Latest Lord Of The Rings Film Cunting Awful
Dec 1st, 2003 - 21:25

Grass, NZ -- Fans have stepped out of the latest Lord of the Rings film, Return of the King, upset at its sheer cunting awfulness. "It was like a Roger Corman film," one fan told Rum and Monkey News, "but with Michael Jackson directing. It's a film for kids, and not in a good way."

Kiwi director Peter Jackson had to agree. "I'm ashamed of what I've produced," he told the audience afterwards. "Although I do think the scene with Gandalf masturbating while looking at Frodo through a hole in the wall was utterly justified and within the spirit of the character. Plus, the nasal sex was hawt."

William Burr

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LiveJournal Linked To Cancer
Nov 28th, 2003 - 01:45

Portland, OR -- Popular community-based Web journalling service LiveJournal has been linked to cancer of the brain, pelvis, nose, face and tongue, according to research published in the scientific journal Le Baulleux. The research also claims that users become stupid, apathetic, and often ugly as clams.

"We tested five hundred subjects," explained Dr Horden Studenbecker, one of the lead scientists on the project. "Many of them were outgoing individuals with sharp minds and beautiful young bodies. Since using LiveJournal intensively for a period of one year, their bodies have turned to leaden potatoes, their minds are akin to that of an intoxicated infant, and in many cases they have no faces at all."

The research also encompasses similar sites to LiveJournal, including DeadJournal, uJournal, DiaryLand, Typepad and Blogger. "Nobody reads weblogs anyway," appended technology journalist Andrew Orlowski, who contributes to a number of online content websites whose articles are organised by date.

Clams are planning a retaliatory statement for Monday.

William Burr

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Forum Pictures Thread Dominated By Some Girl
Nov 27th, 2003 - 04:23

Houston, TX -- Popular satirical website Grump and Chunder today announced its disapproval of this one girl who dominated the picture thread on its discussion forum. "Okay," spokeslank Rudolf Weschenmeller announced, "you enjoy taking pictures. We can see that. Now can you please get yourself a photolog or something and let someone else have a go?"

The motion was seconded by some guy who likes to post gay porn, a Republican know-it-all with a crew cut and TV's Wil Wheaton.

William Burr

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Jimmy Saville To Be New Doctor Who
Nov 27th, 2003 - 02:19

Somewhere Shit, Wales -- The casting for the new series of veteran science fiction serial Doctor Who, due for broadcast in 2005, was announced earlier today in a fanfare of dubious publicity and subdued yaying. The character of the Doctor will be played by Jimmy Saville, while his eager assistant Fluffy will be played by Phil Jupitus.

"Our decision to use established BBC personalities was entirely arbitrary," Director General Alan Monkeyface told reporters. "We just don't give a crap who gets it, as long as the geeks shut the fuck up."

William Burr

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Schwarzenegger To Star In Saturday Night Fever Remake
Nov 26th, 2003 - 18:57

Sacramento, CA -- Worried that his first week of office as California governor has attracted a certain amount of scorn from the state populace, Arnold Schwarzenegger (Rep) yesterday announced a public relations drive that dwarfs even those seen in Ronald Reagan's era.

"I will star in a remake of Saturday Night Fever," he told press from his office in Sacramento. "The kids will see me boogie on down. It will be really cool. Now who wants a taste of my foot-long ham sandwich?"

Schwarzenegger's press team were not taking phone calls Wednesday.

William Burr

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Scientists Discover Techno
Nov 18th, 2003 - 18:14

Eight scientists at the Mnuga research facility in Taiwan have tonight announced their discovery of French techno, a form of music they cannot explain using traditional laws of physics and nature. The discovery was made while the scientists performed experiments with the facility's atom smasher and drank a whole bunch of vodka lemonade.

"We don't understand it," announced Joseph K. Rankin PhD, a senior fellow at Mnuga, "but it's got a good beat. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to smash the universe. Techno techno techno techno!"

Ben Werdmuller

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