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Archive for the 'Bears' Category

Some iPad jokes

Friday, May 28th, 2010

What’s black and white and red all over?
A smug iPad owner, bludgeoned to death with his device, bleeding all over the tastefully-rendered better-than-desktop website glowing prominently on its shimmering, crystalline screen.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To escape the restrictive limitations of Apple FairPlay DRM.

A man walks into a bar.
He accidentally leaves his prototype phone there, someone sells it to a blog, and Apple gets the cops to kick down everyone’s fucking door.

EXCLUSIVE Apple Tablet blueprint

Saturday, January 23rd, 2010

EXCLUSIVE Apple Tablet blueprint

(Click through for larger version.)

Great speeches through history, if they’d been made on Twitter

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

@mlkingjr29 I have a dream: one day this nation will rise up & ppl will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
@mlkingjr29 Perfect 140! Booyah.

@jfk_4u Need to beat the Commies. Ask me what you can do. Please RT.
@jfk_4u “Beat the Commies” is a euphemism. Ask me what you can do. Please RT. (Are you hot?)

@TPaine These are the times that try men’s souls. There was danger and the city & the country came forth to meet it. Please RT. Shortay!

@richardmilhous I’m honest. This audit says so, ffs. I have proof. I’m honest. Really. PS: This kid sent me ten bucks! PS 2: I hate Russkies. See? Honest.

@JapaneseFoodSux Tweeple! Read my lips: no new taxes. Okay, so you can’t see my lips. You’ll just have to trust me.

@tehgipper @glasnostdude, want to hang? Meet me here at the gate. Tweetup at the wall!
@tehgipper @glasnostdude OMG, IT’S WORLD WAR THREE
@tehgipper @glasnostdude lol, just kidding
@glasnostdude block tehgipper

@AbeLinks Gettysburg: http://bit.ly/gettysburgurl

@jfk_4u Today, in the world of freedom, the proudest boast is “Ich bin ein Berliner.” (My interpreter translated my German! Thx!) #berlinwall
@jfk_4u “I am a donut”?! I just fired my interpreter.
@jfk_4u Though I gotta say, donuts are pretty cool.
@jfk_4u Wanna see what I can do with one?
@theActualMafia @jfk_4u Hey, I just added you to my Mafia family. You should accept my invitation!
@jfk_4u @theActualMafia Ooh, okay!

@richardmilhous Okay, okay, I’m not honest. I’ll be gone at noon tomorrow. kthxbye.

@barackobama RT @TPaine There was danger and the city & the country came forth to meet it. Shortay!

Look out! It’s the nose parade

Tuesday, September 15th, 2009

Look out! Its the nose parade

The NHS

Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

“Can I help you?”

“Please, yes. Please help. My leg … my leg has come off. Help. Please. Oh God.”

“You’re on the wrong floor. Turn around, take the first left, go straight through the double doors, and take the elevator down to the lower ground floor. Then take the first right, go through the blue double doors, turn right again, follow the yellow line and report to reception. They should be able to help you there.”

* * *

“Can I help you?”

“Please, yes. Please help. My leg … my leg has come off. Help. Please. Oh God.”

“No it hasn’t.”

“It has. Look. Please help me.”

“No, it really hasn’t. You’re imagining things. Look, there are people here who are really sick. Go home and call NHS Direct if you don’t feel better in a couple of days.”

“Please, look at my leg, it’s bleeding all over your floor -”

“Yes, yes I can see that. I’m afraid there’ll be a small charge. You’ll need to fill in an eight-eleven double-one-D form. I’ll just be one moment.”

“But if you can see that, surely you can see that my leg is missing. Arterial spurts everywhere. My insides are outside. Please help me.”

“I can’t see any blood. Here, fill in this form so we can charge you for the blood.”

“Oh holy mother, the pain … Is there – is there anyone else I can talk to?”

“Certainly, madam. Please take a ticket, and we’ll be with you in due course. Why don’t you sit over there. … Madam! Oh, madam! I’m sorry, madam, I need you to pay for this blood spatter. We take Visa, Mastercard, or blood.”

* * *

“Can I help you?”

“Please, yes. Please help. My leg … my leg has come off. Help. Please. Oh God.”

“Oh, so it has.”

“Thank God. Please help me.”

“Did the nurse you spoke to previously diagnose you?”

“She said my leg hadn’t come off and that I was fine.”

“Ah.”

“Ah?”

“Well, you see, she’s my superior. If she said your leg hasn’t come off, I’m afraid your leg hasn’t come off. Look! It’s fine. Go home and call NHS Direct if you don’t feel better in a couple of days.”

“But you just said my leg has come off! Please, help me, you just said it!”

“No I didn’t.”

“You did. You said it just then.”

“Then I made a mistake. Look, your leg is fine.”

“It’s not fine. Look at this blood, it’s coming out in pulses -”

“Yes, that’s arterial gushing. That could be a serious problem.”

“But it must be coming from somewhere -”

“It’s coming from the bottom of your foot, perhaps.”

“But where’s my leg? Look at it! Where is my leg?”

“Yes, I see your problem -”

“Oh, thank God!”

“- that leg is much shorter than the other one. I’m afraid we can’t do much about that, madam! You’ll need to go talk to a specialist. Follow the yellow line, turn left, go through the blue double doors, turn left again and take the elevator to the fourth floor. Go straight through the double doors, turn right and you’re there.”

“But the blood -”

“Yes, we’ll need to charge you for that.”

* * *

“Can I help you?”

“Please, yes. Please help. My leg … my leg has come off. Help. Please. Oh God.”

“You’re on the wrong floor. Turn around, take the first left, go straight through the double doors, and take the elevator down to the lower ground floor. Then take the first right, go through the blue double doors, turn right again, follow the yellow line and report to reception. They should be able to help you there.”