I mean, not specifically you, sitting at your computer playing on the Internet when you ought to be doing something far more important. You’re a harmless procrastinator, inching closer and closer to death without being totally cognisant of the fact that one day you’ll be gone and nothing you’ve done in your whole entire life will have mattered. You’re harmless. No, I mean you, each and every one of you, the bolus collective audience as a group. You suck.
I’m going to cut straight to the chase. Each and every one of you has potential. You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake, to paraphrase an over-paraphrased, overrated, verging-on-fascist style-over-substance pseudfest of a movie, but you could become one. Make the right decisions, fail to succumb to apathy, follow your heart and try and avoid the bad luck that dogs anything with a pulse, and there’s every chance you could turn humanity on its head and make a permanent, indelible mark on civilisation. I’m not joking. You could change everything.
Thing is, you don’t. Never have, never will. You can’t, you won’t. You’re an apathetic, skill-deprived, underperforming son-of-a-schmuck who might as well just shit out the rest of your days phoning in your lines in a 9 to 5 trainwreck of a life, squirming through relationships you don’t really want to be in and going through the motions of being a happy, well-to-do human being when really you want someone to switch off your charade of a life and change the channel to something interesting. You and psoriasis are on an equal footing. You’re a flake. Except you’ve willingly seen at least one episode of America’s Next Top Model, and psoriasis isn’t sentient and doesn’t have eyeballs, so in at least one important respect you’re losing.
Even versus Karl Rove - accepted by many to be the walking, heaving human being equivalent of psoriasis - you lose. I’m not going to explain why. You just do.
Here’s where, in normal circumstances, we might think about publishing a top ten list. We’re a site on the Internet, after all, and the idea is that you post ten articles a day and get paid roughly a gonad hair every ten words for the privilege, so actual textual content with paragraphs and things isn’t normally the order of the day. We did an article called "What would Jesus do?" which was just a list of things we thought it would be funny for Jesus to have sex with, for Christ’s sake. Paragraphs don’t really belong on the Internet. They seem wrong, like thoroughly researched investigative journalism, or linking to Goatse or Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up now that they’re both so totally over.
But you deserve a little more punishment than a bullet list can provide. You see, your apathy isn’t just affecting you. It’s not just affecting your family or the people you know. At best estimate there are well over six billion people on this tiny, choking crapsicle we call a planet, and you’re affecting them all. I’m not saying you directly control the fate of the universe, but every time you don’t give a shit, a baby dies. So care, asshole.
This has been a political broadcast on behalf of caring. Your heart endorses this message. And I’m going to lay off the goddamn whisky and go to bed.
Okay, so this is a catalogue mention on the website of Little, Brown and Company. But we thought the irony was too good to pass up; Little, Brown & Co publish Hug Time, and are owned by Hachette Book Group USA. In turn, their purse strings are controlled by Lagardere, a French group that sells over $13 billion worth of military aircraft, satellites and missiles a year. Other properties owned by the weapons manufacturer include Virgin Megastores and French Elle.
In contrast to arms dealers, who any terrorist or warmongering government will tell you are a laugh a minute at the very least, weapons manufacturers are not normally associated with yucks a plenty. They’re serious people who look after their bottom line, involved in the serious business of manufacturing machines to kill people.
These are some websites they would probably rather you didn’t know about. Too bad. This is the first part of an ongoing series.
As well as landmines, General Electric also makes American Gladiators, a fact that perhaps deadlock seals its reputation. It has an 80% stake in NBC Universal, the company behind the NBC television station, and movies like Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins, an upcoming Martin Lawrence vehicle. And in turn, NBC owns HornyManatee.com, a site that urges members to sent in “amateur horny manatee pictures or stories”. The copyright principle of fair use dictates that we’re allowed to include a screenshot of the aforementioned; good taste dictates that we will not.
Okay, this isn’t anywhere near as funny as horny manatees, but there’s something darkly comic about Solae. Really darkly. The company produces isolated soya protein, an ingredient in many processed food products. However, as well as the corn dogs and chocolate bars that are helping America spread its influence without leaving its comfy armchair, Solae’s ingredients find themselves in all kinds of vegetarian and vegan products by partner companies: SoLean, Linda McCartney, Gardenburger, El Burrito and Mori-Nu are some of the brands that use it, according to the company website. We think you’ll agree that the customers of these brands try and buy ethically, care about the environment, avoid products whose production would involve killing animals, and so on. Lovely.
But Solae is a joint effort between DuPont and Bunge Ltd. While the latter has nothing to do with weapons, the former has historically had a number of fingers in the weapons pie, and was originally founded to make gunpowder. Historians disagree over whether or not it produced Zyklon B, but as well as revenue-makers like Kevlar, it got into a little hot water in 2002 for supplying Iraq’s nuclear weapons programme (as well as other well-known firms like HP, Eastman Kodak, NEC and Saab).
Enjoy that meat-free soya protein burger product!
Do you know about a website or otherwise innocuous product that’s owned by a weapons manufacturer? Let us know! It’s fun for all the family, ha ha!
Its eyes are USB 5.1 ports; its ears pump music directly from the bowels of the Earth. It follows you wherever you go, just floating, always facing you, occasionally pausing to open its mouth in mock surprise. Swim, and it glides just above the surface of the water, waiting for you to emerge. Go to sleep and it follows you to your bedroom, gently whispering sleep throughout the night as it glows faintly in the dark. Wake up and it’s there, hovering above your bed, the technological waking terror ready to follow you around for another day. It’s an Apple fan’s dream come true.
The Devil Head comes in three variants: a vanilla Devil Head, which has all of the basic functionality, a Devil Head Air, which looks two dimensional when it faces you dead on, a bit like a halibut, and the Devil Head Pro, which is a little faster, can wiggle its eyebrows in time to The Immigrant Song, and shoots lasers at the weak and people foolish enough not to do its bidding. A tactile, multi-touch Devil Head is apparently in the works; insiders tell us that it responds to stroking and a playful tussle in productive, motivating ways, including repetitively chanting Satan over and over again. Form, function and design - Apple have done it again! Pricing starts at a reasonable $1,499,999.99.
Excerpted from TechCrunch’s direct brain transmission feed, between an article by Duncan Riley about geopolitical current affairs and the impending launch of a rumored Twitter clone
January 2023
With the introduction of the global new world order comes a new product line from Apple. Perhaps out of respect for our new masters, or perhaps because Jonathan Ive has been poached by Imperial Overlord 1 to develop his personal Helmet of Good and Just Destruction, these have returned to the style first made famous by Jobs and Wozniak in the early 1980s. The beige coloring of the iDestructoCube is a nostalgic nod to the original Mac Classic. The bomb that appears on-screen to alert you to the fact that a member of the Imperial Overlord Council has marked you for deletion is straight from System 7, and even the kiloton explosion that will subsequently rip apart your home and family has been digitally tuned to sound like Sosumi. As always, the magic is in the little touches.
Steve gave a dynamic performance as always, even despite Engadget’s snipers continually taking out Imperial Officers in the auditorium with high-powered rifles (they’ve since been banned from returning), and Admiral Huckabee’s guest appearance was a fun addition to a rewarding hour.
Taken from CNet News For The Benefit Of The Goodly Imperial Emperor
January 2028
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Huckabee was one of three GOP candidates who raised their hand during Thursday’s debate when asked if they don’t believe in evolution the development of organisms and species from a primitive state [sic].
[..] Huckabee said if given a chance to elaborate on the question from MSNBC moderator Chris Matthews, he would have responded: “If you want to believe that you and your family came from apes, I’ll accept that….I believe there was a creative process.”
LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas — In a desperate and cynical attempt to get some attention for his utterly forgotten campaign for the GOP nomination, former Governor Mike Huckabee pulled a Jim Webb on his own son and sent young David Huckabee through airport security with a LOADED HANDGUN.
The Glock .40-caliber was “loaded with eight rounds” and concealed in David Huckabee’s briefcase, which he cunningly put through the X-Ray machine.
[…] One of his sons was involved in the hanging of a stray dog at a Boy Scout camp in 1998. The incident led to the dismissal of David Huckabee, then 17, from his job as a counselor at Camp Pioneer in Hatfield, Ark. It also prompted the local prosecuting attorney— bombarded with complaints generated by a national animal-rights group—to write a letter to the Arkansas state police seeking help investigating whether David and another teenager had violated state animal-cruelty laws. The state police never granted the request, and no charges were ever filed. But John Bailey, then the director of Arkansas’s state police, tells NEWSWEEK that Governor Huckabee’s chief of staff and personal lawyer both leaned on him to write a letter officially denying the local prosecutor’s request.
On Friday Union Advisory Board President David Huckabee paid $62.50 in city fees for two companies he owns and operates in Jonesboro. […] Huckabee, a senior political science and speech communications major of Little Rock, paid the $62.50 fine after receiving a notice from the Jonesboro City Collector’s office. Huckabee paid the fine using 6,250 pennies, which took more than 45 minutes to process.
As far as I can tell, it’s mostly secular liberals swooning over Huckabee. Liberals adore Huckabee because he fits their image of what an evangelical should be: stupid and easily led.
