Now incorporating Newsiness Biz

STOCKS IN CHILDREN’S play equipment manufacturers in Pennsylvania metro areas rose dramatically yesterday after a recent study showed children native to the region are spending more time away from consoles and TV, instead preferring outside recreation such as basketball. This comes in spite of unseasonably low temperatures across the Eastern Seaboard. Experts at MIT believe such outside play will make a marked contribution to reducing American children’s historically high levels of stress hormones.

UPSCALE PROPERTY PRICES have fallen farther than expected, claim real-estate agents in the Los Angeles area. The California Association of Realtors blamed greater ease and comfort of commuting, saying that previously exclusive, overwhelmingly white neighbourhoods were now within financial reach of affluent minorities. One recent transplantee to Westside, LA, spoke of his good fortune to us earlier. “It’s hard to believe,” said W.S., 22. “I moved here last week, and was just speechless. I felt like royalty, although it still hasn’t sunk in that I’m really supposed to be here. But I am. I can come home every day and just sit on my throne as the prince of Bel Air.”

She stood in my office, panting, all legs and neck and muzzle. She was a great dame, alright.

I’d been snoozing in my basket, not a care in the world, dreaming about squirrels. Why was it always squirrels? Those slippery bastards always seemed to get away. But then there she was, standing there in front of me, and my dreams took on a different tone.

“Are you Woofus?”

“I am,” I replied, as nonchalant as I could manage. “Private Investigator for hire and part-time puddle drinker. What can I do for you?”

She wagged. Just a little, but enough so that I could see what she was thinking. “I need your help.”

My ears pricked. A fine piece of tail and a job? The day was looking up.

Turned out that someone had been taking her food. Just a little each night, but enough that she noticed it was gone. Exactly the kind of kibble that makes me mad. That bowl was all she had in the world, and someone takes it right out from under her. What a world.

I took the job. Whether I’d let her pay, I wasn’t quite sure yet. First I needed to talk to the right people.

Owie Howie was the neighborhood hedgehog. A real spiky fella, from the wrong side of the fence. Slept all day, roamed the area at night. You had to be sharp to see him, but whenever there was trouble, he’d be there. Luckily, I knew that he’d always talk eventually. A single saucer of milk was all he needed.

Sure enough, he was snoozing under a hedgerow when I found him. I slid the milk towards him with one paw. Wordlessly.

He looked up at me, startled. “Talk,” I said.

“I haven’t done nothin’,” Howie said.

“I’d bet a boneful of kibble that you have,” I said. “But that’s not what I’m here to talk to you about. I’m here about a dame.”

“I didn’t touch her,” Howie said. “Whatever she tells you, she’s lying.”

“Touch who?”

“Lena Dachshund.”

“I’m not here about Lena Dachshund,” I barked. “But you keep your spiky paws to yourself. I’m talking about a real tall dame. Came to me this morning. Said her food was missing. Just a little bit. Sounds like the work of a professional thief, if you ask me.”

Howie looked up at me. There was fear in his eyes, clear as day, even through his milky haze. “I don’t know nothin’ about that.”

I put one paw down on the saucer of milk so hard that it flipped right out onto the lawn. “Talk, damnit. I ain’t gonna ask you again.”

“This is deep,” Howie said. “Too deep even for you, Woofus. Turn away. Turn away now while you still have the chance.”

“I ain’t never turned away from a dame,” I growled, my voice real low. “And I ain’t doing it now. Enjoy your milk, Howie.” I left him, desperately licking milk from blades of grass, out there in the open. Guys like Howie were shameless. I wasn’t about to take advice from him, particularly not now he had told me everything I needed to know.

That looks of fear could only mean one thing around here. There was only one hound sick enough to produce that kind of reaction from a guy like Howie. And I was going to schnuffle him out.

To be continued …

Spoken word beat poetry album (untitled)
Funding goal: $149,000. Time taken: 4 days.
An ingenious commentary on modern-day culture and the new aesthetic, Spoken word beat poetry album (untitled) eschews the poetic form by taking pages from public domain works and performing them in an authentic beat poet style. Tracks include Treasure Island (page 47) and The Balkans: A History of Bulgaria. Can be played on an iPhone.

A lovely cake
Funding goal: $20. Time taken: 30 seconds.
Reward for backing this project: a photo of the cake.

Night star
Funding goal: $12,100,000. Time taken: 7 hours.
Ambitious project to establish a satellite of the earth with a quarter of its diameter. Will have dry seas, craters, and plenty of dust. The idea is that it will reflect the sun at night time, when sunlight is traditionally unavailable: an ingenious solution to an age-old problem. Fully compatible with iPhone use.

Gamey gamey game game game
Funding goal: $1,000,000. Time taken: 1 day, 3 hours.
Gain a new insight into the world around you by playing Gamey gamey game game game, an indie product that takes game dynamics and applies them to the real world in a visceral way. String yourself out on bourbon and take to the streets, whispering obscenities to pets, while evading capture for as long as you can. Take beautiful tilt-shift photos of bewildered dogs and share them on your iPhone.

German
Funding goal: $450,000. Time taken: 3 days, 2 minutes.
For too long, Germany has been without a language of its own. This unique social project aims to establish a form of communication for Europe’s highest exporting nation, including a full grammar, vocabulary and pronunciation instructions. Reward for backing this project: contribute your own compound noun. German will be usable on the iPhone.

Dopamine Rush is a new web community that provides a dopamine rush to its users by pointlessly awarding points when someone clicks on your name.

Explanation:

Patent pending. By Hanjabanja.

Badgeclout: the gamified reputation system that’s pay to play. To assign whuffie to a person, you have to buy it, in the form of virtual gifts like Rolodexes and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates. These gifts can then be traded or assigned like currency. Obviously, the whole thing sits on top of Twitter.

Frolickinbrine: “curse” your Facebook friends. If they’re cursed, an increasing number of sorry events befall their profile, until seven days later it meets its doom. They can escape their fate by performing tasks, like “liking” a brand or cursing their friends.

Idcheckintothat: “check in” to your partners. Leave tips and ratings. Get recommendations.

Badgermatic: iPhone app that automatically inserts a badger into the background of any picture you take. $1.99. Further woodland creatures – and, inexplicably, a squid – are available via in-app purchase.

Teadar: location-aware mobile app for ex-pat Brits in America. Tired of having tea alone? Finds other British people in need of tea in the neighborhood, finds a place that doesn’t serve it in horribly-diluted form in a giant paper cup, and then negotiates biscuits for you all.

Urban Harmony: a mobile app that listens for those people who play music on their phone speakers at the backs of buses and trains, and then harmonizes with them, Barbershop-style.