@mlkingjr29 I have a dream: one day this nation will rise up & ppl will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
@mlkingjr29 Perfect 140! Booyah.

@jfk_4u Need to beat the Commies. Ask me what you can do. Please RT.
@jfk_4u “Beat the Commies” is a euphemism. Ask me what you can do. Please RT. (Are you hot?)

@TPaine These are the times that try men’s souls. There was danger and the city & the country came forth to meet it. Please RT. Shortay!

@richardmilhous I’m honest. This audit says so, ffs. I have proof. I’m honest. Really. PS: This kid sent me ten bucks! PS 2: I hate Russkies. See? Honest.

@JapaneseFoodSux Tweeple! Read my lips: no new taxes. Okay, so you can’t see my lips. You’ll just have to trust me.

@tehgipper @glasnostdude, want to hang? Meet me here at the gate. Tweetup at the wall!
@tehgipper @glasnostdude OMG, IT’S WORLD WAR THREE
@tehgipper @glasnostdude lol, just kidding
@glasnostdude block tehgipper

@AbeLinks Gettysburg: http://bit.ly/gettysburgurl

@jfk_4u Today, in the world of freedom, the proudest boast is “Ich bin ein Berliner.” (My interpreter translated my German! Thx!) #berlinwall
@jfk_4u “I am a donut”?! I just fired my interpreter.
@jfk_4u Though I gotta say, donuts are pretty cool.
@jfk_4u Wanna see what I can do with one?
@theActualMafia @jfk_4u Hey, I just added you to my Mafia family. You should accept my invitation!
@jfk_4u @theActualMafia Ooh, okay!

@richardmilhous Okay, okay, I’m not honest. I’ll be gone at noon tomorrow. kthxbye.

@barackobama RT @TPaine There was danger and the city & the country came forth to meet it. Shortay!

“Can I help you?”

“Please, yes. Please help. My leg … my leg has come off. Help. Please. Oh God.”

“You’re on the wrong floor. Turn around, take the first left, go straight through the double doors, and take the elevator down to the lower ground floor. Then take the first right, go through the blue double doors, turn right again, follow the yellow line and report to reception. They should be able to help you there.”

* * *

“Can I help you?”

“Please, yes. Please help. My leg … my leg has come off. Help. Please. Oh God.”

“No it hasn’t.”

“It has. Look. Please help me.”

“No, it really hasn’t. You’re imagining things. Look, there are people here who are really sick. Go home and call NHS Direct if you don’t feel better in a couple of days.”

“Please, look at my leg, it’s bleeding all over your floor -”

“Yes, yes I can see that. I’m afraid there’ll be a small charge. You’ll need to fill in an eight-eleven double-one-D form. I’ll just be one moment.”

“But if you can see that, surely you can see that my leg is missing. Arterial spurts everywhere. My insides are outside. Please help me.”

“I can’t see any blood. Here, fill in this form so we can charge you for the blood.”

“Oh holy mother, the pain … Is there – is there anyone else I can talk to?”

“Certainly, madam. Please take a ticket, and we’ll be with you in due course. Why don’t you sit over there. … Madam! Oh, madam! I’m sorry, madam, I need you to pay for this blood spatter. We take Visa, Mastercard, or blood.”

* * *

“Can I help you?”

“Please, yes. Please help. My leg … my leg has come off. Help. Please. Oh God.”

“Oh, so it has.”

“Thank God. Please help me.”

“Did the nurse you spoke to previously diagnose you?”

“She said my leg hadn’t come off and that I was fine.”

“Ah.”

“Ah?”

“Well, you see, she’s my superior. If she said your leg hasn’t come off, I’m afraid your leg hasn’t come off. Look! It’s fine. Go home and call NHS Direct if you don’t feel better in a couple of days.”

“But you just said my leg has come off! Please, help me, you just said it!”

“No I didn’t.”

“You did. You said it just then.”

“Then I made a mistake. Look, your leg is fine.”

“It’s not fine. Look at this blood, it’s coming out in pulses -”

“Yes, that’s arterial gushing. That could be a serious problem.”

“But it must be coming from somewhere -”

“It’s coming from the bottom of your foot, perhaps.”

“But where’s my leg? Look at it! Where is my leg?”

“Yes, I see your problem -”

“Oh, thank God!”

“- that leg is much shorter than the other one. I’m afraid we can’t do much about that, madam! You’ll need to go talk to a specialist. Follow the yellow line, turn left, go through the blue double doors, turn left again and take the elevator to the fourth floor. Go straight through the double doors, turn right and you’re there.”

“But the blood -”

“Yes, we’ll need to charge you for that.”

* * *

“Can I help you?”

“Please, yes. Please help. My leg … my leg has come off. Help. Please. Oh God.”

“You’re on the wrong floor. Turn around, take the first left, go straight through the double doors, and take the elevator down to the lower ground floor. Then take the first right, go through the blue double doors, turn right again, follow the yellow line and report to reception. They should be able to help you there.”

Get your lawn repaired the quick and easy way.

Anonymously inform the police that there may be the carefully hidden remains of a triple homicide in your back yard. They’ll be over in no time to dig it up and replant the whole thing!

Invite a drug-addled waning celebrity to visit, and wait for them to die.

AEG will be falling over themselves to profit from the hordes of weeping visitors in no time.

Strike used fryer oil.

It doesn’t matter that the oil well you’ve found is actually the decomposing remains of decades of heart-crushing fried food. Reclaimed grease is a commodity these days, and imagine the energy companies’ glee upon their discovery of a natural field of the stuff! All that energy without the need for a KFC bargain bucket first! Trust us, it’s a gold mine.

Convince Paul McCartney to marry it.

After all, it is semi-detached.

This is a tough economy. Jobs in some sectors are down 45%, and there’s talk of the downturn being as keenly felt as the Great Depression, a time when some families ate rats and people were forced to use their own hair to fashion makeshift home furnishings.

Luckily, there’s another way – a path that could lead to unimaginable riches. To discover if this new life is for you, answer the following questions:

1. Is nobody willing to hire you?
2. Are your skills unnecessary luxuries at a time when companies need to tighten their belts and focus on their core businesses?
3. Do you have an unnecessary sense of entitlement?
4. Is nobody willing to hire you?

If you answered “yes” to any of these, then son, you could be an ENTREPRENEUR.

Here’s how to get started:

1. Invent something to sell.

Don’t worry, you don’t actually have to be an inventor to invent something. It doesn’t even have to be new at all. Just copy something you like, call it something different, and get rid of the difficult bits that don’t make sense or will be difficult to do. Hooray! You’ve invented something!

For example:

Coca Cola is a multi billion dollar international business. It’s one of the most recognizable brands in the world. You want to have an internationally-recognized global brand! But wait: Coke’s recipe is secret and they have copyrights and patents to cover their product, as well as an international network of bottling plants, distribution mechanisms and partner companies.

Don’t worry. Simply mix some carbonated water with a little sugar and cinnamon, shove it into a recycled glass bottle, and call it Artisan Water. Find a store that’s willing to try selling it, charge $4 a bottle, et voila! Export some to a neighboring country like Wales or Canada, and you have your own multinational drinks business! You’ll be giving diabetes to children and oppressing emerging economies in no time.

2. Behave like an innovative businessperson.

The important thing to remember about ENTREPRENEURS is that they don’t need to follow the same rules as ordinary businesspeople. Please don’t worry about business plans, judicious financial strategy or creating a robust corporate infrastructure. Those things are boring and stop you from INNOVATING and TOUCHING BASE. INNOVATING and TOUCHING BASE are the main activities of the ENTREPRENEUR.

Businesspeople create pitches and strategies based on complex financial projections, which are painstaking, time consuming and ultimately useless, as they present a small subset of the possible outcomes of your activity in your chosen market. Talk about pissing into the wind!

• INNOVATING requires creating new ideas and directions. Try to be as INNOVATIVE as possible. That means creating as many new ideas and directions as you can! The more products and directions you come up with, the more INNOVATIVE your company will be!
• TOUCHING BASE means talking to people in a variety of settings about your business. You need not have any tangible outcomes or quantifiable goals – simply TOUCHING BASE is enough. Try TOUCHING BASE at the pub, over lunch, at sporting events, and at the beach!

Model yourself after: GORDON RAMSAY, ALAN SUGAR or DONALD TRUMP. Reality television is a true reflection of how to run a business. Repeat after me: “you’re fired!”

3. Profit! (From your employees, mostly.)

We both know you’re an unemployable, barely-literate chancer. Don’t worry: you need never reveal your shortcomings or foibles to the outside world. Simply hire some knowledgeable yet gullible employees and take credit for everything they do!

Advantages:

• Your employees feel like they’re being listened to and their input is being acted upon, because essentially you’re repackaging their ideas as your own.
• You appear to be an intelligent, INNOVATIVE ENTREPRENEUR, and people will therefore be more willing to TOUCH BASE with you.

Disadvantages:

• If those employees discover what you’re doing, you’re screwed, unless you can find new, even more gullible employees who will be grateful to be part of such an INNOVATIVE business run by a bona fide genuine ENTREPRENEUR.
• If someone asks you a question without the support of your employees, you will make barely-intelligible sentences that consist of buzzwords and key phrases arbitrarily strung together in a way that you think probably sounds impressive but in reality makes people wonder if you’re a regular ketamine user. [NB: there is a proven method to overcome this issue. Bolster your vocabulary with overcomplicated synonyms for common terms, like ACTUALIZE, LEVERAGE and ACTION, and nobody will suspect you don’t have the faintest clue what you’re talking about.]

Actualize!

Follow these simple steps – sorry, I mean action them – and you’ll be an INNOVATIVE ENTREPRENEUR. Can you make it in this tough economy? Hey, probably not. But at least you’ll have a fun couple of months TOUCHING BASE and feeling awesome about yourself.