Greetings, loyal citizen! It’s the motion picture industry here. We’ve noticed you’re buying less DVDs than you used to. This is terrible news. Why might this nineteen-year-old technology be in decline in the age of on-demand video, ubiquitous Internet access and high definition mobile devices? Your turgid pirate faces have the answer written all over them.
Here are ten things we’re doing in 2012 to force you to buy DVDs. DVDs! O, glorious DVDs. So digitally versatile are you. DVDs DVDs DVDs DVDs.
We’re including two hundred and eighty seven unskippable copyright notices before each movie. We know that you may be unfamiliar with the law. That’s why you keep copying our precious intellectual property. So, in order to educate you into paying $14.98 for a legitimate DVD copy of Shallow Hal, we’re incorporating two hundred and eighty seven slightly different copyright notices. That’s almost 48 minutes of copyrights! Consider yourself educated – over and over again.
Introducing DVD dongles. In order to play specially protected dongle DVDs, you need to don a dongle™ on the back of your DVD player. Please note that don a dongle™ is a registered trademark, and that donnable DVD dongles may only be produced under a regional license representing no less than 3% of the retail price of your illegal pirate whore machines (TVs, laptop computers and DVD players).
Pixel protection. One of the leading causes of DVD piracy is the transmission of contiguous, related image components as part of a self-contained frame. Our innovative solution is pixel-only DVD sets. 345,600 miniature television sets (0.004″x0.015″) are placed in a rectangular array, and connected to tiny DVD players. Each one contains a cropped version of the movie exactly one pixel by one pixel wide. Simply hit play on each of the 345,600 DVD players simultaneously, and enjoy your movie. Bittorrent that, assholes.
We will fling poo at you. Our monkeys are primed, and at your windows right now. They’re watching you. Do not violate our intellectual property rights.
Pre-emptive piracy. In order to prevent the public from copying our content and uploading it to illegal file-sharing sites like The Pirate Bay and Demonoid, we will do these things before they have the chance. As we have the full licenses to the content and are in possession of applicable contracts, this will not be breaking any laws. This way, our entertainment products will legitimately continue to reach audiences, retain marketing buzz and royalties from the on-demand, rental, television and air travel markets, without interference from you pirating scumbags.