Hi, America! Al Qaeda here. We’d like to thank you for changing your way of life in response to our activities over the last ten years. It’s fun to visit an airport or public place and see that familiar Al Qaeda stamp! Thanks to our friends at the TSA for making this possible.
We’d like to let you know about some other things we’ve been doing:
We’ve poisoned the french fries. Every french fry you buy in the continental United States is infected with terrorism. The same goes for fried dough, fried butter, and anything from Jack in the Box.
We’ve been broadcasting subliminal messages on the Fox News Channel. It’s basically our channel now. Every time you watch Fox News, you’re inundated with terrorist messages and become a sleeper Al Qaeda operative yourself. We also broadcast hypnotic messages in music played from cellphone speakers on public transport.
American cheese is un-American. ‘Nuff said, we think.
It’s pretty obvious that you should be avoiding Two and a Half Men. But did you know that Al Qaeda is responsible for the programming of America’s Next Top Model? You will smize in hell!
We have sent a large contingent of terrorist operatives who will bicycle on the wrong side of public roads, and on the sidewalks. Further terrorist contingents cram too many people into the segments in revolving doors and randomly come to a stop in crowded pedestrian areas.
The giant TVs at all Costco entrances are set to explode randomly.
Chihuahua dogs, when combined with handbags, will form a complete dirty bomb.
The cast of Jersey Shore join together like Voltron to create one big mega-terrorist.
We certainly don’t think that you should alter your lives in response to this new information.