Editor’s note: Rum and Monkey has existed as a website since January 31, 2002, well before many of its visitors had mastered the art of fully autonomous toilet control. However, it is not yet the Internet giant it deserves to be. These are the notes from a recent meeting where plans to rectify this by utilizing a win-win, zero-game, synergistic managed innovation strategy were touch-base synchroblurted molepoo dancer blah blah blah.
1. Pay Per Click advertising. We advertise
bullshit relevant products and services and negotiate a fee every time an identity slave a user clicks through.
2. Eyeball-based advertising. We laser etch advertisements for relevant products and services on the eyeballs of punters. This gives us an advantage over our competitors Google, whose “don’t be evil” motto holds them back from doing the cool stuff. Luckily, our “be aggressively weird” motto is more permissive.
3. Bikini car wash! We wash bikinis with cars, in a crafty twist on the old classic. For crafty backwards money.
4. Build an iPhone app that convinces iPhone users that they must gently sing to their glassy-faced call-droppers daily or they will shrivel and die. Sell it for $1.99.
5. Organize a webinar. Charge people a fee in exchange for ceasing to use the word webinar. Move the event to Twitter, coin the term twonference, and profit handsomely.
6. Orchestrate a gargantuan reverse 419 scam and buy Nigeria.
7. Redevelop the site into one that has both purpose and definition, in a way that focuses on a specific audience and creates high quality, intelligent content on a highly regular basis. Attract valuable sponsors and sell branded products and services that are attractive to said audience. Probably drop that one article illustrated by a photo of Robert Mugabe.
8. Three words: virtual poo slinging.
9. Enrage the Tea Party by using logical reasoning, measured debate and intelligent political discourse based on a common respect across partisan lines. Also, call Glenn Beck a clownish buffoon whose carefully administered disinformation is viscerally evil. Include a new cartoon character, the ObamaCare Bear, who shoots rainbows powered by socialized medicine and a universal right to healthcare. Charge them to reply. Double if they want to reference Ayn Rand.
10. Become a social meme marketing agency. Describe ourselves as “gurus”. Provide face-to-face seminars, webinars, twonferences and fucktoblasts about how to create social widgets that the unwashed masses will paste upside their sites and spread virally across the twogosphere like some kind of pan-digital syphilis. Get government funding for the fucktoblasts.
11. Bring back Owen. What the hell happened to Owen? Is he still looking at those goddamn clouds?
12. Get as many Twitter followers as possible.
13. The world has a population of over 6 billion, with a total wealth of over $100 trillion. Create a website for everybody. If we can capture just 1% of the market, we’ll be fabulously profitable.
14. Sell own blood.
14a. Sell own blood to Google.
14b. Create a service that rewards users for checking in their own blood at local restaurants, cafés, schools and libraries. Award badges.
15. Actually begin selling rum and monkeys. Licensing for both may be an issue, so perhaps begin by selling just monkeys. But get them drunk first. If necessary, reassure them with a monkey lullaby, or rouse them into rum-sodden joyfulness with a sea shanty.
16. Two words: Internet mugging. Like GroupOn with knives.
17. Accept defeat and sell to AOL.