I have a problem with you.
I mean, not specifically you, sitting at your computer playing on the Internet when you ought to be doing something far more important. You’re a harmless procrastinator, inching closer and closer to death without being totally cognisant of the fact that one day you’ll be gone and nothing you’ve done in your whole entire life will have mattered. You’re harmless. No, I mean you, each and every one of you, the bolus collective audience as a group. You suck.
I’m going to cut straight to the chase. Each and every one of you has potential. You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake, to paraphrase an over-paraphrased, overrated, verging-on-fascist style-over-substance pseudfest of a movie, but you could become one. Make the right decisions, fail to succumb to apathy, follow your heart and try and avoid the bad luck that dogs anything with a pulse, and there’s every chance you could turn humanity on its head and make a permanent, indelible mark on civilisation. I’m not joking. You could change everything.
Thing is, you don’t. Never have, never will. You can’t, you won’t. You’re an apathetic, skill-deprived, underperforming son-of-a-schmuck who might as well just shit out the rest of your days phoning in your lines in a 9 to 5 trainwreck of a life, squirming through relationships you don’t really want to be in and going through the motions of being a happy, well-to-do human being when really you want someone to switch off your charade of a life and change the channel to something interesting. You and psoriasis are on an equal footing. You’re a flake. Except you’ve willingly seen at least one episode of America’s Next Top Model, and psoriasis isn’t sentient and doesn’t have eyeballs, so in at least one important respect you’re losing.
Even versus Karl Rove – accepted by many to be the walking, heaving human being equivalent of psoriasis – you lose. I’m not going to explain why. You just do.
Here’s where, in normal circumstances, we might think about publishing a top ten list. We’re a site on the Internet, after all, and the idea is that you post ten articles a day and get paid roughly a gonad hair every ten words for the privilege, so actual textual content with paragraphs and things isn’t normally the order of the day. We did an article called "What would Jesus do?" which was just a list of things we thought it would be funny for Jesus to have sex with, for Christ’s sake. Paragraphs don’t really belong on the Internet. They seem wrong, like thoroughly researched investigative journalism, or linking to Goatse or Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up now that they’re both so totally over.
But you deserve a little more punishment than a bullet list can provide. You see, your apathy isn’t just affecting you. It’s not just affecting your family or the people you know. At best estimate there are well over six billion people on this tiny, choking crapsicle we call a planet, and you’re affecting them all. I’m not saying you directly control the fate of the universe, but every time you don’t give a shit, a baby dies. So care, asshole.
This has been a political broadcast on behalf of caring. Your heart endorses this message. And I’m going to lay off the goddamn whisky and go to bed.