January 2018

Its eyes are USB 5.1 ports; its ears pump music directly from the bowels of the Earth. It follows you wherever you go, just floating, always facing you, occasionally pausing to open its mouth in mock surprise. Swim, and it glides just above the surface of the water, waiting for you to emerge. Go to sleep and it follows you to your bedroom, gently whispering sleep throughout the night as it glows faintly in the dark. Wake up and it’s there, hovering above your bed, the technological waking terror ready to follow you around for another day. It’s an Apple fan’s dream come true.

The Devil Head comes in three variants: a vanilla Devil Head, which has all of the basic functionality, a Devil Head Air, which looks two dimensional when it faces you dead on, a bit like a halibut, and the Devil Head Pro, which is a little faster, can wiggle its eyebrows in time to The Immigrant Song, and shoots lasers at the weak and people foolish enough not to do its bidding. A tactile, multi-touch Devil Head is apparently in the works; insiders tell us that it responds to stroking and a playful tussle in productive, motivating ways, including repetitively chanting Satan over and over again. Form, function and design - Apple have done it again! Pricing starts at a reasonable $1,499,999.99.

Excerpted from TechCrunch’s direct brain transmission feed, between an article by Duncan Riley about geopolitical current affairs and the impending launch of a rumored Twitter clone

January 2023

With the introduction of the global new world order comes a new product line from Apple. Perhaps out of respect for our new masters, or perhaps because Jonathan Ive has been poached by Imperial Overlord 1 to develop his personal Helmet of Good and Just Destruction, these have returned to the style first made famous by Jobs and Wozniak in the early 1980s. The beige coloring of the iDestructoCube is a nostalgic nod to the original Mac Classic. The bomb that appears on-screen to alert you to the fact that a member of the Imperial Overlord Council has marked you for deletion is straight from System 7, and even the kiloton explosion that will subsequently rip apart your home and family has been digitally tuned to sound like Sosumi. As always, the magic is in the little touches.

Steve gave a dynamic performance as always, even despite Engadget’s snipers continually taking out Imperial Officers in the auditorium with high-powered rifles (they’ve since been banned from returning), and Admiral Huckabee’s guest appearance was a fun addition to a rewarding hour.

Taken from CNet News For The Benefit Of The Goodly Imperial Emperor

January 2028

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From Dave Winer’s blog

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