I live in the suburbs
October 24th, 2007 by Gregor Stronach
I live in the suburbs. That’s nothing special. Just about everyone in Sydney lives in the suburbs, with the notable exception of homeless people, who live in the ‘streets’, and wannabe gangsta types who live in ‘the hood’. I imagine ‘the hood’ would be pretty crowded. I often wear a hoodie. There’s just enough room in the hood part of it for my head. Which is confusing in and of itself. Perhaps they only live in my head, which is itself in ‘the hood’. It would explain my many and carried mood swings.
Anyhow… I live in the suburbs. I’m surrounded by blocks of flats and smug pieces of shit who can afford actual houses. They constantly rub my nose in my inability to save enough money to buy my quarter-acre block by watering their gardens with giant Methuselahs of expensive imported French springwater (sparkling, of course), while laughing gaily as their wives back their shiny new Audis over their infant children in the driveway. I hate them. They remind me of Ann Coulter. Smug fucks who know that they’re doing the wrong thing, but don’t fucking care.
Anyhow… I live in a flat. In America, they’d call it an apartment. If I owned it, and I lived in America, they’d call it a condo. Somehow, ownership of an apartment magically transforms it into a condo. This, to me, makes no sense at all. It’s a flat. Or a unit. You’re a unit. Just for reading this, you’re a unit. Unit!
Anyhow… some smug Audi-driving fuck who lives in a stand-alone house near me has a big enough backyard to have a chicken coop. I’m assuming it’s a chicken coop, because at all hours of the day and night, I can hear a rooster. It crows incessantly, except when it stops. It sounds a bit like Robert Page, back when he used to swill vodka and scream a lot. It also sounds a bit like someone trying to start a small Japanese car with a crook starter motor. Or bad sparkplugs. I hate small Japanese cars. They remind me of small Japanese people, and I feel sad that so many Japanese people are so small. Honestly, they’re tiny. I had a friend with a Japanese girlfriend once. He met her online. She moved to Sydney, and lived in his room for a year. She was so small, she was invisible. But a steady diet of Australian food fattened her up. Even so, it was about four months before she was even visible to the naked eye.
Anyhow… I live in a unit in the suburbs near some houses where someone keeps a chicken coop with a sad-sounding rooster that is, at this point in time, utterly devoid of Japanese people. The unit, that is. I have no idea if the chicken has any Japanese people. It might, oyu know… they could live in the chicken eggs. You know… because they’re tiny. They’re like the Borrowers. In that they constantly steal things. And are small.
Anyhow… My unit is near a house with a rooster that crows at all hours. 1am – Cock-a-doodle-dooooooo, it goes. Over and over. Crying out into the darkness of the night. “I am a rooster, and this is my turf”, it screams. There are no other calls to be heard. It is the Alpha Rooster. And I hate it. But I have a plan. Oh yes… I have a plan. I live very close to a KFC outlet. The smell that KFC produces is maddening. It smells so good, but you know – you just know – that no matter how hungry that wafting scent of chicken fat and MSG makes you, if you put even a solitary morsel of the Colonel’s Secret Recipe in your mouth, you will instantly gain massive amounts of weight. They should feed it to Japanese people.
Anyhow… I’ve hatched this plan. Much like a chicken hatches an egg, I hatched a plan in my unit near a house with a chicken in the suburbs who cries through sheer loneliness, a mournful crowing. Like a bird with an aching beak. A bird unhappy that it’s doomed to go through life with beady eyes. Little, beady eyes and a cold, black heart. The plan is fiendishly simple. The plan is this: I will snatch the rooster. I will steal an Audi. I will drive the rooster to KFC, and deposit it – crowing mightily, through the drive-through window. I will proclaim loudly that I see no signs at all saying that KFC doesn’t accept BYO. I will be arrested. I will blame it on the odour of KFC. And I will walk away scott-free.
Because everyone lives in the suburbs. And everyone knows what it’s like to look at the greener grass and wish wistfully that those fucking idiots next door would realise that the suburbs are no place for a chicken.
October 24th, 2007 at 10:22 pm
I don’t live in the suburbs. But I firmly believe that the suburbs are the best possible place for a chicken.
Also holy shit YAY a Gregor article.
October 25th, 2007 at 6:55 am
“KFC doesn’t accept BYO”
Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
October 26th, 2007 at 9:34 pm
Pluck the chicken. Pluck him bare, and then mock him. Or, pluck him, get your own very fluffy rooster, and then mock both the naked chicken and his idiotic owner. Also, be sure to bring your fluffy rooster so as to anger and confuse the naked one.
October 30th, 2007 at 12:52 am
the rooster crows at 1am? is it blind??
October 30th, 2007 at 1:20 am
“the rooster crows at 1am? is it blind??”
Nope - more likely it is simply terminally stupid.
October 30th, 2007 at 6:37 am
….tell the owner to keep the rooster in a henbox at night that is two inches shorter than the rooster when crowing. if the rooster cant stretch its neck fully the bastards cant make a sound.
…or just stretch its neck permanently.
November 1st, 2007 at 6:01 pm
I was about halfway through the article, and then I was like, “…this is such a Gregor article”, and I scrolled up, and it was. That was creepy of me. I apologize.
November 5th, 2007 at 5:46 am
“I was about halfway through the article, and then I was like, “…this is such a Gregor article”, and I scrolled up, and it was.”
And lo! God has granted you an article by me.
feel blessed. I don’t write for fun much any more.
November 5th, 2007 at 5:59 am
This article takes me back to: This page is blank.
I liked that article and I like this one.
‘I don’t write for fun much anymore’…I know what that feels
like but you should, purely for my entertainment.
November 7th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
Hoorah for His most holy Spiffiness!
I agree with Amy. You should write more for fun. If not for your fun, then for our fun. Really, as long as there’s fun involved, I’m in favour.
November 9th, 2007 at 3:47 am
Hmmm, how bout instead of taking the rooster to KFC (which wouldnt work because its Kentucky Fried Chicken, not Kentucky Fried Rooster, which is a shame cause i like eating roosters.. :P), get a man-eating tiger to eat the rooster, then eat naighbours, then scare away the people in the overcrouded hoodie, and then when you have run out of things to feed to the tiger cook up the tiger and feed it to the japanese so to make them not so smallish and bing-bada-boom, problem solved, everyones happy, except for the people who got eaten, the rooster, and the tiger…
November 13th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
Your writing style is very similiar to Chuck Palaniuk’s. Interesting read! I’ll be looking for more!!
November 19th, 2007 at 7:11 am
I liked This Page Is Blank.
November 23rd, 2007 at 3:59 am
Oh Chick, Chick, Chickalet gave great and mighty thanks to KFC, hatched her last egg, discovered her wings and soured high, high into the night sky and headed for the sun. Once landed, plucked her coat and shapeshifted into golden flying fish, living happily away from the Suberbs with many small Asian Lamas.
November 25th, 2007 at 2:57 pm
I love you. Will you marry me?
December 3rd, 2007 at 8:22 am
This is writing?? Your a left wing nut case…..who doesnt have a clue about Ann Coulter. You don’t have an ounce of conviction in you , how can you judge anyone.Your writings are full of hate. You’ll probably go far in left wing circles.
December 7th, 2007 at 4:30 pm
I just came across this site. I love it and want to touch it in provocative ways.
December 13th, 2007 at 11:42 pm
At least the rooster can make a mark. That’s all that matters. His mission is accomplished.
Who can I mark?
December 18th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
U CANT LIVE IN SYDNEY AND AMERICA AT THE SAME TIME MARFUKA
January 1st, 2008 at 10:30 am
fucking racist you must have been.
you lived a long life that is totally worthless
feel in your heart, do you really have any good character? are you really worth living? can you really write such a dumb racist, negative things and say that you don’t give a damn?
good day~
January 5th, 2008 at 4:03 am
my neighbor has a rooster.
i bought a dog.
err; my neighbor had a rooster.
take pictures. kthanks.
February 26th, 2008 at 12:02 am
….I’m a unit?!
May 17th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
you’re fucking sick! i like love this site.. i love most people here..
but you’re dumb fucking sick who needs attention for the sake of you being so proud of
yourself.. i mean you hate yourself in a way that other people would like you for that..
you stupid fuck.. hahaha
hate me. you poor retard