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Diet plans you might like to try

by Benjamin

The Web 2.0 diet: Tag your food. Only eat food you’ve tagged with “fatty” on special occasions. Round the corners on your sandwiches and try to sell them to Yahoo.

The MetaFilter diet: I, for one, welcome our new trans-fatty overlords.

The fundamentalist Mormon diet: Eat more pies. Insist that God told you your scales are wrong.

The Dick Cheney diet: Burn that fat away! With a gun. And cackling. And invasions.

The carbon trading diet: Pay an impoverished thin person to take on your fat, thereby causing them to die early from your renewed food consumption.

The asexual reproduction diet: Bud asexually. Give your new clone half your weight and send them on their way. Pray they don’t turn evil.

The kitten diet: Surgically implant kittens. Before long, they r in ur belly stealing ur fat.

The big city yuppie diet: Just don’t have time to eat, because your life is so hectic, man. Reserve scorn for anyone who has time to eat.

The rectal prolapse diet: Let it out. Let it all out.

The Soviet Russia diet: All obesity is theft. Share your porky flesh around, except with the Ukraine.

The X-Files diet: Adamantly declare that your weight gain is to do with aliens. Eventually discover a conspiracy that dubiously links all of the other diets to a secret cabal deep within the US government in an awkwardly plotted way. Continue to eat pies, because by this point nobody understands what you’re trying to do anyway.

The blubberblubberblubber diet: Eat lots, all the time, as conspicuously as possible. When anyone questions you, turn to them with a smile and declare, “blubberblubberblubber!”

The Doctor Who diet: Get as fat as you possibly can. With five minutes to spare, become thin and healthy again through the use of an improbable macguffin.

The Quiet Riot diet: Rock out. With tofu.

The cynicism diet: Who says fat’s bad for you anyway?

The Eastenders diet: Eat only pain.

The Mariah Carey diet: Eat only Mariah Carey.

The Anne Geddes diet: Eat only babies.

The GI friendly pre-honey diet: Eat only bees.

The Tony Blair diet: Undermine British democracy through a combination of bloody-minded doggedness, slavish adherence to US policy despite its negative impact on local interests, rarely discussed religious fervour and possibly inducing heart attacks in political rivals. Eat salad while doing so.

9 Responses to “Diet plans you might like to try”

  1. Mark H Wilkinson Says:

    This was excellent. Even though you don’t appear to know what a McGuffin is.

  2. helen Says:

    I’m still hungry. Even the rectal prolapse diet failed to put me off eating pies for lunch*.

    And since when do yuppies say ‘man’? You filthy hippie.

    *actually, I might have yakisoba. This was a pointless aside.

  3. Alanah Says:

    mr Blair doesn’t eat salad he eats dictators and evil- apparently.

  4. Ed Says:

    fuck you Saddam had too much rocketman and look what happened to him, mind you Bush obviously has BSE, or mabe tourettes we’ll never know……

  5. Rachel Beukelman Says:

    My friend Aubrey said, “X-Files wasn’t poorly plotted the first five seasons!” But she’s an X-Files freak, so feel free to ignore.

  6. Joseph Says:

    I read yur diet of eat kitten. It nise. Cat have long hisstorie of eat peeple. It only fare now we eat cat. Of coarses it fare they not die in stumick but suck fat away. I teech klass now. Selfdefence for cat. I bring out innur dinosawer of cat. “attak dog” I say. Soon cat overcome dog rise too top. I on road be reel estate magnet. it comon knawlegde Evryone own outer space. I want buy evryones’ slise of space now wile prise low. If you Benjamin want sell you slise, I pay 5 euro. If have star, I pay 6 euro. black whole – 7. But frist I want see your prawpertie. I cant get so let me know if you has space car or uFO. I pay for gas.

  7. Daniel Says:

    Yoor Dog…It tasty I much like dog …Make me sex explode in my pants

  8. unsafe at any speed: weight loss for nutters « running through rain Says:

    [...] Because haven’t we all read less plausible diet plans? At least these are good for a cheap laugh. Stolen from Rum and Monkey, read the rest on their site. The Web 2.0 diet: Tag your food. Only eat food you’ve tagged with “fatty” on special occasions. Round the corners on your sandwiches and try to sell them to Yahoo. [...]

  9. darkocean Says:

    LOL go you snub your nose at stupid diets! Ha! XD Heathy lifestyle is were it’s at ! Eating what you want with fruitsm veggies, and nothing forbidden (except to many cals) is the real way to losse the pounds!

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