The Web 2.0 diet: Tag your food. Only eat food you’ve tagged with “fatty” on special occasions. Round the corners on your sandwiches and try to sell them to Yahoo.
The MetaFilter diet: I, for one, welcome our new trans-fatty overlords.
The fundamentalist Mormon diet: Eat more pies. Insist that God told you your scales are wrong.
The Dick Cheney diet: Burn that fat away! With a gun. And cackling. And invasions.
The carbon trading diet: Pay an impoverished thin person to take on your fat, thereby causing them to die early from your renewed food consumption.
The asexual reproduction diet: Bud asexually. Give your new clone half your weight and send them on their way. Pray they don’t turn evil.
The kitten diet: Surgically implant kittens. Before long, they r in ur belly stealing ur fat.
The big city yuppie diet: Just don’t have time to eat, because your life is so hectic, man. Reserve scorn for anyone who has time to eat.
The rectal prolapse diet: Let it out. Let it all out.
The Soviet Russia diet: All obesity is theft. Share your porky flesh around, except with the Ukraine.
The X-Files diet: Adamantly declare that your weight gain is to do with aliens. Eventually discover a conspiracy that dubiously links all of the other diets to a secret cabal deep within the US government in an awkwardly plotted way. Continue to eat pies, because by this point nobody understands what you’re trying to do anyway.
The blubberblubberblubber diet: Eat lots, all the time, as conspicuously as possible. When anyone questions you, turn to them with a smile and declare, “blubberblubberblubber!”
The Doctor Who diet: Get as fat as you possibly can. With five minutes to spare, become thin and healthy again through the use of an improbable macguffin.
The Quiet Riot diet: Rock out. With tofu.
The cynicism diet: Who says fat’s bad for you anyway?
The Eastenders diet: Eat only pain.
The Mariah Carey diet: Eat only Mariah Carey.
The Anne Geddes diet: Eat only babies.
The GI friendly pre-honey diet: Eat only bees.
The Tony Blair diet: Undermine British democracy through a combination of bloody-minded doggedness, slavish adherence to US policy despite its negative impact on local interests, rarely discussed religious fervour and possibly inducing heart attacks in political rivals. Eat salad while doing so.