Hiya all.

This is a thread for reviewing movies. I can hear you already shuddering at the savage twist of logic there; don't worry because the rules are even worse. I had a chat with the Rum Monkeys and they gave me the go ahead with this, so I'll be moderating the topic like an authoritarian superbitch, so no whining about any mods being Nazis on here. Especially not me, because I rule.

Try and think of this section as being like the daily song...except with movies.

Here are the rules:

You can only post reviews. You can of course point out factual mistakes in a review. (debates about the movies brought up...aw, go on then. Preferably though you should try and make your reply in the form of your own review, to keep things smooth.)

You must post the name of the of the movie you're reviewing at the top of your post. This extends to posts debating the review or pointing out mistakes. Feel free to include other information too if you can, although it isn't mandatory; such as when it was made, the producer, star, whether or not it was a remake and so forth.

You can make your reviews as long as you'd like, (within reason, you nutjobs; no one sentence "I liked it"s,) and since you've put the title at the top of your post you can also feel free to put in any spoilers of the movie you'd like.

Okies, toodleoo.

Hm.

I think a clarification is in order: I meant for you lot to review movies, yourselves. :)

And thusly, with such a post, I break my own set of rules.

Review : Harry Potter - The Chamber of Secrets

Well, well, well, well, WELL. I don't even think the first movie compares to this one. Sitting there for so long was well worth it, seeing as I enjoyed it quite a bit. Lucious had me giggling like a fruity fangirl on the edge of my seat every time he turned around, Hermione is the cutest damn little girl in the world, and I just love Hagrid so. As for appearance - In my opinion, Lockheart should have had longer, culier hair like he's pictured in the book... 'cause I'd be a damn egotistical bastard if my hair was that pretty, too. Myrtle, I think should have had a more whiney appearance to her, maybe a tad overweight instead of stickgirl would have done her more justice. The pigtails and glasses were very good. I hate Draco. Hate, hate, HATE the way he looks. But he's a stupid character and I don't care much about him anyway... so whatever. I also really disliked the Basilisk... That could have been a lot better. The creature originally I think should have been a lot more, well, serpantine. It should have had a snake-like head, at least, instead of looking like a wannabe Jurassic Park creature... and maybe a little drier. It gave off the slimey effect, like it was an amphibean rather than a reptile. I really wasn't fond of the Basilisk, and the mandrakes and Dobby were just plain creepy to look at.

Onto storyline... This wasn't my favorite book to start with, seeing as I much more prefer the third book. Now... this definitely was not a children's movie. The end was very strong, and a tad, well, graphic. The spiders were pretyy gross, and the was a pretty good amount of blood. It was pretty morbid, and I would have been terrified if was under the age of eleven or so. The effects were excellent, and I think the Quidditch match was much better made out than in the first one.

Timing? A little off. It could have used another half and hour or so in order to get some more of the important detail. The fact Ginny and Myrtle both had crushes on Harry were completely left out, along with some other things. I noticed a few things seemed to added in, like the extra length of the Quiddith match. I think if they'd left out some of the pointless fancy, overdone-ness of special effects like that they would have had more time to add to the actual important part of the storyline.

All in all? Pretty good. I can't say I didn't thoroughly enjoy it, it was a great movie. I only think it needed a lot more of the important detail rather than flashy Ooh-Aah stuff, and I would give it two thumbs up.

Final: 7/10

I must point out that I'm obliged to delete posts containing other peoples' reviews. Copyright theft and all that.

[MODDY MODDY

This movie is Resident Evil.]


Well that was a load of shit.... was the first thing that came to my mind after seeing it.

after playing the games, the thought of a movie with Zombies in a creepy mansion with a couple of marines would be good.WRONG
instead we get a bad acted, appalingly scripted piece of Tat!!!

DID THE MAKERS EVER SEE A RESIDENT EVIL GAME!!!!

The movie begins with our scantily clad heroine doing her naked thang...a highlight of the film!
after some dodgy storytelling the movie proper begins.....then the zombies arrive.
Gone are the rotting corpses of the game, heres Bob the cleaner fresh off of his shift at Microsoft. the disapointment is that the Zombies are so cheaply done that its laughable, they dressed up the crew in pale make-up and made them walk slowly towards the camera!!

After seeing some good Horror/Fantasy films such as the Alien films this is a real disapointment, the special effects are nice in places but Resident Evil always looks like it has the budget of a Sinclair Spectrum computer game!!

The stars are no-body's Milla Jojovitch(spelling?) out of Fith Element(the naked one with bandages) is the main attraction, the other "Star" is someone I[I AM TOO STUPID TO USE AN APOSTROPHE]ve never heard of but she proceeds to act terribly throughout!

anyway um id give this 3/5 stars if simply for Milla Jojovitchs breasts and a cool laser scene.

infact these bits are both over after 30 minutes so after that you can watch a decent movie

SIGNS

I finally watched it last night and I think it was very well done. The cast was absolutely perfect. I can't think of a single thing that could have made it any better.

Nostradamus.
I like it. I was disapointed with all the monkey lovin' on the go. I was more intersted in his prophecies then who he had sex with. But it was interesting none the less. Yet for some reason the move seemed to drag on forever. Also, not eerything that happened was coherent. But if Nostradamus is of an interst to you, watch the movie just for the hell of it.

Memento, Christopher Nolan

Starring:
Guy Pearce (many other actors whose names do not come to mind)

Plot:
I could be a jerk and tell you the ending, but the ending is the beginning. The reason I love this movie is cinematography. Check it out! Its filmed backwards! The editing is superb, and will keep you riveted. Its about Leonard Shelby (Guy Pearce) who gets a mental condition where he can't make memories at all. He remembers everything about his past, he just can't make new memories. All he knows now is that he needs to avenge his wife that he lost to the hands of some burguralrs, or what have you. They screw up his future, and past and he wants to return the favor. Of course, this is no easy task because people are alwasy messing with him and taking advantage of his disability. He leaves notes for himself where he knows he'll find them so he dosen't completely screw up.

Review:
Excellent movie, spctacular in fact. All the acting was perfect, every character has their own degree of mind f***ing they deal to Leonard to make you loathe them. So, it turns out that you sort of pick your own bad guy. I saw the movie 6 times in close proximity and am not opposed to watching it again.

On a scale of 10, I give Momento a 9/10.

Ginger Snaps.

How a werewolf movie should be, basically. I sort of took objection to the series of suicide pictures during the starting credits, but then the movie got going and it was forgiven. I'd applaud it and call it one of the best teen horror films ever were it not for the shitty ending.

So, I guess I'm going to have to go back and recommend Ringu to you all again instead.

Chicago.

You are all jealous of me because I live in an area that has a theatre that already had Chicago out and have seen it already.

No really. You are. Go on, be jealous.

Chicago is based on the Bob Fosse 1975 Broadway musical of the same name. It tells the story of Roxie Hart, arrested for the murder of her lover in Jazz era Chicago. That's the real short version because I'd much rather talk about the pretty shiny-ness of it.

Pretty. Shiny.

The best part about the movie is that, unlike the most annoying aspect of most musicals, where everybody just randomly breaks out into song and dance, the action of the movie takes places on its own, and is interspersed with the spectacular song and dance numbers, which are set as if in a jazzy nightclub. This makes Chicago maintain the feel of a stage show, but still work smoothly as a movie as well.

And I never thought Richard Gere could tap dance. (That's him. The whole time.)

10. large flashy shiny flapper-girl murderess row 10.

Scotland, PA

I wasn't sure what to expect when I rented this movie, since I had heard very little about it. It is a take-off on MacBeth. It sets MacBeth in the 1970s in a fastfood restaurant. It was a very interesting black comedy with several plot twists. Maura Tierney plays Mrs. MacBeth with just the right amount of twisted humor. There are several other very good supporting characters, one being the gay thespian brother (You'll have to see it to understand).
Christopher Walken does a stellar job as a vegetarian detective, however it was difficult to separate him from his performance in the music video he danced in. I kept expecting him to fly across the screen.
I highly recommend renting this movie.

The Hours

shit. shite. kaka.


way over-rated. unless you enjoy empty tedious movies, where good actors spent the entire film with the same expression (i think it was supposed to be misery) pasted on, give it a pass.

boring,
trite.
slow.

so slow i left to piss, walked to work, chatted wif my boss, had a smoke, chatted with a security guard, and got spare keys cut for my car, and still missed nothing of consequence.

Pi

I hated it.

Now before I get all the cinema fags upset by criticising their favorite movies, I will say that it may be a technically good avant-garde film.

I however hate avant-garde films on principle. I prefer substance over style. If the story doesn't grab my attention, it's a waste of time.

I did like Requiem For A Dream, but it had a MASSAGE? to it. The only MASSAGE? I could get from this piece of trash is that mathematics is a waste of time. And I agree.

The only interesting part was the one involving the Jew explaining the mysteries of the Kabbala in a nutshell.

Perhaps the reason I didn't like it was because everyone I know told me it was a brilliant film. However, they are all burned out potheads, and I hardly think their opinion matters since they could say the same thing about any Disney film or see deep meaning in Brittney Spears.

Movie: Crossroads

Note: I decided to see this movie due to a sick, sick, morbid fascination I have with celebrities. And seeing them fail miserably. Go me. All my personal opinions on the movie will be in this smaller font size, for reference

Plot: This movie centers around three girls: Lucy, the virginal valedictorian of her high school (played by Britney Spears (ahahahahahaha)), Mimi, the pregnant trailer-trash rocker girl (played by Zoe Saldana (Who I believe was in the movie Big Trouble, but I'm not sure)), and Kit, the popular, beautiful, stuck up one (played by Taryn Manning (who was the cool black girl in Center Stage)). Long before high school, these three were the best of friends, and thus, buried a memory box full of wishes (only to be opened at midnight the night of their graduation (which I find pretty funny, because at midnight, it won't exactly be the night of their graduation anymore, will it, but rather the day after)) and make a pact to stay best friends forever.

Of course, they don't. They each go their seperate ways, and do not get along in high school, as is shown in a short high school scene. After the graduation ceremony, there is a dance, where Mimi goes to Lucy and Kit and asks them if they are going to show up that night at midnight to dig up the box. Lucy wants sex badly, so she says that she has other plans, and heads up to the hotel room her lab partner of the past three years and her are sharing. Kit says no because she's obviously too good to dirty herself up by doing that.

Well, Lucy doesn't in fact have sex because she wants it to be special and her lab partner of the past three years just doesn't cut it. That, and the fact that he's a bloody geek. Kit ends up getting rather angry at her friends due to them telling her that her fiancee, who is away at UCLA for college, is more than likely cheating on her.

Lo, and behold, all three show up at the memory box digging up gala. In their fancy dresses. They dig up the box and beam over memories past. Mimi tells them of a recording contract contest she's going to join out in LA, and invites Lucy and Kit to accompany her on the drive. They both say no, and that is that.

And, all three show that Sunday when Mimi is going to be leaving.

So, they hop into a car with a guy they barely know (the only person to know him is Mimi, and that's just a bit, if any) and they drivey drivey for hours.

There is lots of singing and girl stuff on this many day drive from Georgia to LA, and the guy gets pissy and moody. He falls for Lucy. Sets a poem she wrote to music for her to sing. Lucy gets her special sex, Kit finds out her fiancee not only was cheating on her, but raped Mimi, and Mimi falls down stairs and loses her baby.

Lucy goes into the contest singing the song the guy, Ben, set to music, and it ends happy.

My comments on it: This movie, however much so I wanted it to suck horribly, was better than it should have been. At first, the acting was completely atrocious, even by DAN AKROYD (who played Lucy's mechanic.. I mean, father), but it got a little better as the movie neared the end.

Britney did not look like a complete whorebag in this movie, and I really appreciated that. Of course, she was playing the virginal good blond girl character, so she really had to look like that in order to fulfill the role.

It was very apparent that Britney lip-sinced her singing bits in the movie, but its like that at music awards she performs at as well. She needs to learn how to lip-sinc better.

Editing error: During one scene where Britney is singing to get money for the group, the forgot to edit out her navel piercing. We laughed a bit at that.

All in all, I'd say that this was a decent movie for young Britney fans. 13-16 year olds, especially. It was slightly reminiscent of the Spice Girls movie, in that it was all GRLL POWAR YEAAAAH. It focused on how good friendship prevails throughout any troubles.

It was not a bad movie, and that makes me want to cry.

But, then again, I could have been watching Glitter.

Edit: I forgot to add the most amazing part.

The DVD has... are you ready...

SING ALONG WITH BRITNEY.

"Memento"

LB

but i liked it as momento....... i interpreted it as the guy living one disconnected moment at a time.............

The Legend of 1900

I saw this movie on Bravo again last night, and I really like it. Tim Roth is 1900, a piano prodigy who spends his entire life on board a cruise ship. The story is told in flashbacks narrated by his friend (Pruitt Taylor Vince, the guy from Murder One with jittery eyes) who is trying to stop the ship being demolished with 1900 still on board.

Tim Roth, as always, is very good. He makes his character's decision never to set foot on land seem almost logical. There are some maudlin bits (his almost-love interest, his final conversation with his friend) but they are not overwhelming.

The plot is not overly sophisticated, but who cares? The music is cool. The piano duel between 1900 and Jelly Roll Morton is enough to make up for anything the film lacks.

Withnail and I


because LB reminded me about it.........

a great movie.........really.

outstanding performances........ sets and shots that make you feel as miserable as the characters.....

viscious humour from Richard E. Grant..........

liquid heat, drinking paint thinner, being trapped in a farmhouse with a raging homosexual............

(its about these two desperate actors, in london, just befor 1970..........and all the scams they play on others and themselves to try and survive..... or at least take their minds off their pathetic lives.....)


i soooooooooo reccommend it.

'Pollock'

It's about the life of Jackson Pollock. Well Duh.

I rather enjoyed it. Definetly liked the beginning. Potrayed Pollock in all his glory. Stumbling drunk, being carried up the stairs to his apartment by his brother, yelling 'Fuck Picasso! Fuck Picasso!'

Lots of stuff in the middle about Jacksons life, his alcohol attiction, his hint of insanity, his art, so forth. Quite interesting. Well potrayed. Didn't Lag.

Then comes the ending. I didn't like it. Pronably because I only had knowledge of Pollock's artistic life... The end was so damned abrupt. But maybe that's what makes the movie good i guess. They gave it the truth. That was Pollock's life.


Beginning AMAZING. Middle pretty well perfect. Ending a bit blahy. But the makers could choose where they began. Not were it ended. That was up to Pollock... Stupid Jackson Pollock... Stupid alchohol...

Final Destination 2

Same premise as the original "horror" flick. A bunch of people's lives are saved by one person's premonition, thoroughly pissing off death. Death isn't portrayed by a monster, but rather by a force that seems to send all potential death-inflicting objects, from rubber fish to kayaks, hurtling towards the heads of those who defied its list.

The story is stupid, but entertaining.

The script is laughably dumb. "When I die, can you clean up my crack, periphanalia, and my porn, you know, anything that would break my mother's heart."

The characters are simple, never showing more than one or two traits or emotions. You have the supposedly strong lead, the clever cop, the helpful bitch, the annoying bitch, the crazy mother, the smart ass kid, the token black guy, the crack head - all of whom are quite believable in their stereotypical roles.

If this movie were meant to be taken seriously, film critics would be throwing up. Then other film makers would follow their lead after realizing such a piece of cinematic trash can beat them where it counts - at the box office.

But it's not meant to be taken seriously, hence the quotations around horror in the opening paragraph. If you go with a date expecting her cower into you, you will be sadly mistaken. The only "scary" parts revolve around the imagery of the gruesomely well-depicted deaths. Gore is at a premium in this movie and is really the only redeeming feature. And it's just not the gore that makes you laugh. It's the impeccable timing of the gore.

At one point, a car airbag goes off, as accident cleanup crews try to rescue a woman from her car, driving her head into a jagged pipe that was already sticking through the back of her seat after the accident. This of course came right after she bitched to the crews to make less noise with their tools because she had a head ache.

With several of these intricate death sequences, I was laughing out loud for much of the movie while my girlfriend got annoyed with me for laughing at the brutality of these people's horrific deaths. I went into the movie expecting to be tickled and I was. There's something sadistically satisfying about seeing splattering smart-ass students.

I enjoy well made movies. Recently, I loved About Schmidt and appreciated Chicago, but on a Friday night, I need a short, fast-paced movie that is just plain entertaining. Final Destination 2 was it for me.

Die Another Day, who cares who directed it?

I must say that this is not only worse than any Moore Bond flick (which is debatable, still). I almost shot myself in the theater and was close to demanding a refund...although my friend paid for it.

i had high hopes, but there was so many puns and euphanisms, they didn't even make sense after a while.


"I suppose Mr. Bond has introduced you to his big BANG theory?"
"Oh, I think I got the THRUST of it"

They were just trying too hard. But seriously, this movie ruined my day and I'm sure it will reak havoc on the rest of my week.

Thanks a lot, Pierce Brosnan.

I give this movie a 2/100. Only because I felt like overexaggerating how bad it was, so I put it on a broader scale.

Anyone with more than a passing interest in movies?

Lee Tamahori

LB

8 Mile

I was very much looking forward to this film as i had heard some very good things about it. I wasn't disappointed, but it wasn't quite how i expected. I also didn't expect it to end where it did, i thought it would show eminem as more famous than where it ended. The only bad thing about the film was that some of the little bits that were added to give it depth seemed a bit random and dis-jointed from the actual body of the film. Also, the story wasn't as seamless as it could've been...to be honest it needed telling a little bit better.

Eminem however, i was impressed. very good acting. ...and Kim Basinger? *drool*

Great film, especially loved the emcee battles. Some very witty and funny lines from eminem. Proving that white can rap just as well, if not better than black.

ODB

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

I thought this movie was adorable. Funny, not so dumbed down that it's insulting, not completely predictable, and Matthew McConaughey. Meow, Matty's a hotty.
But I digress...
True, it's aimed at a female audience, but it wasn't as bad as most chick flicks (Sweet Home Alabama, anyone?). The guy that went with the group of girls I went with said it was good, but "don't tell the guys I said that."
To wrap up (because now I'm just rambling), it's a good movie, not intellectual at all, just funness. And a shirtless Matthew McConaughey!!!

I'm going to see 8 mile again tonight. I like to see good films twice, dunno why...

ODB