Narcisse - Volume I

I1 am2 unhappy3.

1 I am referring, of course to the metaphysical ‘I’, in the sense that I have been able, through painstaking study to reduce myself, in behavioural terms, to greater than the sum of my own three parts – id, ego and superego. Although I have been taught there is truly only one of me, my three constituent psychological components have banded together, like small mechanised robots to form one large machine. Hence, although I am able to lay claim to being in possession of a veritable ‘Mega-man’ psychological state, my deep-seated unhappiness is nonetheless still clearly discernible. This is in no small way directly attributable to the never-ending battle between my three psychosocial building blocks, in which my id and ego battle the superego for supremacy in times of woe, happiness and all between. Despite all of this, I manage to breathe life into a meaningless existence. I am my own god.

2 The potential for any state of being, and indeed the actual ‘being-ness’ of any being, is, I believe, self-defined. By proclaiming my ‘am-ness’, or ‘Am-Way’ if you will, I have declared my intentions on an existential front, thus cleansing my soul. It now sparkles like my eyes – the window to my souls. It also reeks of lemony freshness. There are no others like me, for I am singular – yet the inherent duplicity of that remark is belied by the triptych of thought as declared in footnote one. Perhaps to refer to my three selves in the third person, assuming the status of biblical warrior – My name is Legion, for we are many – should soothe the tension between my psyches. Still the consumption of space and time equates to the existence of only a singular entity. However, my ability to use my own psyche to imagine myself in several places at once assists in my quest for duality and beyond, despite all the best efforts of modern physicists to patiently explain to me that during the time I am observed talking to them, it is highly unlikely that I am in elsewhere at the same time. I maintain that I can, like the proverbial atom, be split. The resulting mental explosion leads only to feelings of abandonment, as if my constituent parts cease to feel empathy for each other and file for instantaneous and catastrophic divorce. However, my quest for happiness continues, as a battle fought on several fronts by several people, most of whom is me.

3 The overall happiness is clearly the crux of the argument. To whom am I comparing not only myself, but my many other selves, in order to ascertain my current mental state? Surely not the people that bellow through time that can’t hurt to smile, nor the proverbial Larry who haunts us all with his permanent cheerfulness and cherubic smirk. I doubt not that it is god himself that offers such happiness, and considering that my humanistic (and to a lesser extent Zoroastrian) tendencies ensure that I place myself firmly at the centre of the universe, it’s little wonder that my life is indeed a maelstrom. This smile you see before you is not really a toothy display of good humour – it is a rictus grin, more like a grimace, only less purple.

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