Dear Benjamin,

With regard to your correspondence of 21st July, we will be unable to publish your piece Why Are The Chimpanzees Laughing, Lord. If you browse previous issues of our high quality, ubiquitous middle class magazine, you will get a better understanding of the stylistic framework we prefer our authors to work within. Should you submit a piece for our consideration again, we request that you restrict yourself to those bounds.

Additionally, please refrain from referencing bestial man sex in any future submission. We in the middle class prefer flowers and gently rolling hills.

Yours sincerely,

Patricia D. Frankworthy
Landscaped Gardens and Small Pointy Noses Magazine

*****

Yo, "Benjamin"!

Your big fancy name doesn't impress us, you creep. And neither does your writing. You're not edgy, you're not a member of the new media Web digirati, you're not big and goddamn it you're not clever. Never insult us again with your flat prose and unsharp witticisms, fuckboy.

Are you Ben Brown? Are you Dave Eggers? Well ARE YOU? Answer me, bitch. And you'd better be saying "yes", or my ears aren't listening, y'hear?

Talk to me again and I'll eat your brains,

Lance Gandhi
Tyranny! Magazine

*****

Dear Ben,

We're flattered that you took the time out to submit a poem for our little pamphlet. In fact, we're so pleased that we took the time to pick this daisy and send it to you. Smell the daisy. It smells like the love we have for you.

However, I really regret that we must politely decline your delightful metaphors and beautiful, sweeping stanzas. They make our hearts ache with joy, but we sadly have no room in our petit paquet de lumière du soleil for a piece about the savoureusement mangeant of one's fèces.

Peace through beauty - we're your brothers and sisters now!

Hal Narwhal
The Sweet Perfume Reader

*****

Mr. Benjamin,

America thanks you for submitting to our publication. The people thank you; the President thanks you; the editor thanks you. As a Patriot you will live forever in the Kingdom of God.

However, we cannot accept your piece Bejeezus! for the reasons of lack of space. Should we have room in the future for a postmodern look at the events of September 11th through the eyes of a young red squirrel strung out on heroin, we will ask you first.

God be with you,

Michael Hazendetzter
The Bulletin for Conservative America

P.S. Is that a Jewish name?

*****

Dear Mr. Benjamin,

Thanks for submitting your article. Sadly, we're unable to accept it; largely this is because we're perfectionist control freaks.

Try submitting to Uber.

Regards,

Benjamin
Rum and Monkey