Okay, so like, times are hard and I've just woken up and it's been a long week. But I know I've got to file an article today. Somehow I've got to be funny or interesting, or at the very least there, present on the page for you people to read.
This is sad. I could write another little venemous I'm-full-of-snot cartoon, but I think eventually there might be some kind of violent backlash, possibly with guns and tanks.
My sister - Hannah - lives with me. That's not very exciting. But sometimes, she gets up on stages with guitars and sings at people. Sometimes, she paints pictures of beautiful landscapes or abstract dancers. Sometimes, she writes and breathes and lives. These are all more exciting, and she'll be launching her very own Web site about her music kind of soon, so I figure I'll interview her. Then, I hope, there won't be any kind of painful guerilla warfare type mutiny.
BEN: I'm going to interview you, Hanjabanja. [I call her Hanjabanja. I don't know why. Do you know why? No, you do not. Shush.]
H: Oh, okay.
B: What are you doing?
H: I'm reading a book all about drawing water.
B: That's exciting.
H: Yeah. [Pause] Benny, I don't think you should interview me. I'm not very exciting.
B: Sure you are. [A lengthy gap while I try to think of a decent question] If you could tell the world one thing, what would you tell it?
H: Oh for goodness sake! Stop taking everything so seriously! We should help other people be happy!
B: That's lovely, Hanjabanja.
H: Thankoo. Now what?
B: [I fail to think of a decent question. Instead, I grab both of her big toes - she's barefoot - and bash them together rhythmically. Finally:] I see you have froggy eyes on your bed. What do they mean to you?
H: I bought them in LA and I thought they were very cool and the company that makes them is called Great Pretend-Ears. And the receipt said 'frog eyes'. [She giggles. Perhaps madly?]
B: So, you live in Edinburgh. Have you seen Trainspotting? What do you think of it?
H: I think it's a good film. It had a baby crawling along the ceiling. A dead baby! Okay, Benny, I have a joke for you. About dead babies. [A pause] How do you make a dead baby float?
B: I don't know.
H: Add two scoops of dead baby to a glass of Coke.
B: If you could have one amazing ability, what would it be?
H: To fly.
B: Not to be all bendy and stretchy?
B: Which do you prefer - kiwi fruit, or kiwi the bird?
H: Well. I think the fruit have the advantage, because fruit flies and the kiwi bird cannot. But the kiwi bird is cool. And the egg is huge, and the male goes orree orree orree orree. [A pause] I want to make pancakes.
B: If you could be a pudding, which would you be?
H: I think it would be sago pudding. Because it's like tapioca pudding, and it's all sort of frogspawny in texture, but it's more obscure. But I like semolina pudding a lot.
B: I should take a shower.
H: Yeah. Then we could make pancakes.
H: You need to be more prepared. You'll never interview Bill Gates like this.
B: What makes you think I want to interview him?
H: 'Cause he's really rich and stuff and might give you money.
B: He probably wouldn't. I think he's really mean.
H: I thought he gave some like phenomenal amount of money to charity.
B: Yeah, but then he gets it deducted from his monumental tax bill.
H: Oh. What a bastard!
H: Look Benny. I have a wooden plane.
B: It's all bendy and stretchy.
H: No it's not. It's like those snakes you used to be able to get where you'd hold the tail and the head would wobble and stuff.
B: [Plays with it] Oh, it doesn't stretch. It comes apart though.
H: Maybe today I'll paint!
B: You sell your paintings, don't you?