News Roundup: Juny 2002

US AND UK POLICE have issued public statements warning against bogus months. In recent years, a sharp rise in the numbers of fake months such as the infamous Octember Scandal of 1999 has highlighted the vulnerability of modern calendars. Another high-profile case in Russia involved the discovery of eight false Augusts hiding in early May. "We had thought it was unseasonably warm," admitted Vladimir Putin at the time, "but we put it down to the warm glow of capitalism." Meanwhile, President George W. Bush has told a press conference that month-faking would henceforth be classed as terrorism, an offence punishable by annexation and slight genocide. A spokesman for Rum and Monkey earlier expressed concern at the news, but reassured the site's regulars that they were quite safe from bogus month infiltration, especially in article titles. * * * WHILE EFFORTS TO rescue the nine miners trapped in a Pennsylvanian mine continue apace, international interest is growing quickly. The Ukrainian and Chinese delegations of mining consultants have been politely dismissed for "failing to see a problem" with the accident, almost causing a difficult diplomatic incident. Meanwhile, the British Coal Board has offered 120,000 of its own miners on permanent loan to take the place of the men trapped at the bottom of the shaft. An unofficial spokesman for the BCB denied that they would be "happy to see the back of the whingeing buggers", before leaving in a Yorkshireman-drawn carriage. * * * CHARITY, CHASTITY AND goodwill to all men are amongst the 'virtues' found to be sins in the latest paper published by a cross-disciplinary panel of angels. The Pope later issued a statement saying "Bugger." * * * AFTER ALLEGATIONS claiming evidence of corruption at the highest levels of several US corporate watchdog bodies were found to be true, a genuine watchdog has been appointed to guard against similar incidents. Initially successful, the watchdog, Boris, quietly consumed several Enron executives engaged in nefarious activities, saving $1.2bn in federal legal fees at the cost of $25.50 in Pedigree Chum and dog biscuits. However, problems were not long in surfacing. Controversy ensued when Arthur Andersen accountants repeatedly filed single-page tax returns accusing the watchdog of having eaten their paperwork. After some talk of having Boris put down, President Bush intervened, declared the accountants "terrorists", had them put down in the dog's stead and retired to the Oval office to continue his GCSE Geography course. * * * A CURE FOR CANCER has been discovered at Entwhistle Laboratories in Kent. Researchers expect to have cured Capricorn and Aquarius by Christmas. * * * RUSSIA HAS CONQUERED Mongolia in a brief struggle yesterday afternoon. "We didn't notice that bit before," said the Commander-in-Chief, Vassiliy Ilyich Petrov. "Might as well have it. I'm sure it'll be useful for something." Meanwhile, further south, Chinese nuclear tests at Lop Nur have been called off after 25,618 detonations in 25 years. "We're pretty sure it works now," agreed a delegation of scientists involved in the tests. "However, we are not yet entirely sure that nuclear devices work on nearby islands beginning with the letter T. Further tests will have to be carried out in such a situation once a suitable location has been found." * * * FAMINE IN ERITREA is causing the country to become noticeably thinner, claim UN officials in the area. Published figures and satellite photographs dating back to the 1970s show that the country has become slimmer by approximately 4 miles each year. Emergency aid plans proposed by Lancashire County Council, involving the delivery of an enormous pie to the region, were shelved when the county's meat supplies went on strike in protest against rising vegetarianism. * * * DAVID BLUNKETT HAS been appointed a fully-accredited Football Association referee. Supporters' groups are reported to be "unsurprised" by the decision. * * * REPORTS THAT ARTICLE writers on the internet often run out of ideas have been rubbished by, oh, I don't know, a big goat or something.

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