So, yeah. Hi. Welcome to Rum and Monkey. Or, if this isn't your first time, thanks for sticking with us. We appreciate it. I mean, we'd appreciate it more if we got some kind of money or fame out of this, but you know. It's nice to find friends. Or, in the event that none of you are our friends, it's nice to have people who know our names.

Or something.

Anyway, look, here's the beef. We're tired. We're ill. Frankly, we're dying. Not in the physical shit-I've-got-angina kind of way, but in a deeper, metaphorical sense. We had it, and whatever it was, it's lost - maybe temporarily, maybe for good. On our first day we had three articles up, and now we're lucky to get one a week. Is that biting satire on the bleeding edge of society? No, my dears, it is not, and frankly, that's just not good enough.

So here, ultimately, is the cow. Would you like to get your words shoved brightly atop our many splendoured mountain? Gain the respect and admiration of your friends, your lovers, your teachers by placing your hard-typed words before our myriad eyes?

Yes, you do. I am your pimp, and you will obey.

Submit, my pretties, submit. If it's textual, if it's blistering with boistrous originality, or even if it's like all the other articles, we want to see it. And perhaps - although be warned, we will turn most of you away - we will take your sniggering prose and make it big, and with it, you. A duality of bigness.

But how, I hear your pretty little lips whisper, do I go about doing such a thing? And the answer is simple: you just do. But, like everything, there are rules.
  • It must be text only. No pictures, no fancy smidgens of HTML nuttymadness. Words.
  • We will turn most of you away. I'm sorry, but that's the way it is. It really isn't anything personal; it just means you can't write nearly as well as us.
  • You can write about anything you like. Nothing that will have us hanged like wretched fools though. And we reserve the right to edit what you've written for spelling, grammar or shitness.
  • No pay. Zero moolah. Nada geld. Keine ka-ching. We do it for the love, baby, and so should you.
  • You retain the right to publish what you've written elsewhere, but we can keep showing it as part of Rum and Monkey or related works.
  • Submissions should be at least 400 words; that's the length of a page and then a bit more; it makes the site look fat. We like fat web.
  • No slash fiction. We've read the one about Xander and Spike's rabid moment of love, and frankly it makes us want to rip things.
Me? Why, I'm going to continue sitting here, drawing pigs.