News Roundup: April 2002

A NEW YORK choirboy has been arrested for sexually abusing an ageing Roman Catholic priest. The boy, who has not been named by police, was taken into custody late on Monday night and has been in consultation with his lawyers since that time. "It was terrible," sobbed a distraught Father Monteverde earlier today. "It started after choir practice one night when he and two other boys started touching me. It escalated from there." But the unnamed boy was the ringleader, he told reporters at a press conference. "Soon he was touching me every night. But the final straw came when he started assualting me on my crotch and hands with his rosy, pert buttocks. I couldn't take it anymore so I went to the police." Several other priests are expected to come forward once the case comes to court. * * * THE HENRY Kissinger "Penisesgate" controversy continues to rage in Washington DC with the discovery of three condoms sewn together in a brothel near his office. "This gives the whole sordid affair more credibility," stated Stetson Moncrieff, Professor of Sexual Studies at the University of Virginia. "Although I would never suggest that such a fine, upstanding individual as Dr.Kissinger would visit such an establishment, no matter how convenient it would be for him to visit it from work at lunchtimes, generally between half past one and two." Police Forensics squads are dusting the area for fingerprits and absolutely nothing else. In similar news, David Blunkett has quelled widespread speculation by admitting that his "eyes" are, in fact, testicles. Pressure is now mounting on Mr.Blunkett to admit that he is an arse. * * * COLIN POWELL has relaxed the pace of his tour of the Middle East. He is now expected to arrive in war-torn Jerusalem at some point in mid-2252. In an official statement yesterday, Powell's aides denied that he was timing his peace-keeping visit to coincide with an Israeli victory, although they refused to rule out the possibility of truth in Israeli speculation that the Palestinians probably have sex with young babies and the deformed offspring of filthy dogs. * * * WORTHWHILE NEWS articles may be on the decline, a new report from the Ministry of Events suggests. Around the world, say the panel of journalists and scientists appointed to produce the paper, papers and current affairs programmes are running out of material and are having to resort to repeating items in the hope that the public will not notice. The panel expressed concern over the findings, although they commended figures such as Ian Paisley and Ariel Sharon for attempting to reverse the trend towards world peace and general boredom. * * * ICELAND HAS melted. Fishing vessels from Scrabster and Bergen reported rather more fishing grounds than previously thought in the North Atlantic, and settlements on the eastern coast of Greenland have been swamped by large waves. Björk is said to be "pissed off". * * * THE POPE'S TOUR of Antarctica has been cut short after an embarrassing revelation that came to light on Tuesday. His plan to pay a morale-boosting visit to the nuns of Queen Maud Land fell through after an aide pointed out that the nuns, famous in Vatican circles for their spartan diet and strict exercise regime of forced marches and daily swims, were, in fact, penguins. His Holiness will instead visit the reclusive Bamboo-Eating Sisters of inland China. * * * A POPULAR BRAND of iced biscuits has had to be withdrawn after a mislabelling fiasco at the makers' Detroit plant. When inspected by quality control supervisors, the "Sugar Cakes" packets turned out to contain fully operational Challenger main battle tanks. Parents' groups have expressed concern over the mistake, following on as it does from the furore last month over firms of lawyers being found inside cans of Pepsi. * * * WORTHWHILE NEWS articles may be on the decline, a new report from the Ministry of Events suggests. Around the world, say the panel of journalists and scientists appointed to produce the study, papers and current affairs programmes are running out of material and are having to resort to repeating items in the hope that the public will not notice. The panel expressed concern over the findings, although they commended figures such as Ian Paisley and Ariel Sharon for attempting to reverse the trend towards world peace and general boredom. * * * A LEADING BURGER chain have counter-sued a Wisconsin man who complained at the presence of meat in a meal he claims he had been led to believe was vegetarian. When Marvin Slartings ordered the "Vegan Vegetable Burger Vegan Meal", he did not expect to be served a dish containing animal products. However, a spokesman for the chain expressed "surprise" at this assumption, stating that the chain at no point said that the dish was, in fact, vegetarian, and that the green "V" symbol beside the dish on the menu meant "very good". Upon analysis, the meal was found to consist of seventeen pounds of rare sirloin steak. * * * SAUDI ARABIA HAS been found to be "fucking enormous" in a report by the Royal Geographical Society. Earlier observations had cautiously suggested that the country might be "quite big, actually" but the full scale of the area was not grasped until now. "It's just fucking huge," said Normley Brandygast, President of the Society, in an interview with the Times yesterday. "I mean, Christ. It's got all that desert and everything. Shit!" National Geographic magazine is now considering organising an expedition to explore unconfirmed rumours that China is "bloody vast". * * * A GLASGOW MAN has been found guilty of loitering without malicious intent. He will be sentenced next month. * * * POLICE IN FLORIDA have discovered that the "drugs problem" is a myth. "It's sherbert. It's all sherbert. I'm sorry," confessed a shame-faced officer, holding up a bag of white powder after a raid on an honest, hardworking Colombian businessman's company.

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