News Roundup: February 2006

BIRD FLU reached new heights, reminiscent in their rampancy of the likes of Casanova at his peak, today. Following a case in a suspected duck in Szechuan, the world's supply of small chickens has been removed, and all geese are no more. Iran's use of tactical nuclear weapons on a series of eggs on islands in the Persian Gulf has brought praise from the international community. Talk of their welcome back into the international fold is now widely regarded as all right. In related news, British and American forces have been diverted from Iraq in pursuit of suspected Owl Qaeda operatives. In unrelated news, Inverness Caledonian Thistle 2-1 Forfar (aet). The ball was sent off just before half-time. * * * BIRD FLU INTO a window aha ha ha DELETE BEFORE PUBLICATION thanks - Ed. * * * VIOLENT SCENES RAGED across Denmark when a minor regional newspaper published a series of cartoons not depicting Muhammad. The Danish President, whose name you do not need to know, cut short his holiday in another, different, Denmark to issue an official statement condemning the drawings. Several leading radical figures have agreed to withdraw their outstanding fatwas on various kinds of insipid soft cheese. * * * SILVIO BERLUSCONI'S CORRUPTION investigations no I can't even finish this one in jest. * * * GOOGLE HAVE CONTROVERSIALLY acceded to demands for users' personal information from South Oxfordshire District Council. The internet search and universal life control giant released a statement blaming tough sanctions, believed to include potential fines of up to £25 (£12.50 if paid within 14 days). US Vice President Dick Cheney, who is currently in South Oxfordshire to discuss a possible military alliance and is still not dead, has criticised the move. A Google spokesbod responded by releasing the hounds. * * * THE WINTER OLYMPICS are underway. The latest results are agreeable. * * * FINANCIAL MARKETS: FTSE has doubled, leading to predictions of FEETSE; Dow Jones up 8.5, down 9.5 again, left about a third; NIKKEI fell a record umpteen.4 points in a single instant, amid speculation about the future of time itself; bond markets rose .007; securities stayed, as ever, reassuringly constant - good old securities; and lastly, the only share on the Nepalese stock exchange was traded for a ninth of a goat. Otherwise, 6. * * * AND THAT'S IT! Nothing else happened in February. Nothing is also predicted for April, June and September. Scientists believe the lack of an extra day in these months precludes any real activity. Nothing. Nothing. Go back to your homes.

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