So you’ve hired a Fundy

If you’re reading this pamphlet, you’ve got a problem – you’ve hired a Fundy.

It’s an understandable mistake to make. Christian Fundamentalists often present themselves quite well at any sort of interview process, and it’s only the littlest of things that give them away that early in the working relationship.

There’s no need to be ashamed of your mistake. We recognise that it’s getting harder and harder to tell them from normal people. The bible-sized lump in their clothing that was once the giveaway is gone – many of them choosing to carry their bibles upon their i-pod, with the gruesome noise of Charlton Heston or the whining of former child-star turned evangelist Kirk Cameron whispering in their ears, saving their souls through the passive absorption of the Scriptures.

However, once they’re in, they’re in for a long time. Harder to shift than limpets or landmines, Fundies can hang around your office and, given half a chance, bring the entire workplace to a standstill – all in the name of God.

How do I know someone’s a Fundy?

It’s a good question – with a number of answers. Firstly, they’ll have a look in their eyes, a gleam of fervour. They’ll call it the ‘look of salvation’, but we’re pretty sure it’s that special kind of madness that comes with being brainwashed, and/or suffering through tertiary stage syphilis.

Secondly, they’ll preach. Loud and long. To anything and everything they can see. If you catch an employee bugging a workmate about their ‘wicked and sinful ways’, scrawling ‘WWJD?’ on the bathroom wall or talking to the watercooler about how it would be great if Jesus walked across the top of it, then chances are you’ve got one.

The ultimate litmus test is to simply provoke people and gauge their reactions – walk out of your office, look someone firmly in the eye and say “I had an abortion this morning and I feel GREAT!

You’re likely to get one of three responses to this. If they offer you a cup of tea and a lift home, it’s odds-on they’re no Fundy. If they acknowledge your statement, ask you where the procedure was performed and sneak out quietly at lunchtime carrying a high-powered rifle, you’ll need to watch them closely. If they stab you in the neck with a crucifix, you may need to get rid of them post-haste.

The problems with Fundies

If you’re the kind of employer who prides themselves on having a fun and productive workplace, then it’s crisis time. Fundies, in all of their various forms, are pretty much guaranteed to suck the fun, and eventually the life, out of any office environment. Rude jokes, occasional outbursts of profanity and even – in some extreme cases – any office equipment that runs on electricity will need to be excised from the workplace. A recent example is that of an internet start-up that was crippled when the Human Resources Manager accidentally hired an Amish man. Many millions of dollars were lost that day. It is, indeed, a sad tale.

There’s also the problem of potential conversions within the ranks of your staff. It might start as something small, like a prayer book on everyone’s desk, or the emailing of pictures of Jesus to all staff, which you could choose to ignore. But do so at your peril, because it’s a slippery slope – once they realise that they can get away with the little things, there’s no stopping them.

What can you do?

The sad truth is that there’s not much you can do at all. Religious freedoms are protected in most developed nations around the world, and even constitutionally enshrined by some of the more forward-thinking (yet intolerant) countries.

Counselling is one option – having a little one-on-one time with the Fundy in your office can prove effective. A little talking to, a gentle suggestion that Satan Himself owns the company they’re now working for or even a couple of thinly-veiled threats or well-placed punches should suffice.

But by far the easiest way to get rid of a Fundy is by introducing tithing to the payroll system. Not only will this bankrupt them, as they’re probably already tithing to about nine different churches, but you’ll get seriously rich if there’s an established Fundy population in the workplace. A large enough company could net you approximately $19,000 a week in extra income, which is protected by taxation laws in most countries so there’s no need to even declare it.

Another option is to hand out free tickets to visit what’s left of Jimmy and Tammy-Faye Bakker’s Heritage USA theme park. Simply bus your Fundies to any local abandoned industrial estate, and turn them loose. The likelihood of an ‘accident’ with the crumbling buildings is very high...

If that doesn’t work, then read them this prepared statement:

Dear Fundy,

It is the decision of the Board of Directors that your employment with this company is terminated, just like a little tiny foetus, effective immediately. This is due in no small part to your intolerable actions in the workplace, which include but are not limited to:

1. Incessant jabbering about your “Lord and Master Jesus Christ Heaven Have Mercy on Their Unclean Heathen Souls”, or whatever his name is.

2. Your inability to recognise the inherent flaws in your belief system, in which you applaud the killing of others on one hand and then claim that it’s an entirely unjustifiable action on the other.

3. Claiming sick-days because a distant Italian relative has been fed to a lion.

We have taken the liberty of stuffing everything you own from the office into the furnace in the basement, just to see how you’d react to the idea of your things ‘Burning in Hell for all eternity”, as you’ve suggested many times that your co-workers will do. You’re welcome to try and retrieve them.”

Of course, they’ll be a little upset, and at this stage become a tad unpredictable, but it’s nothing a bullet-proof vest (they like to keep guns) and a hard hat (those Bibles make an awful thump when you’re hit with them) won’t fix.

We trust that you’ve found this pamphlet useful, and we encourage you to share it with your friends. You will find other pamphlets on the following topics at the same place you found this one.

What Would Jesus Do? He’d fire them too!
The Romans had the right idea – feeding your Fundy to a carnivore.
Fundies, Food and Ferric Acid – The Devil’s Brew in the vending machine.

What do you think, did we get it right? Comment here...