Waitressing

In the wake of the September 11th attacks on the world trade centre, waitressing seemed like the obvious next move. There were three options in bin Laden’s locale: the Battenburg Café, a dirty spoon down on Montague; Filipé, a more upmarket Italian coffee and ludicrous sandwich emporium; and Rita’s, the local Mexican joint.

Osama tried them all, and for a while was successfully waiting tables at Rita’s. Unfortunately Rita, the proprietor (herself from Queens, so her and bin Laden had something in common), had to eventually let him go because he kept trying to bring fiery death to the table.

Pizza sign guy

Hayak’s Pizza on Monument Ave were looking for someone to stand at street corners with a sign and twirl it for hours on end in the hot summer heat. Fresh from his failure at Rita’s, bin Laden decided to give it a go. His rocking moves lured in a few extra punters, and thanks to training with the Mujahadeen he was used to the heat, but in the end he decided it was an immoral extension of an imperialist regime that was populated with impudent dogs doomed to a turgid fate at the hands of Allah.

National Guardsman

Enticed by the polite letter, not to mention the promised free DVD and T-shirt, bin Laden decided to phone 1-800-GO-GUARD and see if he could join the National Guard. It seemed like a good idea; money, respect, a sharp uniform, the opportunity to go to Iraq and quietly promote the insurgency.

He remembered that although criminals can join the Guard, wanted international terrorists aren’t eligible. He sighed quietly to himself and went to KFC instead, where he sat for hours twirling his bling under the harsh fluorescent lights.

Ronald McDonald

Until it became clear that it would take years to get the stench of fries out of his hair, Osama bin Laden found himself hired by the McDonald’s Corporation to go from restaurant to restaurant pretending to be their clowny mascot Ronald McDonald. It was a good gig; the kids didn’t seem to mind the beard, and he got all the Big Macs and Coca Cola he could consume. Nobody suspected that those benign American corporations had become involved with terrorists! And the shoes were cool.

Telemarketer

Now that he reeked permanently of vegetable oil and illicit beef additives, Osama needed to find gainful employment out of the public spotlight. It was at this point, while walking down Luger with a well-earned falafel, that he spotted the advert asking for new salespeople. The company seemed very friendly and the manager was keen to hire him straight away; the very next day he turned up and was sat at a telemarketing station, ready to sell people loans. Unfortunately, he never got past “hello, my name is Osama bin Laden,” and after a week he was fired for missing quotas.

Supermarket bagger

Reeking of oil and shame, bin Laden roamed the streets for weeks looking for a new place to work. His money situation was going from bad to worse – all those millions were frittered quite literally on fritters long ago, although he had since admitted he had a problem and established a rigid diet regimen – and a new job was fast becoming a matter of life and death. It was while buying falafel at the local Stop And Shop that he noticed the sign: bagger required.

For over a year, Osama bin Laden stood at the end of supermarket checkouts and bagged peoples’ groceries. He would ask the elderly if they wanted him to bring their bags out to the car, and sometimes they said yes. Occasionally they would slip him a dollar as a tip; he would go home at night and slip these extra gifts into a Folgers can, saving up for a spectacular terrorist attack on a decadent western civilisation. Then he would watch Jeopardy.

Jazz musician

While he worked long hours at the Stop And Shop, bin Laden developed an interest in skiffle. He would spend what little disposable income he had on washboards and Lonnie Donegan CDs, playing along until the small hours of the morning. It was fortuitous, therefore, that famed music producer David Geffen bought a washboard at Stop And Shop one morning, and had his bags packed by Osama. Realising his chance, Osama quickly seized the board and began to play a selection of Lonnie Donegan hits; other baggers in the supermarket joined in, using spaghetti and beer as makeshift instruments, in order to influence the hitmaker’s decision.

Osama’s first album, Watch Out, New York, It’s Osama, will be released this fall. Critics are already raving.