The Letters Of Lackwell Piddletrenthide

DEAR SIR, In yesterday's edition of the Okeford Gazette I was shocked to learn of my own death (obituary, p.43). While one does not seek to cast aspersions on the accuracy of your paper's reportage, one does feel that one might have been informed. As a result of this oversight I have been mistakenly given a clean bill of health by our local doctor, who I shall now have to have soundly whipped. I remain, sir, your obedient servant, LACKWELL PIDDLETRENTHIDE * * * DEAR SIR, I have been with your bank for over ten years, sixty-five to be precise, and never in all this time have I had service the like of which I received today. I have become accustomed to a laudable degree of mediocrity and an offhand treatment of which I have become fond to an almost sexual degree. It came as a great shock, then, akin to being "haddocked" in the Old Etonian fashion, to be served with alacrity and respect by a young and intelligent member of your staff. I must insist that this behaviour be supressed and the individual, whose name (I was able to ascertain from her name-badge) was Miss Customer Service-Advisor, hanged. I remain, etc. LACKWELL PIDDLETRENTHIDE * * * DEAR SIR, It has been my pleasure to entertain the members of our club on an annual basis with my recollections on the war. It is with great regret, then, that I must inform you of my intention to stop delivering these "little talks". This is because I can no longer recall a single detail of last week, let alone this "war" one hears so much about. I shall spend my "retirement" with my family, if I turn out to have one, on which point there remains some uncertainty, searching at my leisure for my trousers, which have been lost upon the moors these past four weeks. I remain, etc. LACKWELL PIDDLETRENTHIDE * * * DEAR SIRS, I notice with some dismay that my policy of reasonable objection to your activities has proved fruitless. My frequent open letters to the Okeford Gazette have likewise come to no avail. I consider myself to have been only too accommodating, and it comes as a grave disappointment to encounter your continuing refusal to desist from the matters at hand, in which you have now been engaged continuously for a total of some weeks. Therefore I must put it bluntly, sirs: stop jumping up and down on my dog or I'll rip your bloody arms off. I complain, etc. LACKWELL PIDDLETRENTHIDE * * * DEAR MADAM, As I write this I am engaged in observation of my immediate environs from my bedroom, and I cannot help but notice that you are clearly visible to me in a state of undress. This is frightful behaviour and unacceptable in a prestigious residential neighbourhood such as this. I remain, etc. LACKWELL PIDDLETRENTHIDE * * * DEAR MADAM, Upon further inspection I have ascertained that you are in fact my wife and situated in the same room as I. I must therefore ask you to disregard my previous letter. I remain, etc. LACKWELL PIDDLETRENTHIDE * * * DEAR MADAM, With regard to your recent letter, I must reiterate my point in our conversation today that I do not consider it an inappropriate thing for a gentleman of standing in the community to address his wife through the civilised medium of the written word and Her Majesty's postal service. Furthermore, I would ask you again to cease beating me over the head with the frying-pan; I am in some pain. LACKWELL PIDDLETRENTHIDE * * * DEAR SIR, Upon investigation of certain items recently published in the Okeford Gazette, and sundry comments passed upon my appearance by a number of acquaintances and colleagues, it has been brought to my attention that I have in fact died, probably during the unseasonal poor weather last March. I would be very grateful, then, if you could furnish me with a simple burial in a suitable plot of land, facing south if at all possible. Additionally, I would like my wife to be buried alongside me. In your advertising literature I note no requirement for her also to be dead. I would appreciate clarification on this point, as she is in rude health and unlikely to follow my lead for some years to come, and I would prefer not to have to wait for such tedious biological necessities to come into force. If telephoning, my wife may raise one or two objections to this plan. I urge you to disregard these; it is just her way with such things. My remains, etc. LACKWELL PIDDLETRENTHIDE * * * DEAR MR. PIDDLETRENTHIDE, Having read avidly your letters in the Okeford Gazette for some time, I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate you on a well-founded and morally sound set of opinions, and express my hope that such communiqués shall continue for a long time to come. In short, sir, you are a gentleman. I remain, etc. LACKWELL PIDDLETRENTHIDE

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