The Generic Cinema

Greeting (TM), and welcome to the Generic Cinema.

Our aim is to show audiences items of entertainment. You will be entertained. Non-entertained audience members may be recycled as popcorn. You are the Customer and are Our Number One Priority.

Our main feature tonight is that we are open. This is a new initiative from our Management, whose Number One Priority is Your Entertainment as you are the Customer. Previous initiatives, such as hiding the Generic Cinema in the jungles of the deep Amazon, have resulted in levels of audience entertainment below 0.5 international entertainment units, which is unacceptable. Therefore we are open. You, as the Customer, can now enter the Generic Cinema. You, as the Customer, are our focus.

On the left as you enter you will see popcorn. You must buy popcorn.

On the left of the left as you enter you will see a panel of mortgage advisors, who will help you make the financial decisions necessary to afford the popcorn.

You must buy popcorn.

On the right as you enter you will see the toilets. The toilets have been our most popular feature for over forty years. Our experience and market research shows that Customers like toilets. Therefore we have striven to provide adequate toilet provision. The toilet block extends over four acres. Guided tours are available, if somewhat strange.

The Generic Cinema is proud to present films. Films are what the Customer wants, after toilets and popcorn. You are already entertained.

You must buy popcorn.

The Generic Cinema is proud to present the following films.


(* - delete as appropriate)

Starring: Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel, Woman
Directed by: largely irrelevant
US 2003 (90 minutes and not a second more)

The action opens with a government agent, or an ordinary man, possibly a hard-bitten maverick cop, performing such actions as might normally be carried out by such a man as the above.

Then, a nearby object explodes. This is the dastardly doing of either:

a) an aristocratic Englishman;
b) an unaristocratic Englishman who might as well be aristocratic for all the audience knows, e.g. Alan Rickman;
c) an Arab (subject to political climate).

Nearby objects will explode at regular intervals throughout the film.

Vin Diesel plays every non-Anglo-Arab male role, and will combat this evildoing through the medium of interpretive extreme sports.

CGI has been arranged for five minutes past seven. Highlights include another eight Vin Diesels performing extreme sports, and a nearby object exploding.

The Love Interest is played by Woman. You will be entertained, and probably aroused in an empty sort of way.

The Ending will involve all of the above to the point of tedium. By tedium we mean Entertainment. Also involved will be a national distaster, possibly a plane crash or a volcano, which will be averted by Vin Diesel performing extreme sports through a sheet of plate glass.

You will reach minimum EU standards of entertainment by the end of this film. You are the Customer.


There is no need for "other films".

As the Customer, you are now entertained. Please leave the building. On your way out you will be issued with a selection of approved movie criticisms, which you may utter at your discretion on your way out. These include "much better than the first one (TM)", "I loved the bit where the character performed the action", "cool explosions" and "I must buy popcorn".

A number of Teenagers have been supplied by the Management and will provide statutory mugging services on your way home.

You must buy popcorn.

Have an entertaining day.

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