Dear Sir

Dear sir, I apologise for being unable to come into work today. This is because I have adopted a worst-case scenario outlook for all everyday situations. Please send all future mail to the cupboard under the stairs, at my usual address. Dear sir, I apologise for being unable to come into work today. This is because I have contracted lycanthropy. Please expect work to be completed as per usual for three weeks in every four, and bloodsoaked vengeance from the fiery end of hell for the remainder of the time. Dear sir, I apologise for being unable to come into work today. This is because I have contracted a severe case of continents. I shall return on monday, assuming tectonic drift does not interfere with my commute. Please expect some gravitational disturbances around the office for the coming few months. Dear sir, I apologise for being unable to come into work today. It's the wife, you know. Dear sir, I apologise for being unable to come into work today. I have transcended to a higher plane of consciousness. However, I will still require regular coffee breaks as usual when I return. Dear minion, I do not apologise for being unable to come into work today. This is because I own this company. Complaints will be met with P45 forms. Pleb. Dear sir, I apologise for being able to come into work today. I take it from my recent performance review that this is an unacceptable state of affairs and detrimental to the good working atmosphere in our office. In future I will endeavour to remain at home as much as possible, in order to help the company operate successfully. I would like to take this opportunity to request a pay rise to assist me in this difficult task. Dear sir, I apologise for being unable to come into work today. This is because I am in the process of being digitised. This will take approximately two weeks. Upon my return, you will notice that I will be able to do a wider range of work and have a clearer voice. You will also now be able to interact with me on a limited basis. There will be a small additional charge for this improved service. Dear sir, I apologise for being unable to come into work today. As a temporary replacement I will send in a small beard. Dear sir, I apologise for being unable to come into work today. I have suffered a slight gardening accident. I had intended to come into work regardless, but my doctor considers that, as I now consist solely of an eyeball and a fragment of my left knee, this would be inadvisable. I hope to return tomorrow. Dear sir, I apologise for being unable to come into work today. I have been inadvertently selected for the Cabinet. I shall return to work at some point next year, probably as Chairman. Dear sir, I apologise for being unable to come into work today. I have had a rectal prolapse. Please find pictoral evidence enclosed. Dear sir, I apologise for being unable to come into work today. I have mistakenly boarded the Orient Express. Please forward all mail to Beijing. ******************* Dear employee, Thank you for your note explaining your absence today. Please do not worry about your job. We have a girl coming in for half an hour every fortnight to do it.

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