Living out the British dream on British TV

Jim, I’ve got to tell you, nothing is quite as flavorful as mom’s home cooking. You can go to any restaurant, any bistro or any hometown café and the food will be good, but really it all comes down to mum. That’s why we’ve created this amazing Automated Spotted Dick Machine. Yes, that’s right! No more farting about, getting your hands dirty making spotted dick – you just pop all your ingredients in this end, press this little button, and hey presto! Spotted Dick! And for a short time only, you can buy this amazing machine for just 20 quid, and we’ll throw in the Incredible Fat Free Toad In The Hole Stodgemaster for absolutely no more money. Amaze your friends by… …showing up nude at the Palace. The Queen was visibly shaken by the intruder’s remarks about the state of Her bedroom. We spoke to Sir Sterling Silver, head of the Royal Guards, earlier today. “We are unhappy about finding yet another naked man in the Queen’s bedroom. Her Majesty assures us she doesn’t know the man, who has – at the Queen’s request – been sent somewhere nice and sunny for psychiatric assessment. She is believed to be resting herself, somewhere near… …Quirksome Abbey, which is home to an alarming number of stoats. These fascinating creatures, with their cute little whiskers, have been known to dance uncontrollably, and until now, no one knew why. That is until I, Sir Richard Attenborough, managed to get close enough to observe these creatures first hand, over a period of nineteen years. Our secret cameras… …are all busted up. Seriously, it’s all gone pear-shaped, lads. I was all set to hit the frog and toad, when all of a sudden my plates of meat just froze up, and I was fallin down. I couldn’t bloody well believe it, mate! Standin’ there, right in front of me, is Johnny! And he’s got a shooter! Johnny’s got a shooter! And it’s pointed at me head! Bloody Hell! I coulda done wiv a pint or two right then, let me tell you… …that it’s over, Ian. I’m moving in with Doris – she’ll look after me and Stevie, like you promised to but wouldn’t. I know – Coronation Street just won’t be the same without me, but honestly – you’ll be able to tune in again in seventeen years and we’ll all still be here, sitting around, sipping tea and complaining about the neighbours. At least we’re not as bad as that mob of toughs from Sun Hill. Honestly, Ian – it’s not like you’ve ever even tried. Maybe I should call that nice man from Sun Hill to come down here and he’ll nick you… …for the rape and murder of several young people. The horribly mutilated bodies were discovered on the moors last Saturday, and locals expressed disbelief. “It’s hard to believe that their would be a section of the moors that hasn’t been used to dispose of human remains…I don’t know how these people find the space to do it – it seems like every week the police are finding more bodies on the moors…oooh, it gives me the willies, it does. I’ll ‘ave to move ‘ouse pretty soon if they don’t stop finding bodies.” More on this story at eleven, when we’ll also be talking to … …Pharos, the Queen’s late, lamented Corgi… …about the EU, social security reform , Ben Elton, and… …Depression. You don’t have to be a slave to it any more! Just take the bright green pill and feel profound relief from your head to your toes – living in a damp, dark country, where it pisses with rain most of the time need never be a problem again. However, this medication may cause drowsiness, dizziness, blood spatter, vomiting, diarrhoea, and even Irritable Bowel Syndrome. The green pill is not for everyone but everyone can afford it through the amazing National Health Service. Talk to your doctor about it today … …and always let your conscience be your guide. Did you know that the French don’t really smell of garlic? Or that the Prime Minister has had plastic surgery to make his ears look even more like Prince Charles’? Tonight on BBC News: we’ll sing the same tune as the US news services! More Brits get the US news from us than any other source, except for the newspapers with the birds that have their tits out. Tune in at 9pm Greenwich Mean Time… …and see Becks and Posh live from their living room, baring their souls for the cameras. You’ll learn why Becks talks in that strange voice that makes him sound a bit like a jockey, and why Posh can’t seem to gain weight, no matter how many photos the press publishes of her that make her look like an escapee from Belsen. We’ll also spend time with Britains First Couple in their new Spanish hideaway, which they bought when the other five Spanish hideaways were uncovered by our cameras and broadcast – just last week! Tune in to see… …my dick! Hur hur hur, cor blimey, guvnor! Is that the time – said the actress to the Bishop! Hur hur hur, oh you do carry on, don’t you miss? Perhaps you’d like me to come around and – clean yer windows, hey? How about that? I’ll clean ‘em good, Miss – honest I will. Shine yer shoes fer a penny, I will. Hur hur hur. Cor blimey, guvnor! Cor.

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