Jim, I’ve got to tell you, nothing is quite as flavorful as mom’s home cooking. You can go to any restaurant, any bistro or any hometown café and the food will be good, but really it all comes down to mom. That’s why we created this whole-chicken deep fryer. It’s got all the goodness of mom – in a fryer! You can deep fry a roast chicken to feed your whole family, just like mom used to do. Having people over for Christmas? You can deep fry a ham! Throw in a bag of spuds, and you’ve got delicious roast potatoes – cooked in a fraction of the time! Nothing quite beats …

… President Bush’s decision to reduce state welfare and let charity and faith-based initiatives take up the slack. We are in a morally lacking day and age, and I think it is about time the government supported the church. President Clinton didn’t do it – we all know about his morals – and I’m glad we have a leader strong enough to take us by the hand and return America to its glorious past. We’re in a day and age when gay marriage is a divisive issue, Ted – that’s how far we’ve fallen morally. People are actually out on the streets, protesting about us liberating …

… her babies. This baby gorilla just wants to hold onto mommy, but it’s time for her to make her own way in the world! She’s just shaking her off there! Slip! Slide! Whee! Mommy, why are you throwing me? Ha ha ha! The daddy gorilla isn’t sure he’s liking this. It’s his turn to throw his baby around! That baby doesn’t know …

… how we gonna pimp you up, hardcore. First we gonna get you some bling bling shades, baby, and some of that designer gear you be seeing on the TV. Then we gonna take you to a hair designer, who will make you look as cool as Beyonce, fo’ real! Then a little minor plastic surgery, and, finally, we gonna take you to P Diddy’s pad in Beverley Hills, fill you up with Cristal and party down! Bling bling, you know what I’m saying! Fo’ shizzle …

… your nozzle so that it’s at a thirty-eight to forty-one degree angle. To reiterate, that’s degrees, not radians, remember; we’re making a beveled table, not projecting the flight of a surface-to-air missile. That’s on Thursday. Now, to do this bevel properly, you’re going to need the following seventeen machines, which most people have lying around in their garage. It’s really very simple stuff. First, prepare the sub-atomizer, and aim it at …

… the terrorists. This holiday season there aren’t just presents under the tree – there are also tanks and bombs! Officials at the Pentagon have told News 10 that Al Qaeda operatives are planning on planting dirty bombs in family homes and disguising them as festive gifts. President Bush calls this an outrage; we call him right. More on this story at eleven, when we’ll also be talking to …

… Barney the White House dog …

… about Medicare, social security reform, Jesus, and …

… Irritable Bowel Syndrome. You don’t have to be a slave to it any more! Just take the bright green pill and feel profound relief from your head to your toes – or at least, the median of those two points. May cause drowsiness, dizziness, blood spatter, vomiting, diarrhea, more Irritable Bowel Syndrome. The green pill is not for everyone; some people can’t afford it. Talk to your doctor about it today …

… and always let your conscience be your guide. Did you know that Mount Everest is the biggest mountain on Earth? Or that Disneyland is one of the funnest places to go? Tonight on ABC News: we’ll sing some fun songs and all learn together! More Americans watch ABC than any other news source, which probably explains a lot about our country, but we’re not complaining! Watch our exciting, laughter-filled broadcast at 9pm Eastern …

… or I’ll be back. Hello there, I’m Arnold Schwarzenegger, America’s second most loved actor turned state governor. During my film career, I wrote my own jokes, and was proud of it. Now California has let me write my own laws! Because I’m an actor, nobody really notices that I pretend to unite both parties while screwing the poor and the needy alike. Under President Bush, that’s what I believe America is all about. And that’s why you need to vote for Proposition 99, which will allow me to run for President of the United States. Get into the chopper; vote for Arnold. Now I must get back to sexually abusing my interns, ha ha …

… ha ha ha ha ha! Look at this woman’s collagen implants! Now that’s what I call a complication! Tonight on The Swan: Most Hilarious Outtakes, we’ll be laughing at poor women with low self-esteem to make us feel better about ourselves. Because that’s what American TV is all about!