The Fine Art Of The Covering Letter

Dear Sir/woman,

I am writing to you to apply for the post of Idiot, as advertised in the Walthamstow Gazette. Please find enclosed my CV, although I did not put it in the envelope. Nor did I use an envelope. Please also find enclosed bacon.

I first became interested in idioting when I realised that I had the brains of a shrimp and the potential of a housebrick. I realised this when a number of local dignitaries offered substantial tax breaks to my parents to have me put down. This was further reinforced when I was dropped on my head as a child, over a period of some years, by a small number of volunteers working in shifts. This has given me a number of intellectual capabilities, the number in question being 0, and a useful ability to carry drinks trays on my head.

I realise I have used the phrase "a number of" a number of times in this letter, as I have on a number of other occasions. For general purposes I assume all numbers to be four and act accordingly.

My salary as Idiot will be negotiable, but I expect it to be four. With suitably generous holiday entitlements I will, however, accept a salary as low as four.

I have a number of skills, also 0. These do not include cryptography, fluid dynamics, any form of dance, Quechua or yeast.

My previous experience is listed on my CV, but I shall repeat it here for no reason. When I was four, I worked for four years as a drinks machine in a large plastics manufacturer. I was then promoted to Assistant Scum before moving to IBM to work as a computer error. This post greatly suited my lifestyle and it was a hard decision to move, after a brief spell as Chief Financial Officer, to a field near Harrogate. Since then I have been mostly in a state of inebriation and have a number of court orders against my name, none of which I understand. I can be Dutch upon request.

I can give as many references as you may require, although I should point out that none have any knowledge of my employment history, abilities or conduct, or indeed, of me in any way whatsoever, except in the case of those who have had to have me surgically removed. Please do not contact any references before the interview, as I feel it is quite likely that very few of them exist. If this is a problem please contact me on my home telephone number, which is four, or on my mobile, which is above my bed. It looks pretty in the moonlight. I think I like you.

My blood type is B. This was raised from a C- on appeal.

I can be available for interview at any time after dark, and I look forward to hearing from you, or anyone else.

Yours Sincerely,


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