News Roundup: NOW

THE UKRAINIAN ELECTION, which of course you have all been following, came to a further head today with the announcement that the country is now in a state of fight. "Fight," commented a spokesslav for the pro-Moscow candidate, Viktor Yanukovych. "Fight," confirmed a spokesman in a hat for Mr. Yushchenko. They then set to with divers blows and sundry beatings, which being in the nature of fisticuffs, shall continue until the lesser mortal is soundly thrashed and retires in chagrin. Oh yeah, and there's a civil war or some shit like that. * * * THE DEATH OF Yasser Arafat has left an unprecedented and unforeseen power vacuum in the nascent Palestinian Authority. In fact, it has since transpired that there only four Palestinians anywhere in the world, engaged in a bitter conflict with the one existing Israeli. The Israeli is, however, thought to be "quite big" by a number of objective political reporters. * * * IN RELATED NEWS, the Congo wars, which have raged for over thirty years, have been conclusively shown to consist of a twelve-year-old boy who has been attacking himself without let or mercy for the entire period. The Red Cross are said to be "confused". While relieved, this publication did take the time to question Kofi Annan, the Sec'y-Gen'l of the UN, on how a twelve-year-old could have been fighting since the seventies. He answered. While we missed his answer because we were looking for things in his beard, we're sure that it was well thought out and worthy of such an elevated public figure. * * * IN UNRELATED NEWS, a whole bunch of things happened. In a special report, we go into each in groundbreaking detail, with live video links to our correspondents, analysis, debate and ATTENTION SPAN FAILURE COMMENCE NEXT PSEUDO-NEWS INFORMATIONAL TIDBIT * * * THE DOLLAR FELL to a record price today of no Euro-cents. This translates to a mere no yen, or approximately no tenths of a Thai baht. The chief of the Federal reserve, Alan Greenspan, who is a thousand years old, is reported to have been said to have been quoted as saying, "bugger." US Trade is now free. Mexico has bought the existing and all future stocks of nuclear weapons after allaying security concerns with a shiny Mexican peso. The Federated States of Micronesia have purchased Alaska and large parts of Wyoming. Russia merely waits, and sits, and thinks, and waits. Soon it will make its move. Soon. The British pound is currently worth around half a dollar. * * * THE DISRUPTION CAUSED by the dollar's collapse to President Bush's ongoing tour of South America has been averted by pawning Colin Powell. The President is reported to have secreted a couple of spare Rumsfelds in his left sock for future hard times. * * * MEANWHILE, SOUTH AMERICA'S tour of President Bush has reached the knees. * * * SPORT NOW, AND the rampage of Chelsea Football Club through the upper reaches of the Premiership has gone "out of control", according to former footy head chap Adam Crozier. Mr. Crozier believes that the team went "too far" in its decision to buy a reserve team including Pele, Diego Maradona, Brian Clough, Brian Boitano, Che Guevara and the British Foreign and Commonwealth Office. "Normally we could overlook this kind of extravagance," he explained from under a ship, "were it not for their transfer move last week to buy all the players in the world." Mr. Crozier blamed the team's ability to splash money on unnecessary purchases on their recent decision to pay all playing staff in American dollars. * * * OTOCRANIOLOGICAL NEUROSCIENCE NOW, and it seems to be going fine. Everything's fine. Jolly good. Carry on. * * * UNCONFIRMED REPORTS* THAT news articles get excessively self-referential have been disputed by this very article. So there. *See footnote

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