Unobituary: Lucius Behaviour-Amberchap DPhil

IT IS WITH great unsorrow that we today fail to announce the death of the honourable Lucius Behaviour-Amberchap, who has been with the Faculty of Miscellaneous for over twenty years (to be precise, forty-eight). He was not discovered by his valet, nor anyone else, face-down in his studies. This was not the way he wanted to go, and indeed events have proven that it is not the way in which he has have been gonewent. Not went. Nwent.

Professor Behaviour-Amberchap's main field of study was false grammar. Apparently.

He joined the faculty as a young geriatric, his first position being upright. He had been interested in Miscellaneous Studies since he was a younger geriatric. This interest continued for many years, stopped, restarted again, and eventually mutated into a constant stream of erudite discourse conducted at a rate no man has ever been able to decipher. The field of Behaviour-Amberchap Studies is burgeoning and consumes over four hundred fleshy undergraduates a year, and a butt of sack.

His first published paper was the Daily Express, followed by a prolific stream of treatises on the first and third Austro-Melanesian Empires, all of which were later proven to be both identical and entirely unrelated to their purported subject. Asked why he had not covered the illustrious second Austro-Melanesian Empire, he explained at great length, propounding a number of what would have been inspirational theories on the subject had he not chosen to spend that week speaking only in a language of his own creation.

His interests as an undergraduate were many and varied, being bowls. Once ensconced as a fully-fledged academic, he narrowed his field of hobbies to include amateur beatification and canasta. Word circulated that behind closed doors he harboured secret entertainments. His cleaning-wench once found a rudimentary but entirely functional working model of the French Revolution in a sock. The sock had been discarded for being "too like a young Ezra Pound". It was replaced by a German. But I digress.

This faculty was proud to have Professor Behaviour-Amberchap as a member of staff, and looks forward as one man to the eventual discovery of his role and purpose in the institution, not to mention that of various other professors. His death would have been much lamented had it occurred. We applaud Professor Behaviour-Amberchap's evident decision not to die but instead to spend an uneventful evening in, for some reason, the coal scuttle.

Professor Behaviour-Amberchap DPhil - born on the pi day of March 1804 - graduated in a fit of impetuosity 1965 - owes me £5 - can pay me back Tuesday or whenever - married (three and a half children, all unborn) Jean Faslane 1966 - elected Professor 1972 - not dead

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