Exorcise Your Right
Welcome, good citizen! Thank you for voting in the 2004 presidential election. We appreciate your democracy. Actually, this is a lie; we grudgingly accept your democracy through the gritted teeth of capitalism. We sit here and make laws when we could be making millions of dollars in shady back-room deals, and really you ought to be more thankful. Imagine what the world would be like if politicians were out to profit for themselves! It's not worth thinking about! So be a dear and vote how we want you to. It's the least you can do.
Voting is simple. All you have to do is count the number of words in each candidate's name, cube that number using a scientific calculator (not provided), subtract it from zero and then write it in two's complement binary arithmetic on a 4"x5" piece of paper (not provided). Fold it into a crane and post it to our ballot address (not provided).
Your choices for President of the United States from 2004 through 2008 are:
1. Michael Badnarik (Libertarian). Now, let's be honest, we don't expect any of you to vote for him. He is, after all, a computer programmer Ayn Rand fan with a gun cellar, which pretty much eliminates interest from both the inbred rural and educated geek populations. You can consider him filler.
2. George W Bush (Republican). Some think George is the second coming of the Son of God. We couldn't possibly comment. All we know is that George has made America loved throughout the world, improved the quality of life for even the needy and the hungry, and turned water into wine wherever possible. God bless George, and God bless you.
3. John F Kerry (Decepticon). There is nothing good to say about John Kerry. Look at his face; do you want to elect Droopy? Ha ha ha! He looks like a cartoon dog! But we must look beyond the humor of his unfortunate looks and remember that he and the Liberal Senators make up a dangerous group that only want to make America poorer. They kill babies and want to take our semi-automatic weapons away from us.
4. David Cobb (Green). The Green Party seem to be under the impression that protecting little seals and baby zebras is more important than our gross domestic product. Of course, this is deluded and false! With a high gross domestic product, we can buy all the seals and baby zebras we want!
5. The other guys (Peace and Freedom Party, Independent, and so on). There's no point in giving each of them their own sections on the ballot, because they don't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting anywhere near office. Electing Christian fundamentalists, people with dangerous criminal convictions and anti-war protestors? Please! That could never happen!
Now you've got that bit over with, you have another page and a half of stuff you don't care about to vote on. Points will be deducted for incorrect choices.
Your choices for state representative are:
1. The incumbent. Over the past two years, the incumbent has shadowed Bush in every way, and therefore has fulfilled his obligation as a member of the opposition party. This is how democracy is supposed to work, and anyone who says otherwise is probably a terrorist who hates America, like John Kerry and the Liberal Senators.
2. The other guy. He's a Republican, and therefore is Right for America. He's anti-abortion, anti-homosexual marriage, pro-Guantanamo Bay, pro-Homeland Security, pro-PATRIOT Act, anti-stem cell research and pro-tax cut - just like the first guy! That's why this country is so great. It's full of patriots who obey the President.
3. The mystery third option. Once again nobody would actually vote for him, because he's obviously a far-left extremist who believes in health care and education for all. Under him, the budget would be balanced and America would be happier and more productive, but think of our safety! Think of the military! Think of the terrorists! We cannot allow ourselves to vote for security in old age when America is under attack now!
Your choices for local government representative are:
1. Tom McGuy (farmer). Tom has been working hard for the people of his community since 1988, when he first entered office on a platform of the family-orientated values he was raised on. The liberals want to turn our children into cheap whores and string them out on crack by telling them all about sex and drugs. As a farmer, Tom wants to educate them in the traditional way, with incest and horse tranquilizers.
2. Roger Schmidt (lawyer). Roger is an outsider. Don't trust him, he looks Jewish and drives a compact car with a tape player.
Your choices for city treasurer are:
1. Maureen McFasten. Maureen hasn't sent us any information, but given the entire country's appalling financial record over the past four years, she's probably doing a horrendous job and spending all your money on dinners at Red Lobster. Too bad, because you can't vote for anyone else.
Now here comes the tough bit. A slew of propositions have been proposed by hard-working citizens like you (who could stump up a couple of thousand dollars and obtain hundreds of signatures from businesses and private individuals). You, right here and now, have to say whether you're for and against, despite not really knowing anything about them - and they'll amend the constitution and influence the way your country works forever!
All you have to do is say "yes" or "no", and our special democracy satellites will pick up your voice patterns and register your vote. You can be standing in line at the grocery store, talking to your mother on the telephone, or performing sinful bedroom acts! It's that easy!
Proposition 92. TERRORISTS MUST DIE.
If voted in, suspected terrorists would immediately be electrocuted on the spot with special guns, alleviating the need for expensive trials and saving the taxpayer money.
ARGUMENT FOR: Substantial saving in taxes, freeing money for hospitals and schools. Also, the terrorists would be dead.
ARGUMENT AGAINST: Nothing, really.
Proposition 93. LIMITATION TO THREE STRIKES LAW.
The three strikes law would be limited to one strike. Lawbreakers would be imprisoned forever in special cryo-chambers, paid for by state bonds at standard interest rates.
ARGUMENT FOR: No more lawbreaking creeps.
ARGUMENT AGAINST: Possibility of future accident, accidentally thawing criminals in a time and place they do not understand. Experts suggest that hilarity may not ensue. Also, without evil, what is good?
Proposition 94. RIGHT TO PARTY.
If voted in, this would create a new civil right: the right to party.
ARGUMENT FOR: Your mother took away your best porno mag.
ARGUMENT AGAINST: You have to fight for your right to party.
Proposition 95. INCREASE IN FREEDOM.
America would cease its Republic status and be converted into a benign dictatorship. This would lead to SAFETY and FREEDOM. Terrorism would be ELIMINATED due to a DICTIONARY REDEFINITION.
ARGUMENT FOR: Politicians would have the freedom to get things done.
ARGUMENT AGAINST: In a democracy, the faces change. This makes TV more interesting.
Proposition 96. INCORPORATION OF UNITED KINGDOM.
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland would become the fifty-first state in the Union. The territory has enjoyed unofficial status since around the close of World War 2; this proposition would alleviate the need for Tony Blair. We'd keep the Queen though, on account of her quaintness.
ARGUMENT FOR: The United Kingdom has not been an autonomous state for a number of years; this measure would provide significant tax savings to its inhabitants, and stem the rising tide of monolithic socialism.
ARGUMENT AGAINST: Their teeth! Oh God, the horror!
Proposition 97. BE KIND TO SEAGULLS DAY.
For too long, seagulls have been shot at by angry motorists and misguided children. This measure would ensure that, for one day a year, the citizens of this great country would extend the hand of friendship to our feathered friends. Acceptable activities would include taking a seagull to lunch at Applebee's, pushing them on a rope swing for a while, or baking them brownies.
ARGUMENT FOR: It would be a lovely thing to do.
ARGUMENT AGAINST: Seagulls basically smell.
Well done, brave citizen! Now you must follow the instructions on the back of this website and use your constitutional right to a due democratic process*. God bless America and all its happy little children!
* Democracy available while stocks last, in participating states only.
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