Hello there! Thank you for calling Big Cheap Orange Airline UK. Be advised that your call may be monitored and recorded for training purposes. Training purposes include retrieving the recording and playing it to prove how wrong you are when you sue us. Please try and ignore my cheeky cockney accent, even as it burrows its way into your brain and sets up home over the next fifteen minutes.

Did I mention that we have massive call volume? We’ve got massive call volume, which means we won’t be able to talk to you for over fifteen minutes. We hope that’s okay. If it’s not, there isn’t much you can do about it. Except hang up. We’d love you to hang up. Massive call volume, you see.

Did I mention that you’re paying ten pence a minute? Oh, well, I don’t want to make a big thing about it. I mean, by the time you’re done, you’ll only have paid a pound fifty. That’s only three American dollars. But think how many Russian roubles that comes to! How many Japanese yen! Our foreign investors are proud of you.

Right. Here are your options, son, and don’t be defeatist: even while death is a constant presence at the end of the muddy rainbow of your life, you do have options.

Press one if you would like to buy things. Please note that the waiting times for this option are so short they are currently measurable only with very powerful and specialised equipment. Press two if you would like to complain about things you have bought. Press three if you would like to find out about other things we do, like scuba diving, going to the movies or crawling into warm beds on cold nights. Press four if you would like to hear a random series of beeps and squeals that sound like a baby being faxed to your mother. Press five to bomb North Korea. Press six to have the entirety of Celine Dion’s unlikely hit My Heart Will Go On beamed directly into your brain. Press seven to learn the Portuguese for “I would like three satsumas and a basket of grapes please”. Press eight to hear this list again in Japanese. Press nine to hear this list again in Braille. Press zero for a surprise and some chocolate.

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A surprise and some chocolate? That’s not possible! You have reached the technical support menu. I hope that’s what you wanted, because to start again, son, you’d have to hang up and dial again. And incur our five pound redial fee. And be forced to evade our crack team of telemarketing assassins, who will be instructed to kill only you.

We are aware that a technical support line is an odd thing for an airline to have. Meet us halfway on this one.

If you have crashed, press one. Press two if you are on an aircraft that has been hijacked by international terrorists. Press three if your seat doesn’t go back. Press four if the person sitting next to you is too fat. Press five if you’ve just dreamt that the plane you’re on is about to explode, and you know that it will come true because the handle just fell off the tray in the seat back in front of you. Press six if a stewardess has just spilled your tea into your lap. If you are Drew Carey, please hang up and let the gods decide your fate.

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We apologise for your crash, and hope you aren’t too dismembered. If you would like to threaten legal action or claim compensation for your imminent demise, we recommend Big Cheap Orange Law Firm UK.

You have several options.

Press one if you have crashed into a major landmark such as the White House, the Houses of Parliament, Big Ben or the World Trade Centre, and would like to register your dying words as a trademark. Press two if you would like some clean underwear. Press three if you think you’ve got an hour or two left and have a dying wish. Press three if you are unscathed and would like a taxi home. Press four if you’ve died already and your blood is making its merry way into the water supply. Press five if you believe you transcend death, or you caused the crash in order to enter the kingdom of heaven.

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We apologise for your untimely death. Why not make a claim using our partner, EuroSue? We turn catastrophes into cashtastrophes! Simply give us a call on 0800 UKILLEDME now.

You have four options. If, at any time, you would like to hear these again, press the star button once.

To enter the kingdom of heaven, press one. To enter hell, press two. To spend the rest of eternity sitting in purgatory, press three. To return to the mortal world as a spirit and haunt the ones you love, press four.

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We have logged your request. A customer representative will be with you surely; however, due to high call volume, you can expect a wait of over fifteen minutes ...