An Interview With Google

Like 3G mobile phones and the unicycle, Google's "I'm Feeling Lucky!" button has survived to the present day despite having no known use. To celebrate this, we're going to interview it by typing in questions and seeing what the ever-informative internet spews back at us. Mainly because we like doing things like that. We also like photography. And bread. And Indians.

Revolution postponed to next Thursday

R&M: "I'm Feeling Lucky!" button, hello. How are you?

IFL: Well, isn't this groovy.

R&M: More than you can possibly imagine.

IFL: I'm Tommy Black, Connecticut's sexiest philosopher.

R&M: It appears you can imagine quite a bit.

IFL: I decided it might be fun to demonstrate a few more cool/geeky things.

R&M: This is certainly the place for it. Would you consider yourself geeky?

IFL: Good idea. Although, in general, the people that try to abuse us are uninteligent and easy to outwit. [sic]

R&M: Do you get much abuse in your position?

IFL: Lots of people do.

R&M: I'll take that as a yes. Who are the main culprits?

IFL: From Ballykissangel goody-two-shoes to Cold Feet slapper... ouch!

R&M: You're telling me you're being bullied by Victoria Smurfitt?

IFL: There is something about French movies.

R&M: Don't try to change the subject.

IFL: Sooner or later someone somewhere may offer you a drink.

R&M: Don't try to bribe me either. No ice in the whisky.

IFL: So how do you do it?

R&M: Bribery or whisky?


R&M: I'm not really a rum drinker. But with milk and molasses is rather good.

IFL: No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

R&M: Are you a bad man?


R&M: He is, yes. I think you've had enough rum now, by the way.

IFL: Well, then, I confess, it is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out!

R&M: Jesus fucking Christ. OK, have the rum back then.

IFL: Oh hell ya.

R&M: Sot. OK, let's get back to the interview. What's Google like as an employer?

IFL: Never, NEVER pay for the chance to work!

R&M: Let me get this straight. You pay Google for working?

IFL: Out of all the people to ask.

R&M: No, really, do you or don't you?

IFL: Welcome to the most unusual artifact to be discovered on the Superhighway de la Informatique : the really big button that doesn't do anything.

R&M: Oh, I see. You don't actually work at all. But do you still get paid?

IFL: It's usually porn and I generally try and blag a free porn account or something.

R&M: And why not, indeed. What's the weirdest question you've been asked?

IFL: In 6 words or less, give us the best idea that you can of who Jade Puget is.

R&M: That's really strange. How did you answer?

IFL: Lower your standards.

R&M: Wow. That'd be exceptionally funny if I had any idea who Jade Puget was.

IFL: Witchhunter, witchhunter
Find me a witch!
Kill me a hag!
Burn that old bitch!

R&M: Not someone you think highly of, then.

IFL: How to show interest in someone... or not.

R&M: I wouldn't recommend using that as a chat-up line, no. Come to think of it, can you give our readers any tips in that area?

IFL: You know you’ve made it if you can get past the doors to The Spy Bar.

R&M: And where is this Spy Bar?

IFL: Stockholm.

R&M: So to get the girl, you... take her to Stockholm.

IFL: Here I go!

R&M: Sit down. The interview's not over yet.

IFL: The interview is a business meeting.

R&M: Damn right. Next question. Next to Google's astronomically successful range of businesses, do you ever feel like a pointless piece of clutter on an otherwise minimalist front page?

IFL: How to file -- and still find things!

R&M: You consider grabbing the first thing to hand a good filing system?

IFL: What's the best way to let people know you're attracted to them?

R&M: What? What? Uh... tell them?

IFL: Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, uh oh.

R&M: Oh, calm down. It's not that big a deal.

IFL: Look what she is doing she is dancing like a foolish.

R&M: Right, I really am going to take the rum away from you now.

IFL: Ha ha ha ha ha!

R&M: Right, last question before you start vomiting on my shoes. Which person would you most like to meet?

IFL: The person who I would most like to meet, that I haven't met before is Nelson Mandela and why is fairly obvious.

R&M: Humour us. Why do you want to meet Nelson Mandela?

IFL: Our poet Nkayi, he says, ‘Life is like a big wheel. The one who was on top, tomorrow is on the bottom. The one who was at the bottom, is at the top.’

R&M: On which surprisingly coherent note, we reach the end of the interview. Google's "I'm Feeling Lucky!" button, thank you.

IFL: Natural and artificial machines for fun and profit!

R&M: Indeed.

What do you think, did we get it right? Comment here...