There Is No Pressing Need To Panic

This is an official government leaflet.

Note that the government in question is still in working order and capable of protecting you, and your family.

Everything is all right. It's all right.

This leaflet is designed to inform you about what to do in the case of a terrorist attack.

For God's sake stay calm.

It's all right.

Firstly, there is no chance of terrorists using nuclear, chemical or biological weapons.

Let's take each of these in turn.


That's "nuclear weapons", not the popular album by rock group Ash, "nu-clear sounds". Ha! Ha! Humour is important when faced with no risk of a horrific and painful death.

If you should find a nuclear disaster, remain calm. Everything is all right. Do not attempt to extinguish it with a standard water or powder fire extinguisher. Doing so will remove your skin and irradiate your sexual organs to the point of carbonisation. Ha! Ha! No really don't.

Proceed to the nearest fire exit. This will make everything all right. To make sure everything is all right, which of course it will be anyway, do not attempt to travel long distances with your now radioactive carcass. Do not worry, because you should not worry, as worrying about the effects of nuclear winter and long term fallout is worrying, and you should not worry. We have now given you good reasons not to worry. Remember the Acronym:

CAll the fire brigade
Not to be using fire extinguishers
Collect your loved ones and
Everything will be all

Ha! Ha! Actually just remember the letters individually and not in the form of a word.

Remember to turn off lights when you leave buildings. This is so other people in towns and cities can use the electricity you will have no further use for in the remainder of your life. Until you survive. Everything is fine and will continue to be fine.

Ash from vaporised corpses can be removed from carpets using red wine and/or vinegar.

Don't worry. Public services will work as usual without interruption. In the interests of not worrying, which is an offence punishable by six years' imprisonment, do no attempt to use said services or check if they are still working. Everything will be fine.

Do not attempt to arm yourself, as there will be no plutonium-addled plague zombies dripping with rage after the nuclear blast, which cannot happen. Do not attempt to attack zombies with a variety of possible implements, including kitchen knives, toasting forks, hedge trimmers, straight-edge razors, gardening implements and hacksaws, all readily to hand about the home. In particular, do not attempt to decapitate the zombies, which would in no way be the only way they could be killed. The zombies, which could not possibly exist, would in all probability not be limited to a speed of three miles per hour, and you should not attempt to run them over in a large car or truck. There are no zombies and radiation is not a terrorist threat. You could also try hacking them with cleavers.

Everything is fine.

Withered body parts dropping from your shambling husk of a body can be disposed of hygienically using plenty of tissue paper and some Dettol or white spirit, in much the same way as a clandestine abortion.

Everything is fine.

Don't worry.

Everything will be OK.


No terrorists have chemical weapons, and they probably won't use them anyway.

In the event of a chemical weapon attack, which is impossible, do not attempt to retrieve the outer layer of your skin before exiting the area. There will be no cause for alarm, therefore panicking citizens will be shot to demonstrate their folly to the rest of you. This is fine, because everything is fine.

Elderly people are at no risk of dissolving in a chemical attack. The resulting solution is in no way dangerous and can be safely disposed of far, far away from here.

If you are at home when the attack does not take place because it cannot take place because everything is OK, do not attempt to leave. In particular do not come into physical contact with any persons, especially government employees, who will be busy ensuring that everything is fine, as doubtless it will be. They perform this duty most effectively while still in possession of their epidermis. Also do not touch the water supply, which is also fine.

Loss of eyesight is temporary and will cease to be a problem within six to eight minutes of exposure, or ten to twelve minutes for those of a hardy constitution. The government suggest passing the intervening time putting your affairs in order or writing a will, in Braille. This is nothing to worry about, and a simple look around you, without leaving the building, will reveal that your neighbours are doing exactly the same thing. Some of them may also be resting, perhaps slumped on the pavement or hanging out of car windows. Rest is important when faced with no risk of a disfiguring and prolonged death.

As in the case of a nuclear attack, do not worry. Your government is safe. You will also be safe, like the yellowish or light green gas you may find yourself inhaling. Everything is fine.


Biological weapons are by no means the commonest form of terrorist attack by terrorists, who do not have biological weapons.

These attacks would, were they to exist, take the form of an invisible, undetectable, breathtakingly potent and irresistible cocktail of bacteria and viruses, against which no human could form an effective immune shield. This is fine, because no biological attacks are possible, and everything is fine. The Medical Advisory Board to the Government recommends an immediate course of cutting-edge antibiotics and advanced serum treatment. This is unnecessary for the vast majority of the population. A simple household remedy is at hand. Simply dilute three millilitres of bleach in a litre and a half of common household bleach, distribute to all members of the family, and swallow rapidly. After a short period no biological weapon will be effective. As you can see, everything is fine.

Anthrax stains are soluble in aspirin, or alternatively can be rubbed out using a nearby cat or dog soaked in toilet cleaner.

Everything is fine.

Don't worry.

Everything is fine.

Published by a very important government agency from the government. Further information about this leaflet can be obtained by becoming a government employee. Everything is fine.

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