NEWS! ROUNDUP! NOW!

VLADIMIR PUTIN FACED the toughest test of his presidency this week with the hostage crisis in Beslan. The test, set by the rebels, is said to be "mostly algebra", known to be Mr. Putin's weakest point. Rumours of a lengthy multiple-choice section are as yet unconfirmed, although initial reports of a range of essay questions examining the Russian leader's grasp of Modernism in the Novel have since been discredited. However, the most important issue, and one which demands the full attention of and first billing on any self-respecting news source, remains the fate of the 350 adults and children who remain in severe danger ooh look, US presidential contest * * * REPUBLICAN STRATEGY LAY in tatters tonight as John Kerry announced his intention to accept the party's nomination. Scenes of dignified celebration befitting the contest between two prominent men for the leadership of the world's most powerful country ensued, mostly involving cowboy hats and airhorns. However, chaos ensued when it transpired that Kerry had now accepted the nominations of both parties and had sneaked into the Republican Convention cunningly disguised as himself. The leadership race will now be run between Senator John Kerry (D) and Senator John Kerry (R). Voters have expressed their approval of a more diverse pair of candidates than in the 2000 election. * * * RARE GIANT PANDAS have been bred in captivity for the first time in years in Beijing People's Zoo. Officials expressed their joy at the news, explaining that an extensive programme of showing the animals videos of other pandas mating had, after many trials, been brought to a close, and that the current success could be attributed to a new strategy of kicking the living shit out of the frigid little bastards. * * * PRESIDENT BUSH REACTED angrily to news of the Republican party's nomination of John Kerry, say aides close to his camp. It is understood that he has successfully impeached himself in protest. Lawyers are busy examining whether this approach is viable under current legislation. Dick Cheney's accession as acting President has been blocked by the Supreme Court until an inquiry can establish whether he is dead yet. In the interim, the post will be filled by Ralph Nader, for some reason. * * * THE NEW HARRY Potter novel, "Harry Potter and the Something of Whatever", has been derided by critics as "lacklustre" and its author, JK Rowling, as "resting on her laurels". The book consists of three densely-written pages, in which Harry Potter overcomes some dire threat or other in a manner reminiscent of every other cod fantasy novel written in the past forty years. Meanwhile, the word "from", which has been discovered to appear in all six novels in the series, has been sold at auction for forty-five thousand dollars, and Rowling's advance for the last in the sequence has been revealed by Bloomsbury to be "the very concept of money itself". * * * IN RELATED NEWS, Clive Cussler's latest thriller has been lauded for being exactly the same, word-for-word, as his previous bestseller. Amid cheers and exploding helicopters, Cussler explained that his fans "knew what they liked" and that he "felt honour-bound to give them what they want". * * * SCIENTISTS DRILLING INTO the San Andreas Fault in California yesterday announced an exciting addition to the system of tectonic plates that make up the Earth's crust. "Plates, schmlates. There's a whole dinner service down there," enthused the leader of the team, Professor Cheshunt Wanderley, whereupon this reporter accosted the scoundrel and dealt him several smart blows about the chops. Upon the passing of his hysteria, Prof. Wanderley once again spoke in a civilised manner befitting a former (and, might one presume, a future?) subject of Her Majesty's Empire. "It's mostly rocks," he confessed. * * * REPORTS THAT A distinguished Rum and Monkey reporter was spotted in California charging on horseback in the general direction of India waving a Union Jack and bellowing "I'll bring those bloody Indian chappies back under the jolly old British thingamajigger!" have been denied by Rum and Monkey. Rum and Monkey has no distinguished reporters. Neither does it know why one of them is certainly not currently attempting to overthrow a progressive and rapidly modernising democratic nation using three antique cannons and a tiger disguised as an eighteenth century trading company. * * * THE NASDAQ AND FTSE stock exchanges were today in turmoil at the resurgence of the much-feared bear market. Disruption is expected to subside by mid-afternoon once all the bears have sold their merchandise and returned to the mountains. * * * THE CAPITAL OF Brunei is Bandar Seri Begawan. Remember that, it'll be useful in quizzes and suchlike. * * * THE DARFUR REGION of Sudan is once again the focus of international attention, rising as high as eighth in some smaller news programmes' listings. World leaders held a crisis summit in Geneva, concluding after six hours of talks that Sudan was, in all probability, in Africa, and wasn't it good how these little countries could get into the newspapers these days? A UN task force assembled to deal with the growing crisis agreed to send Bob Geldof round later with some biscuits to have a good chat and find out what was the matter. * * * AND FINALLY, the end of the article. There's probably something good on TV just now. Or you could read the paper, I suppose. There's milk in the fridge if you want a cup of coffee.

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