Rum and Monkey is pleased to present to you, at massive expense to management, excerpts from the latest public offering by Hollywood wunderkind Quentin Tarantino.

Quentin's body of work has not previously extended in the genre of romance novels, but since his latest box office success with Kill Bill Vol. I & II, Quentin has decided to spend more time at home, working on a romance novel idea he first pitched to romance publishing house Mills & Boon in 1988.

We thank Quentin for allowing Rum & Monkey exclusive access to these excerpts from his latest masterpiece, I love you, Motherfucker.


The following excerpt is from Chapter one, where our heroine Veronica is introduced to the man who might finally make her life complete once more.

Veronica Bell was a woman with a mission. Her life, so very nearly tragically cut short two years before in an automobile accident, was back on track. But the memories of the fateful day haunted her still, and since her husband Victor had been killed in the accident, she had simply lost all interest in men.

Until now.

Veronica had gotten a phone call from her best friend Eva Burgess, an advertising executive with Carter and Lacy, the biggest ad agency in Los Angeles. Eva had begged Veronica to come to lunch to meet her boss James, an ex-body builder from Venice Beach.

"You should see this guy, Ronni... he's freakin' huge", Eva said breathlessly down the phone. Knowing Veronica's penchant for well-muscled men, Eva knew just the right buttons to push. She worked in advertising, after all.

So Veronica agreed to go to lunch. She was nervous as she dressed for the occasion, deciding that dressing to impress was going to be important. The PVC underwear that she had laid out glistened in the sunlight - she had spent the evening lightly oiling it so that it shone just right.

Arriving at lunch in her convertible Volkswagen Beetle, Veronica parked out the front of Julio's - it was the place to eat if you wanted to be noticed in LA. A quick glance around the tables was all she needed to spot Eva and James Marshall, her lunch date for the day. Eva was right. He was a big boy.

Eva waved her over, kissing her lightly on each cheek as she arrived. Veronica sat down, and looked across the table at James, and immediately lost herself in his deep blue eyes. She felt her pulse quicken and her face flush as she imagined running her hands over his rippling torso.

"Veronica, this is James... isn't he dreamy?" Eva said breathlessly. "If it weren't for my chronic asthma, I'd have snapped him up already, but James needs someone who's fit and healthy to jump in the sack with..."

"I'm fit," Veronica said weakly.

"And you look really fucking healthy," rumbled James, his eyes roving over Veronica's well-developed body.


The following excerpt is from Chapter Four. Veronica and James have been out at the movies, seeing Kill Bill Volume II. Again.

As Veronica opened the door to her beachside apartment, James suddenly grabbed her from behind.

"I've been wanting to fuck you all night," he rumbled.

"But you did already, at the movies. And in the car on the way home," Veronica said weakly.

"Well, I'm going to do it again," rumbled James, his smouldering eyes and rippling muscles smouldering and rippling in unison.

"But I hardly know you," Veronica said weakly.

"Well, you know my name... isn't that enough for you?" rumbled James.

"No. Tell me more..." Veronica said weakly.

"I used to be a gun runner for the Mob," rumbled James. "I still keep quite a few weapons around me all the time. I took the liberty of breaking into your apartment this afternoon while you were showering to set up a little present for you... A kind of prelude to what we're going to do later... Close your eyes, and follow me..."

James led Veronica to the balcony of her apartment, and to her surprise he wasn't kidding. There, on a tripod on the balcony, was a 7.62-mm SVD Dragunov, one of the most powerful and accurate sniper rifles available in the world.

"I stole this from a Communist, after I cut off his head with a corkscrew," rumbled James, his muscles rippling under his shirt like a family of mice scrambling for cover in a burlap sack.

"Oh, James..." Veronica said weakly, before she turned to place her eye against the powerful scope. "It's so beautiful - I can see everything from up here..."

James positioned himself behind Veronica, placing his hands on her hips as she reached for the trigger. Sliding his hands down her thighs, he hoisted her skirt, bunching it around her waist and ran a hand over her ample buttocks.

"You've got a nice ass, baby," James rumbled.

"Thanks James... it's nice of you to notice," Veronica said weakly.

James slid his hands further up Veronica's torso, her breathing getting faster and faster.

"Do you know what the people of Russia drive?" rumbled James

"No..." Veronica said weakly.

"They drive cars called Ladas, which are these really unusual little four wheel drives. They're tiny, and they can run on kerosene. Can you imagine that? Running on kerosene? I mean, come on... a car, running on kerosene? Who builds cars that run on kerosene these days? No one... except those crazy Russians. I tell you, Veronica, they're all fucking mental. All of them. Fucking mental." James rumbled.

"Oh, James... the way you spoke so knowledgably about trivia from another culture... it's so sexy," Veronica said weakly.

James' arousal was obvious to Veronica, and he wasted no time in making it even more so. Reaching around, he tore open her blouse, and began to fondle her.

"You've got nice tits, baby," James rumbled.

"Thanks James... it's nice of you to notice," Veronica said weakly.

As James began to service her from behind, Veronica's hand tightened around the stock of the 7.62mm rifle, her heaving bosom heaving all over the place while James rumbled and rippled and smouldered behind her.

As Veronica began to reach her climax, she caught sight of James in a reflection of the glass door of the balcony. He was rippling and smouldering like never before. As he took his ultimate pleasure of her, and he of him, there was a sudden loud report from the rifle.

Panting wildly, her body coated in a fine sheen of perspiration, Veronica put her eye to the scope once more.

"My God!" Veronica exclaimed weakly. "I've killed Eva!"

"I know baby," rumbled James. "It's such a rush."


I love you, Motherfucker will be in bookstores December 15th, 2004.