My Fellow Americans

My Fellow Americans - By Gregor Stronach The following is a raw transcript of a pre-recorded speech by George W. Bush. The tape was produced at Graceland Studios, Memphis Tennessee on 25/08/04. The voices heard on the tape are those of the President of the United States, George W., Bush, Mr Arnold Stout - Aide to Mr Bush, and the audio engineer at Graceland Studios, Mr Philip Fry. Begin: GWB: Wow... this studio is really cool, Phil... Can I touch this button?... no? Phillip Fry: No! GWB: Oh. Ok... sorry... Doo doo de doo doo doo... are we ready to go? Arnold, is my speech there? Can you pass me the notebook with the speech on it please? And I need a drink... no, no, I don't need orange juice... Bourbon will be fine, thanks... *tap tap tap*... is this thing on? Hello... HELLOOOOO!... PF: FUCK! That's really loud in the headphones, Mr President... GWB: ooh, sorry Phil... My voice sounds cool, though... Ahhhh, Houston... Weee have a problem... tee hee hee... PF: Ummm... GWB: Oh, sorry Phil. PF: That's ok, Mr President. Ready to go? Ok. On the count of three... One... GWB: My fellow Americans. I stand before you today to address you on some key issues that challenge the United States." Wait wait wait... Arnold... I'm not even standing here. I'm sitting on a stool... yeah, I know I'm supposed to be addressing the people of the United States, but I'm sitting on a stool... Arnold Stout: The People cannot see you Mr President. This is going to be played on the radio. GWB: oh, really? They can't see their radios? What are they, blind? AS: Mr Bush... GWB: Ok. No, no, I'm fine.... I'll start again. My fellow Americans. I am addressing you today on some key issues that challenge the United States. "We all know that the war on terror is the right thing to do. And even though the war is over, and the fighting continues, we will not remove our soldiers while there is still work to be done. We won't send the wrong message to terrorists from Saudi Arabia about our presence in Iraq. This is an issue that is sure to resignate with our allies around the world. I don't want nations feeling like that they can bully ourselves and our allies. I want to have a ballistic defense system so that we can make the world more peaceful, and at the same time I want to reduce our own nuclear capacities to the level commiserate with keeping the peace. America is a strong country. It's a beautiful, strong country that I am proud to call mine... AS: Mr President... please, stick to the script. This studio you insisted on is costing us a fortune, and we need to finish before The Eagles arrive to start on their next comeback album. GWB: Huh? Oh... yeah. I'm fine. My bourbon's finished though... get me another one, Arnold... yes, please... no ice this time... AND FILL IT TO THE TOP... Do you think he heard me Phil?... PF: I certainly heard you, Mr President. GWB: yeah, I know you heard me, I spoke into the microphone so that Arnold could hear me too... was it too loud? PF: By a long way, Mr President. GWB: Oh... sorry. Ok. I won't do that again. Sure. Sure. Sorry. Should I start again now? From the top...? PW: No, Mr President. We can splice the good bits together once you're done reading them out. GWB: Not from the top? What, we can edit this together then? Cool... wait a minute... I've said all this stuff before, though... surely we can just edit it together from the speeches I've already made. AS: No, Mr President. It doesn't quite work that way. GWB: No? Oh, ok... sure. Ok... I'll get going again. The United States is right to force other people to think the way we do. If it weren't for us and our ability to back up our model of government with massive amounts of firepower, other forms of government could prevail. I am informed by my Vice President that this would be a Bad Thing. So we must stop it. Stamp it out. We must bring an end to all governments... AS: Uhhh, Mr President... GWB: Huh? Oh... yeah. I'm fine. That's what I wanted to say, isn't it? No more governments? AS: No. GWB: Then what in sam hill am I supposed to be saying here, Arnold? It's not clear from the text. This says right here that we want to stamp out dictators and terrorists... that's what governments are, aren't they? AS: Yes... except for us, Mr President. We're the good guys... GWB: Of course we are, Arnold... that's what I meant to say. Can you make it say that for me please Phil? PF: Sure thing, Mr President. GWB: Ok... we're still rolling? Where was I? Oh yeah... I have come under fire. Make of that what you will... AS: Uhh... Mr President? GWB: Huh? Oh... yeah. Sorry. I'm fine... I'll keep going... should I start again at the beginning? My fellow Ameri... PF: No! Just from where you left off. GWB: Huh? Just from where I was up to? Ok... wait, my drink is empty again. Arnold... ARNOLD! PF: Shit! My ears! GWB: Shit, sorry Phil, ARNOOOOLLLLD! Just bring the bottle, you idiot.... AS: Yes, Mr President... I'll be right there. GWB: Good, he's gone... Phil... is there any coke back there? This is Elvis' place, right? He's got coke stashed somewhere, doesn't he? PF: No, Mr President. Elvis doesn't come here any more. He died 27 years ago. GWB: Really? But I just saw him on the television last week... AS: Here's your bourbon, Mr President... We need to hurry it up a little, sir... The Eagles are waiting outside to use the studio. GWB: Aahhhh, Houston. The Eagles are Waiting... tee hee hee. PF: I'll just pop out and let them know that we might be a while. GWB: Good for you, Phil. Are we still recording? Phil? PHIL? AS: He's gone, Mr President. It's not recording any more. GWB: Yes it is... the tape is still going round and round. I can see it. Do you think Elvis will hear this speech? It's a good speech, I think. Maybe I should sing a song for Elvis. She came up to me and she asked me to dance, and when she got real close, I had to drop my pants uh-huh, Lola... ELL OHH ELL EEE, LOLA! AS: Please, Mr President... that's an awful song. GWB: What? I love that song. It reminds me of my wife. AS: Really? GWB: Yes Sir! Yes Sirree Bob! Yes Sirree Bob Bob Bob... Well, the tape's about to run out, Phil's not here and I'm getting drunk. You want a drink Arnie? Huh? A little Bourbon Arnie? AS: It's ten in the morning, sir... GWB: Yes. Yes, it is. Hey look Arnie! I think the tape's about to... :End Transcript.