Dildo is not a funny word.

No, seriously, it isn’t, yet one of the first things you learn when you create a popular online community is how much people love it. The thirteen-year-olds, fresh out of prepuberty and armed with what they earnestly believe is a genius wit worthy of Oscar Wilde (although not actually Oscar Wilde’s wit, obviously, because that would be gay), will use it again and again. Want to gauge public opinion regarding the current political climate? Dildo. Want artful creative writing contributions? Dildo.

Do you seek honest admissions from teenagers in order to build an agony aunt service? Dildo. Would you like some delicious cake recipes? Dildo. Skilful haiku, highlighting the beauty of everyday things? Dildo.

Ladies and gentlemen, no matter what you do, no matter what your intentions are or how you go about it, it all comes back to dildo.

There are a number of procedures available to the discerning webmaster, eager to rid himself of the ersatz protuberances once and for all. For example, he can establish a dildo filter, as we ourselves have considered doing for a number of years. Such a filter would simply search out all occurrences of the word and splish them out of existence like a middle eastern nation. The webmaster would be none the wiser, and would naturally assume that his clientele are mature, intelligent individuals, capable of eating a sandwich and riding a bus at the very same time.

Another possible alternative is to build up a list of users known to overindulge in dildo. The list could be shared with other webmasters afflicted with a similar problem – therefore creating a kind of global dildo blacklist. There are, however, relevant privacy issues to consider; nobody really wants to be on a list of dildo lovers. Not most normal people, anyway. Not anyone you would want to know. So what, then, do we do?

Ladies, gentlemen; listen, and I will tell you.

In order to keep track of users abusing Internet services with offensive language and third-grade humor, we must initiate a nationwide biometric ID card system. This solution is simple and elegant – yet effective. It is sure to defeat the dildo-users.

However, this is not enough. Not only must ID cards be mandatory, but we must also maintain a database of suspected dildo contributors, and flag members of Web communities according to some basic but sophisticated psychometric and background profiling. This will work to produce a national do-not-post list, which we can use to keep our Internet communities safe.

Finally, in order to keep the Internet clean and retain our freedom of speech, it seems in our best interests to shut it down completely. It will then be impossible for a user to flood our hearts and minds with dildo.

Friends, I know some of you will find this dildo solution hard to swallow. However, once everything is set into its proper perspective, one can easily see that you’re either with us or against us. If you’re not removing the Internet and maintaining a potentially incriminating database of biometric, psychometric and background details, you’re posting the word “dildo” on discussion forums and laughing at pictures of men holding their bums open for the camera.

My fellow Internet users, that is your choice. All I ask is that you think long, think hard, and then comply exactly with my demands.

The world will be safe for dildo-posters no longer.