The Victorian Breakfast

In the lifetime of a gentleman of fortitude and determination, it may come to pass that one must take upon oneself the onerous task of preparing one's own breakfast. Such laxity on the part of one's domestic staff is not to be contemplated. Therefore, I shall proceed forthwith to the essentials of the matter and preclude contemplation of such ghastly departures from proper form.


One may not assume, as might "those below stairs", sufficient strength of character of the simple beasts whose fate it is to constitute one's breakfast sausage. Letters of recommendation will be required by all those of loftier station in life than that of oik. Once sausages of commendable moral rectitude have been obtained, it is common practice to "cook" them - by which, naturally, one means that task performed in the normal course of events by one's most corpulent servant. Undercooked sausages lead to lack of seriousness of purpose of one's bowels. Patience, thus, is a virtue. One may wish to pass the intervening time engaged in perambulation, rescuing fallen women or leaping into the air crying "Excelsior!" for purposes of constitution and temperance.


It is imperative not to neglect the Colonies if jolly old Johnny Foreigner is not to slip back into his caddish ways and beastly pursuits. Rather, consuming a stout cup of Darjeeling will reinvigorate Her Majesty's Imperial economy and oblige our vicissitudinal Indian fellow to return with zest to the Indian field. Doubtless he will be unable to restrain himself, in the fashion common to the undisciplined natives of tropical climes, from wild jubilations and shouts of "Excelsior!"


The indubitable sign of a gentleman - quid erat demonstrandum - ad Horatium et Virgilium excelsior excelsiorum - natch.


Unlike the aforementioned foreign chaps of low moral character, a fellow of standing and repute must give the pig a fighting chance in mano a mano fisticuffs. Chastising it soundly with a sterling patent leather belt until the brute perishes is to be recommended. One may then procure flesh, although it is important to inform the swine that one remains, sir, its obedient servant, and furthermore heartily to exclaim "Excelsior!" upon the close of proceedings.


Beat the eggs thoroughly. This is the only way they will learn discipline. A stiff brandy is essential, as this will hurt you more than it hurts them. If one strives, scrambling will be achieved. Eggcelsior!



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