You've tried the Atkins diet; the Oprah diet; the Slim Fast Plan, Nutricise, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, veganism and evangelical anorexia. You've been out jogging, bought one of those squeezy metal contraptions that sits between your thighs, rowed yourself to Northern Africa from the comfort of your living room and sprained both knees on a TotalGym. I feel your pain, ladies and gentlemen. I feel your fear. I too know what it's like to look disgusting; to wake up every morning and look in your full-length mirror, shifting left and right because it will only reflect a third of your girth at once. I too was a wobbly heffmonkey, but ladies and gentlemen, take heart: I found a slimming solution that's easy, cheap, and surprisingly effective.

Eat bees.

Eating bees really takes the sting out of dieting! Did you know that with just a handful of bumblebees in the morning and a handful for lunch, with a sensible meal in the evening, you can lose ten to fifteen pounds each week? It's incredible but true! Check out these testimonials from real life people who lost their sweaty, hairy folds of pork by doing just that!


Dear Benjamin,

I tried everything from the Slim Fast Plan to walking up and down my road once each day. Nothing would make the weight shift! I was actually banned from six supermarkets because the products would stick to my hips as I walked down the aisles. But then, as a last resort, I decided to start eating bees. "What the hey," I thought, "what harm can it possibly do?" And my life has changed forever. I now have the gaunt, malnourished figure I've always desired! Thank you, Benjamin. And thank the bees.

Gwendel Oppenheimer
Bradenton, Florida


Dear Sir,

My neighbours called me slow and stupid. It would take me the best part of a day to walk through my house and into my car so I could travel three blocks in order to buy a simple burger. I didn't have enough energy to even watch The Young and the Restless with my children. None of my clothes fit and I had to have dungarees made out of sailcloth. But ever since I tried eating bees, I run like the wind and look like Charles Atlas. My neighbours don't disrespect me any more. Thank you.

Jerry Battler
Peanut, California



You can share the marvellous miracle of bee eating. Eat bees with your friends, your neighbours, your children or spouse - or even in the dark of your basement! Whichever way you choose, the weight will slide off like butter. And who can argue with that? Note that bees are not FDA approved, and your weight loss experience while eating beautiful, nutritious bees may vary.

Eat bees at the park; in a canoe; on your armchair or chaise longue; in Louisiana; while playing Hamlet; while out stealing furniture; even at the epicentre of a major seismic event. Bees can be enjoyed anywhere, but they cannot be bought in any store. To enjoy the weight-dropping effect of bees, you must call our special toll free number today.

Call within the next five minutes and we'll throw in a handful of fruit flies as well! Did you know that fruit flies share 70% of their DNA with humans? Now you can perform your own genetic experiments in your living room; in your car; praying to Jesus; while sitting on a duck. And it will cost you nothing when you buy a bag of bees for a mere $29.95! Not including shipping, handling or hidden fees.

Just dial 1-800-555-BEES and realise your weight loss dreams today! Operators are standing by like gleeful vultures.