Person of the Year (Part 4)
Previously we've given delicious rum love to Bill Gates, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Michael Jackson. Michael Moore would be appalled; these are, after all, stupid white men - the heart of all that is wrong with society. It is with this eye to stringent political correctness that we pick Ann Coulter as our fourth person of distinction.
Our mention of Michael Moore isn't abstract. Coulter has often been described as the antithesis to the liberal, hat-wearing Oscar-winner; while he goes and makes documentaries that attempt to explain why America is how it is, she goes and writes books and columns that attempt to explain why people like him are not just wrong, not just misguided, but actually the embodiment of pure stink, liable to throw up on old ladies and eat their own excrement with shovels. In her latest effort, the balanced and bipartisan Treason: Liberal Treachery from the Cold War to the War on Terrorism, she conjures up the following humdinger of a quote:
[Sheryl] Crow explained that the 'best way to solve problems is to not have enemies.' War solves that problem too: We won't have any enemies because we're going to kill them. Crow warned of 'huge karmic retributions that will follow.' She seemed not to understand that America going to war is huge karmic retribution. They killed three thousand Americans and now they're going to die.
This is the way commentary should be written! Forget your balanced facts and nuanced discussion of international law and cultures. Ditch diplomacy and all those "love thy neighbour" lessons they taught you at Bible school. What you need is a great big metaphorical sledgehammer; that'll show them! People like Noam Chomsky and that Tony Benn could sure learn a thing or two.
This year we particularly love her for suggesting that we deport all the Muslims, that cruise missiles are infinitely more important than education programmes to help disadvantaged children, that people don't understand the advantages of local fascism and virtually everything else she said when she opened her mouth. We can't get enough of her. If Ayn Rand were still alive they could have got together and formed some kind of incredible crimefighting team.
We also particularly love the way she brings the American public along with her, despite patently being batshit crazy. Her books are bestsellers, and she's often invited to speak on news programmes and in Rupert Murdoch's quiet little dreams. This kind of artful barminess takes skill and showmanship - something she has in abundance, along with knives, guns, deep-seated conservative attitudes and the most diseased brain since Krang.
Most importantly and triumphantly of all, though, she's shown that ignorance and prejudice aren't just for old, white men any more. Go Ann! You deserve our love and support.
Tomorrow: meat substitute substitutes. Are they just meat again?
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