News Roundup: November 2003

GEORGE W. BUSH'S VISIT to the United Kingdom passed off without a hitch, as he had his own transport. He visited places and saw people, and things, that they also have in the American States of United America, there. He marvelled at what they have in that place that they do not have in the American States of United America. He ate something. Then he didn't eat something. He had a lovely time. Reuters reported that the only cloud on the horizon was the thousands of protestors, waving banners saying "CELA N'EST PAS LA ROYAUME-UNI" and "ICI C'EST CANADA, COMME T'ES IMBECILE". * * * THE UNITED KINGDOM'S visit to George Bush en masse came as something more of a surprise. * * * EVOLUTION WENT WRONG in a small area somewhere near Salinas at approximately 6:30am local time yesterday. Investigators arrived on the scene to find scenes of gratuitous mutation and unfettered lack of natural selection. "It was horrible," said Sergeant Francis Porkfathers, speaking to journalists in a special tent. "Lungfish, everywhere. And fish lungs. Lungfish and fish lungs. Trying to mate." His aide, Pte. Unpac Shakur, took over the story when Sgt. Porkfathers was overcome with Darwinian urges. "We catalogued a number of hitherto unknown species before we couldn't be arsed doing any more. Some were really sad cases. Legless cats. Infinite-toed sloths. Woe slugs." The area has been removed for careful examination. Creationists have pounced on the story as the evidence for which they have been waiting. The Creationists have been removed for careless examination. * * * THE WORLD OF MATHEMATICS was thrown into consternation when supercomputer Opteron, pointlessly left on overnight computing pi, unexpectedly confirmed reports from the Women's Institute that the 8,001,930th digit was F. Hurried statements from Princeton, Warwick and Warszawa Universities expressed "bafflement", "consternation" and something in Polish, which is not a real language, at the news. Checks on the world's most powerful computer, the Earth Simulator in Japan, provided further evidence to no real purpose. "F, yes" read the printout, in Japanese. Most US States have withdrawn all circles for safety reasons for the time being. These developments follow a long tradition of controversy over the deeper reaches of pi. In 1994, a workman at Yale was fired for leaving the remains of his lunch between two digits around the eight-thousand mark, and three years later the number itself was sued by a coalition of Danish school boards for negligence after the discovery of a string of zeroes several hundred long between the 3,400,000th and 3,405,000th decimal places. Meanwhile, the original discoverers at the Women's Institute have denied claims that the issue was brought to light as a cynical plug for their new film. After pointing out that this should be a separate news item, * * * THE SPOKESWOMEN RUBBISHED the allegations. "This is entirely unrelated. We are large, we contain multitudes. Some of our larger members are multitudes in and of themselves." The film is a sequel to the surprise hit Calendar Girls. Described by Empire as "racier" than the original, it stars Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson and is provisionally entitled Calendar Sluts. * * * THE GOVERNMENT OF the People's Republic of China today broke off diplomatic relations with Laos. The relations in question were later said to be "quite upset". Questions are now being raised over whether they will remain diplomatic for the foreseeable future or, alternatively, will begin the Hurtening. * * * TY'S POPULAR RANGE of Beanie Babies, some considered extremely valuable by collectors and commanding high prices in online marketplaces such as EBay and others, hate you. * * * OUR SPECIAL REPORT this month comes from Pamela Thirsty in the impoverished nation of Nauru, in truth notable only for its economy. This is largely due to its condition of the last three decades, bucking all world trends, of currency deflation. While inflation involves money losing value, deflation is the opposite: money is worth more as time goes on. The net effect of this in Nauru is that the currency has deflated to a single five-cent coin, which is worth everything. Our correspondent's report unfortunately remains incomplete, as she was accidentally bought by a local man and used as a little drain. Negotiations continue.

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