Childrens' Letters to Dog

Every now and again, when I'm stuck at work in front of the computer and life is getting me down, I like to trawl through the emails I get from you, the Rum & Monkey readers, giving me your opinions and thoughts about the pieces that these lovely gentlemen see fit to publish. Some of these letters are great. Some of them aren't. And some are just seriously fucking strange. But that's ok - each to their own, I say, and who am I to stop you from expressing yourselves? (although it would be utterly regretful if this is the only way some of you are able to do that...) I try to answer the letters. Really, I do - but time is a cruel and heartless motherfucker who never lets up. So occasionally I'll answer the letters here, in the public domain. It's a great way to let people know that we love to get mail, and that we love to hear from you. Plus, it neatly fills the gaps created by sudden and inexplicable periods of artistic death, where every idea sucks and nothing works well enough to put to print. So, without further ado, I bring you ... Children's Letters to Dog. A Message to Gregor Stronach vegans...the new veal. i almost crapped in my pants with that one. and, whoever doesn't enjoy "the unique taste of charred flesh and petroleum products" does not know the joys of life. ha. thanks, bridget Dear Bridget, You nearly crapped your pants? I doubt you crapped half as hard as some of the vegans who wrote in to complain about how I'm victimising them. But that's ok - I would worry about being attacked by vegans if I didn't know that their bones are brittle like chalk, and they lack the energy to throw a decent punch. Yours, Gregor. A Message to Gregor Stronach It's Maikaseregwen again. I realised I did not include an email address in my previous message. Dear Maikaseregwen, That's right, you didn't. but that's ok, because your original message made absolutely no fucking sense. But hey! Thanks for writing... Yours, Gregor. A Message to Gregor Stronach insiteful. From KingPinMartin Dear KingPin, Succinct, but incorrect. Thanks for writing. Yours, Gregor. A Message to Gregor Stronach Who the hell do you think you are dissing vegetarians and vegans as you did in your article? If you had done any real research, you would have realized that not only are vegans and vegetarians more healthy than their omnivore counterparts, but they are also more moral and peaceful than you will ever be. I could go on and on about why veganism is the optimum way of life- the environment, the animals, inner peace, personal health....the list is endless- but I don't think you desrve that honor. And that bullshit about vegan pasta- hate to burst your bubble but most pastas are not made with egg. You know that stuff that comes in a box in the supermarket- its VEGAN!! So next time you write a similar insensitive bias article, you could at least get your facts straight. Thank You Your vegan friend Dear Vegan Friend. To be honest with you, you've missed the point. I write satire. SATIRE. Try www.dictionary.com if you're unsure what that is, but if you're to weak through lack of protein to wiggle your mouse or type, I'll explain it a little. It's a joke. Like knock-knock jokes, or 'why did the chicken cross the road?' (or, in your case, why did the chickpea cross the road, which won't make sense with any of the conventional chicken-based punchlines, which probably explains your lack of a sense of humour). Anyway - if you feel the need to be pasty, wan and outraged, you can always write to me and tell me how you feel. I run an ex-vegan support / deprogramming group. We can help. Yours, Gregor A Message to Gregor Stronach not that you wont be receiving a plethora of hate mail for your article "its probably dietary"...but thats low. ive been vegan for a year and vegetarian for five. i am intensely busy with marching band (colour guard) and with theatre-couldnt be healthier. where did you get your information on the stool samples...or is that fiction? way to bust on my ethics, well put though. would be bery pleased if youd respond. Another Vegan. Dear other Vegan, I did respond, to the email address you supplied, but I never heard back from you. I was sad. I think you might be dead through lack of nutrition. If that's the case, I'm having a séance next Thursday - should I try to contact you then? Yours, Gregor. A Message to Gregor Stronach I just had a small comment to your "wherever I hang my hat" peice: I wish you would help the woman being beaten by her Tongan husband. Maybe call the police when you hear disturbances. Offer her some support, maybe. As you live in Australia, I have no immediate resources for Domestic Violence, but I am sure they are out there. Thank you. Anon. Dear Anon, I tried to help her, but she beat me up. C'est la vie. Yours, Gregor. A Message to Gregor Stronach You may just be God. Have you looked into that? Because I think you'd have enough devout followers to support you if you claimed heavenly powers. Anon. Dear Anon, I did look into it. I tried claiming to be God, but it was thrown of court. It was during an unsuccessful lawsuit against the Catholic Church, where I was suing them for back-pay for the past 2000 years. I didn't get a penny, but I did get a letter from the Pope. Unfortunately, I couldn't read it, because he mumbles. Yours, Gregor. Well ... that's about it this time. I hope you've all had as much fun writing in as I have lampooning you to the general public. But please - if I've given you a hard time here, it's really because I love you. It's nice to get letters, even if they are spiteful, ill-informed and - in the grand scheme of things - utterly inconsequential. I'll leave you with one last letter. This one touched my heart, and really made me think about who I am, and what I'm doing with my life. Good night, and God bless all of you - the Rum and Monkey letter-writing public. A Message to Gregor Stronach Hi loser. Anon. Dear Loser, 'nuff said. Yours, Gregor.

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