Fun Ways to Quit Your Job at the Coffee Stand

Contrary to prior practice, arrive at work naked.
Arrive at work naked.
Wait for reasonable request. Declare this to be the last straw. Leave in high dudgeon.
Refuse to serve every fifth customer.
Refuse to stop serving every fifth customer.
Steal people's hats.
Make "special" coffee for OAPs.
Treat every request with incredulous and offended tones.
Serve iced tomato soup in place of absolutely everything. Fail to notice this.
Heat all coffee to eight thousand degrees.
Leaving large queues fuming at the stand unattended, wander the streets nearby accosting people with the words "eyyyy, you come-a drink-a coffee at-a my stall, si?". Do this until actually arrested. Then offer discounted rates for law enforcement agencies.
Acquire large sheet of paper festooned with dozens of stick figures. Every time someone orders, say, a latté, smile knowingly and cross off one of the figures. Deny all knowledge of this.
Refuse to serve anyone coffee until you have guessed their name. Don't let them tell you.
As above, but don't believe them when they do eventually tell you their name.
As above, but offer them a "far superior" name from your home country.
Receive payment with utter disgust at the barefaced greed of today's consumerist society.
Receive payment. Then drink their coffee. Then demand more payment. Then drink more coffee.
Then run.
Announce, upon serving each cup of mass-produced and soulless corporate-product coffee, that there is a strange and beguiling tale attached to this particular cup. Depart on a conversational tangent halfway through and end up wandering aimlessly into the middle distance.
Upon the end of your final shift, freeze in place, staring slightly up and to the left of your final customer's ear with an expression of utter dread. Upon the onset of cramp, sue.
Seduce every fifth customer, badly.
Offer to home deliver each cup of coffee.
Refuse to do anything but home deliver each cup of coffee.
Physically help each customer drink their coffee. Smile indulgently until punched.
Serve one-millilitre cups of coffee. If questioned, offer three hundred one-millilitre cups of coffee.
Serve 10 gallon cups of coffee. If questioned, stab someone.
Stab someone.
Stab someone twice.
Post cups of coffee to every customer.
Post cups of coffee to every customer without using any packaging, stamps or cups.
Accuse customers of archaic crimes, such as barretry.
Convert customers to Mormonism. Then refuse to serve Mormons.
Forcibly arrange customers in interesting patterns around the stall.
Keep trying to sell your co-workers coffee.
Keep trying to sell your co-workers.
Do not use the letter "e" in any way during your last shift.
In full view of everyone, pour obscene quantities of methanol into each cup and then present them to customers with a broad and obvious grin.
Pointedly hint that you're prepared to throw in "extras".
Pointedly hint that you're prepared to throw up.
Talk at great length and with unparalleled enthusiasm about spit.
Carefully place each female customer's coffee securely in her cleavage.
Pretend customers over the age of sixty do not exist.
Punch walls every time someone asks for a cappucino.
Do not let customers order less than four hundred pounds' worth of merchandise. Do this by screaming "AND?" after every item.
Do not let customers order anything. Second-guess their intentions. Serve everyone cups of mayonnaise and glasses of chocolate sprinkles.
Give everything away for free.
Give everything away for free, including your name, address, blood group, bank details and PIN number.
Stir coffee with penis. Substitute vagina if you have no penis. If the latter, insist after every failed and sordid attempt "no, trust me, I can do this, right - " before squatting ever lower before their horrified stares.
Sniff customers.
Stand waiting for customers with hands down pants.
Shout "Can you smell shit?" every 15 minutes very loudly.
Recite company history to everyone, including complete sales history and summary of the DNA structure of the coffee plant.
Write "I quit" on a turnip. Grind turnip into boss' face.
Drink coffee from Starbucks branded cup whiie on duty. If you work at Starbucks, substitute a cup from Costa, or a pint of foaming ale.
Finish off every order with "and we try not to masturbate."
Kiss cups of coffee goodbye.
Explain the facts of life to young children in the queue. Get them wrong. Tell them their parents lie to them.
Give away espresso with three sugars to every child while their parents aren't looking.
Package each cup of coffee in brown paper and string.
Ask for vast amounts of personal information about each customer. File carefully.
Ask for vast amounts of personal information about each customer. When finished, screw information into a little ball and throw it away. Add garlic to coffee.
Hand over each cup with the words "it's not all picked by darkies now, you know."
Insist on carbonating every beverage.
Insist on serving every beverage in frozen form.
Insist on sharing every drink you serve with the customer.
Take photographs of customers. Hold them to your face and inhale deeply. Then throw them away.
Respond to every request with "aye, ye'd like that, widn't ye?"
Insist on repeating the coffee-making process over forty times for each customer, twitching and muttering that if you get it wrong one more time...
Give every beverage away free, with the words "well, as it's for you..."
Follow each customer for three hours after they leave before springing up unexpectedly and asking politely for the coffee back now, please.
Sing everything.
Sign every cup of coffee.
Ask suspiciously who each cup is for and why. Demand to see proof.
Look desperately around you and beg customers to help you with every step of making coffee.
Insert three-course roast dinners into espresso cups. Charge extra for this.
When asked for coffee, smile nervously and back away. Call the police. Tell them to come quickly, for the love of Christ. Hang up. Charge extra for this.
Insist that everything must be paid for by monthly direct debit.
Explain in detail every possible combination of coins in which you can give change. Then short-change everyone.
Only accept forged notes.
Ostentatiously pocket every banknote instead of running it through the till.
Serve coffee on plates.
Invent new special offers. Insist that all lattés come with a free house. Give away goats with bars of chocolate.
Explain that you don't work here. Then serve the next customer.
Explain patiently that you do work here. Then serve the next customer.
Explain patiently the causes of the Crimean War. Offer documentary proof. Quote sources. Pour cold coffee down the customer's shirtfront all the time you're speaking.
Mime everything. On no account give away a real object.
Make a normal coffee. Throw it against the wall. Make an identical coffee. Serve as usual. Offer no explanation.
High-five everyone.
Buy everyone as many coffees as they want. Turn up at their houses after six months and demand repayment with interest.
Choose life. Don't choose life. Choose skinny double-grande latté with chocolate sprinkles to go. Stab someone.

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