Gary and Samantha are happily married, and have been for fifty years. They live in a small suburb of Boston, in a wooden two-storey New England house under the shade of a large sycamore tree - just one of many such trees on their street. Their children, Dan and Ashley, both graduated from college and have great jobs in creative fields, doing amazing things and earning lots of money. They are both married, and Dan brought Gary and Samantha their first grandchild this past spring. Everyone is healthy, blissfully happy and secure.

Gary and Samantha are happily married, and have been for fifty years. They live in a mobile home in Arkansas, in the middle of tornado alley. In the spring of 1998, the large tree and their neighbours' trailer were taken by a large twister - neither have been seen since. Their children, Dan and Ashley are both autistic and enjoy drawing crude pictures of genitalia on the walls of the amenities block, much to the dismay of the groundskeeper. They are 34 years old.

Gary and Samantha are married, and have both been seeing other people for close to 30 years following a fateful night of drinking low-strength beer at a local 'swingers' night. Gary's famously low tolerance to alcohol has left him sporadically impotent, while Samantha regularly poses nude for various 'artists' to help pay the rent. Their children, Dan and Ashley, are both in the United States Marines Corps. They enjoy killing civilians and long walks on the beach at sunset.

Gary and Samantha are unhappily married, staying together for fifty years for the sake of their nineteen children. Gary works as a construction foreman, while Samantha is a full-time Right To Life activist, which keeps her away from home for months at a time. Their children, Dan, Ashley, Robert, Michael, Robin, Sarah, Luke, Matthew, Anna, Nicholas, David, Benjamin, Peter, Claire, Adriana, Greg, George, Rebecca and the final one they never got around to naming are all professional pickpockets, operating as a gang in the streets of New York. They commute to work, often car-pooling for the sake of convenience, and the environment.

Gary and Samantha were never properly introduced. Gary still fantasises about Samantha, not realising that Samantha is responsible for all of the dead animals that Gary has been mailed over the past forty years. Had they had children, they would probably have been quite ill, as Gary and Samantha are quite closely related (on their mother's side).

Gary lives in a home for the mentally distressed. Samantha sold him his first tab of acid in the sixties, and bailed on him when he freaked out in the share house where he was living in San Francisco. Samantha was eventually arrested by the police in Barstow, Nevada trying to cash a dud cheque she had been given in a third-rate casino in Vegas in 1978. She's currently serving a twelve-year stretch for the attempted murder of a social worker assigned to check on her mother twice a week.

Gary and Samantha did something, somewhere on the 18th of June, 1962. No one is quite sure what it was, because no one else was there to witness the event. Gary and Samantha realise now that they should probably have taken a photo, or at least written something down. Because of their ineptitude, all traces of the momentous occasion has disappeared into the ether, although Samantha believes that it might have been the day she tripped on a crack in the pavement and chipped her front teeth. Gary and Samantha's children Dan and Ashley are no help - they claim (falsely) not to have been born. They are 45 years old.

Gary and Samantha (Xylon and Xerox) are aliens, sent to earth to spy on the humans and mutilate their farm animals. They are responsible for nineteen murders, various crop circles and at least 15 sightings of the Loch Ness Monster. Their children, Xalda I and Xalda IV, live back on Arcturus, in the care of the paternal grandmother, Xyles. They have always aspired to living in Boston, but cannot scrape together enough of our 'puny Earth dollars' to afford the house they want.

Gary and Samantha don't really exist. Benjamin made them up following an evening drinking beer in the pub with a couple of mates. They are a construct designed to evoke specific emotional reactions - you are supposed to laugh with them, cry with them, pity them and eventually want to be them. However, Ben probably won't be surprised if you express a desire to kill them at some stage.

Gary and Samantha were supposed to have come up with the rest of this parody - in particular, the parts about there being no earth, no reality, a limited understanding of the human condition and some slightly erroneous facts about space, time and rudimentary high school science. However, as the previous paragraph so rightly pointed out, Gary and Samantha don't exist, and Gregor Stronach will most likely grow old and die waiting for them to turn in their text and finish this piece.

What do you think, did we get it right? Comment here...