News Roundup: Business Special

THE RELENTLESS RISE of the euro reached what many hope to be a peak earlier today, achieving an all-time high against both the pound and the dollar around 9am. The euro is now so strong that the European Central Bank, located in a mountain fastness guarded by lions, is thought to have bought the dollar in its entirety. "Americans will now be forced to fall back on barter and anarchy," commented a concerned Alan Greenspan from his infinitely tall tower of money. Paul Wolfowitz is said to be "interested" at the news. * * * TROUBLED AMERICAN STEEL exports were given a significant boost this week, with the introduction of stiff tariffs on all foreign steel cargoes entering the country. European and South American steel magnates have decried the move as "draconian" and "shite". The tariffs now stand at three major organs of any kind from each exporter and a year's service in the harem of Paul Wolfowitz, who is said to be "interested" at the news. * * * TROUBLED AMERICAN COTTON exports were not given a significant boost this week. "Fuck 'em," explained Mr. Wolfowitz, adding that he was "interested" at the news. * * * SPECULATION ON THE speculation market has become a boom industry, according to a squadron of Stock Market types. "At least, we think it is," spake their leader, Anthony Foon. "We might be wrong. Fuck, I've gone bankrupt. No, wait, I'm fine now. In fact, I think I'll buy your tie." * * * PAUL WOLFOWITZ ANNOUNCED earlier that his campaign of "interest" in the news was at an end. "Optimum information levels have been achieved," he explained. "Now I am Informatron." Shedding his suit and underclothes, an animated Mr.Wolfowitz then proceeded to pronounce "doom" on "all mortals", before bursting into tears upon being told by a sympathetic Optimus Prime that he could not, in fact, transform into a fighter jet, being only a mere meat-thing fit only to serve as axle-grease. Donald Rumsfeld looked on, smiling slightly to himself; but he said nothing. For now. * * * ECONOMISTS OF THE Chicago School, famous for a wide array of Nobel Prizes won in the olden days, reportedly stumbled upon the fabled Holy Graph. "Bugger me sideways," exclaimed an excited Milton Friedman, "it explains everything." All other graphs have now been declared obsolete, apart from the little one that looks a bit like a rabbit. * * * DESPITE STRENUOUS OPPOSITION by entrenched Russian Army units, market forces have finally conquered Moscow. "We have conquered an objective settlement by means of the combined efforts of 14 Barrow Squadron and air support from the Dubiously Acquired Rolex Battalion," declared Colonel Big 'Arry Parker. "Resistance was notable but soon overcome. We can confirm that certain enemy commanders, including President Putin, are now in custody. And seeing as it's you, I'll let you have them two for a pound. Can't say fairer than that." * * * THE GERMAN ECONOMY took another ill-timed battering on Wednesday, with the news that many of its economic "goods" were, in fact, bads. "They're just crap," shouted an angry Spanish investor at a cowering Gerhard Schroeder. Many sectors will be affected, including the Textile and Electronics industries, but analysts believe that the Meat sector will come off the wurst. * * * FOLLOWING THE ANNOUNCEMENT of the preceding news item, the Puns and Associated Japes Index (PAJI) rose by 15 points. Preliminary information from major stock exchanges indicates that many brokers have been broken. * * * FINALLY, A ROUNDUP of the day's trading. Buttons are up 12%, the Umbrage and Indignation sector has risen by 8.5, and percentages are down 4 points across the board. The Dow Jones and Nikkei exchanges were temporarily suspended for playing FTSE under the table, but trading resumed later, becoming unexpectedly viscous. Thirty-two. Meanwhile, optimism in the Racist Slurs market has lead to a 30-year high in wog and spic prices, although the dago quotient remained constant as conservative investors remained skeptical. Oil Indices fell by 0.8 of a kilobush. Twelve. Bauxite and Chemicals are up 19 points, United Airlines down 4.3, Trousers are down, Skirts up and the Finance sector was marked by a strong thrust. Sixteen. Interest rates began the day strongly before becoming boring. Next week, trading is expected to be sumptuous, phosphate holdings are expected to rise, twelve will become four, six will be interchangeable with eight and decimal points will be removed until 3pm. The bonus ball was 43.

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