Your favourite satirical website has massively grown in popularity over the past year, and has garnered significant praise from critics and the public alike. As always with a respected publication, we've noted an increase in the amount of correspondence we've received; although occasionally we take the trouble to reply to you individually, we feel that some of your questions should probably be answered in a public forum. This way maybe you will stop asking them over and over a-fucking-gain.

Again, due to our popularity, we have had to form a business partnership around the site. Like any organisation existing in the business world, we have had to establish a public relations arm - and it is our newly-hired employees in this department who will be answering the questions. Without further ado: Ari Fleischer and Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf.


Dear Rum and Monkey,

I believe Jesus came to America and venerate pimping; therefore the Mormon and Rock Hard Ghetto Shiznit Name Generators are extremely offensive to me. What possible satirical value can they have?

Richard Killjoy, West Virginia

Fleischer: No, the Rum and Monkey team have never said they keep strictly to a satirical agenda; the primary objective is to entertain. They will keep to that objective, and if some people go away offended, so be it.
al-Sahaf: The Book of Mormon is full of lies and evil. This "ghetto culture" is a creation of the cultural terrorist mainstream media, and we will forcefeed maggot shit to their newborn children. Does this answer your question?



Hey you,

Learn to spell, morons. This site is dumb.

t33n3ge_pr3gnancy_waiting2happen, AOL

Fleischer: Well, I have to say that we have always been able to spell. Reports that we cannot spell are incorrect, and we should examine the motivations of the people who propagate them.
al-Sahaf: Rum and Monkey are from Britain, and spell the British way. We shun your American vomit spelling, as it is the devil's most prized work. Also, go die in a pit.



Dear Rum and Monkey,

It has come to our attention that your name is similar to that of a Glasgow pub, the Drum and Monkey. Is this intentional?

Gareth Stinehead, Glasgow

Fleischer: Well, we have received intelligence regarding the existence of this pub, and the Founding Partners have always acknowledged its existence. What we have to do now is determine a strategy to deal with it. You should be assured that it will not affect our freedom to create.
al-Sahaf: No such pub exists. We will destroy it within the hour.



Dear Benjamin,

Although it isn't funny and has no redeeming artistic value, we enjoy the Peeg cartoon. Although it purports to be daily, we have noticed that often it will not be updated for several days at a time; can this be fixed please? Our lives revolve around your impish little faces.

Kappa Kappa Kappa Sorority, Newcastle

Fleischer: No, on the contrary, Senor Peeg has been daily for over a year now, with no interruptions at all.
al-Sahaf: I prefer Family Circus. And will soon feast on the brains of your ancestors and anyone else who questions the god-like regularity of the Peeg.



Dear R&M,

Goddamn European liberal pinko pansies. What the fuck is wrong with you? You're always ratting on the Americans, but WE ARE THE BEST COUNTRY ON EARTH. How dare you question us?

P.S. I love Jesus Christ, my savior and protector. Also Eminem and hamburgers.

Richard Schlosser, Ohio

Fleischer: Well, we certainly have never questioned that America is a fine country. Determining whether it is the best country on Earth would require establishing a set of deterministic measures and taking considerable time to think about the matter. Frankly, we don't want to.
al-Sahaf: Jesus is boobytrapped. Avoid Him.



Dear Rum and Monkey,

What the hell is this? I have no idea what this dumb site is, please explain before I burst, and forever think of you as a moron,

Dan, Cincinnati

al-Sahaf: You are the one who is dumb.



Dear Rum and Monkey,

I have enjoyed your fabulously incisive output for over a year now. You have informed me far more than traditional news media could hope to accomplish; I was amazed to learn of the founding fathers' baby eating practices, and Tony Blair's adherence to the moral code of the Lord God Himself.

I've written a handful of dark, introspective poems, and I was wondering if you would publish them on a weekly basis. Do you pay?

Harris McKimmon, Boston

Fleischer: Yes, um, we thank you for your kind comments. We must now ask ourselves some important questions relating to our freedom, our creativity, and most importantly in this case, the quality of our intelligence. Your letter suggests that the quality of your intelligence is poor.
al-Sahaf: Again, you are the one who is dumb. What is with all these dumb people? Satan Himself appears to have cursed America with the benevolent stupidity of hungry dogs. My initial assessment is: you will all die. Mostly because I do not understand how you stay upright for more than two minutes at a time.