News roundup: February 2003

THE WAR AGAINST TERROR was won at approximately 9:40am today. "I feel strangely calm," commented Lanton Damprey, a noted paranoid schizophrenic. After hurried tests, scientists agreed that terror levels had bottomed out, now measuring only 0.19 of an international fear unit. * * * THE WAR AGAINST DRUGS, lost by the United States some months ago in a surprise coup for a cartel of Colombian businessmen, is to be contested again at the New York Yankees' stadium on March 24th. Tickets are on sale priced $10.50 upwards, and refreshments will make the pitch go all wobbly. * * * THE WAR AGAINST WAR was initiated by the Royal Society for Irony last week, amidst a blaze of publicity for an entirely unrelated event occupying the exact same co-ordinates in space-time. Society president Dr. Reigate Escapade fielded widespread public disinterest with arch aplomb and ironic post-modern commentary. Society-funded mercenaries are reported to have reacted with some consternation to requests that they fight their own limbs to the death. * * * ANTI-WAR MARCHERS arrived breathless but undaunted in Athens this afternoon. The 200 protestors displayed considerable surprise when informed that the war on Iraq was likely to go ahead regardless, although it soon transpired that they had been marching for over three thousand years to oppose the Greek siege of Troy in 1200 BC. On having the current political situation, and indeed all previous political situations of the last three millennia explained, they were treated for mild shock, although one later died in hospital from an acute case of history. Subsequently, Donald Rumsfeld placed severe economic sanctions on "the brutal and despotic Mycenaean regime". On being told that Mycenae collapsed at the dawn of the Greek Dark Age thirty centuries ago, he was reported to be "pleased" that the sanctions had had such profound impact on the "god-damn pinko Achaean threat". * * * NEW RESEARCH SUGGESTS Greenland isn't. "Ice," explained a chap yesterday. * * * NEWER RESEACH SUGGESTS that Iceland is. "Ice," agreed a brace of stout fellows earlier today. * * * RESEARCH SO NEW it is believed to have been conducted next month suggests that Poland does not, in fact, house either the North nor the South pole. "No ice," concluded a lengthy report written by a bloke in, for no discernable reason, Ancient Hittite cuneiform. * * * MONKEYS AREN'T FUNNY, according to a UK government think-tank assigned since 1984 to investigate exhaustively the comedy potential of small, tailed primates in a variety of situations. "Shit," commented the staff of one Edinburgh-based satire and discussion website. * * * EDINBURGH-BASED SATIRE AND discussion websites aren't funny either, according to another UK government think-tank assigned since Wednesday to study things like that. "Shit," commented the staff of a website until recently based in central Scotland conceivably featuring humour that might have verged on the political and the vague possibility of text-based communication in some form. * * * MONKEYS ARE FUNNY, but only if present in Hawai'i, according to a US government think-tank assigned since 1985 to disagree with foreign think-tanks. "Aloha," commented the staff of a recently founded Central Pacific-based satire and discussion website. * * * "SUPPLIES OF WORDS are running dangerously low," is the warning given by a collabarative British-Australian report published today. "Soon, emergency measures will have to be taken," explained the chairman of the World Etymological Fund, Professor Holly Gofrequently. "Writers will have to resort to their stores of under-used words if they are to continue writing more than a few hours into the future." Other scientists have rubbished the claim, explaining that Sasquatch Sasquatch balloon undergusset zippingly entourage Petropavlovsk hound.

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